The Joy of Marriage

God has laid it on my heart to write this for quite some time now and I've been disobedient.  I'm not exactly sure why as I have what I consider the best marriage a girl could want or ask for.  I think it's because I don't want anyone to feel I'm judging their marriage or that I see myself as an expert on the topic because that is so not the truth.  I'm still learning more every day.

I will say this.  I see so many marriages falling apart around me and so many of my friends struggling to keep their marriages together and it saddens me.  I've always said I want to be that old couple you see walking through park holding hands that stops in front of the fountain to take in it's beauty and at that moment, feels their love grow even more and embrace each other for a kiss.  After having 3 kids, buying or building a home, declaring bankruptcy, a child that goes through a teen age pregnancy, maybe even a run away and who knows what other tragic events that have come into their lives and after 65 years, love each other more with every passing day.  I'm not saying they didn't go through struggles but they had and nurtured their coping skills to get them through those rough patches.

It's couples like that that we all need to take a moment and sit down with them and ask them, "how did you do it?  What was the secret to staying so in love and staying together?"  I have heard answers from couples who have been asked this question and by far the top 3 responses are, " Always keep God the center of your marriage,"  "never go to bed angry", and "never forget why you fell in love with each other to begin with."  WOW!  How could anyone forget that?  Unfortunately, it's forgotten more often than you think and here's why.  This was the top answer I've heard when couples have been asked, "What happened?  Why did your marriage fall apart?"  Not always, but a lot of times they say, well, the kids came along and I got so focused on taking care of the kids and he got so focused on providing for the family that we never had time alone together.  Life just got in the way and we lost track of who we were, who each other was, an why we married to begin with.  I find this heart wrenching and sad.

I guess you can say that I'm one that tries to learn from others mistakes and successes.  I'm a people watcher.  I look for those attributes that make someone great and stand out in the crowd and I see those flaws that often times, are the down fall in a relationship.  I watched my grandparents struggle to feed 8 kids, keep up a farm, and love each other.  I didn't always see smiles and roses from them.  But if I could pick any one of their characteristics that I picked up from them, it was determination and a big heart.

I watched my parents who had both been married, had kids, and divorced before they met each other.  They came together as a blended family and added me as the caboose.  I saw them struggle financially.  I even saw some emotional struggles but the 2 things I picked up from them was a grounded faith in Christ and unconditional love.

I was engaged twice, been through some troubled relationships, went through a rebellious phase because of those troubled relationships but when it came down to what I wanted in a spouse, God always reminded me that I was about to settle for less than his best.  That I was about to get myself into the complete opposite of what I'd learned from others who have had successful marriages.  God brought Jeremy into my life at a time where I could have gone one direction with someone else that was "comfortable" but not what God wanted, or I could step out in faith, believe what my heart was telling me and go in the direction I thought God was calling me.

I chose the one that was out of my comfort zone.  And I don't mean that in a bad way.  I mean that sometimes, when you get in a routine and something that's comfortable but maybe not "great", it's easy to go that route than to take something completely new to you.

"Most" of my relationships before had been built around physical attraction or someone that tried to "rescue" me during a difficult time in my life.  Far too many knights in shining armor are really common folk and thieves.  They see what you can do for them knowing full well they expect to get but not give in return.  I'm not speaking in a physical manner, I'm speaking about all aspects of life.  So when we settle, we end up in a routine that usually has a dead end and lacks growth.

HOWEVER, when you DON'T settle, when you don't lower your standards, when you build your relationship around Christ (and for those on my friends list who aren't Christians, well....I'll keep praying for you!  :)  tee hee...no, I would say to you to build your relationship around common beliefs and values) and Keep Christ 1'st and your spouse 2nd,...when you learn each others love language and start speaking it, marriage can be the most beautifully amazing thing you can experience on earth.  So many times when kids come along, the moms #1 focus is the kids and the dads #1 focus is bringing home the bacon.  Though those are VERY important things, your spouse should always have place above your children.  I know that's a difficult concept to grasp.  Especially for us moms.  Believe me, I've struggled with this myself but when you take a spouse, he becomes an extension of you and you of him.  Neither one of you function properly and smoothly when a piece of you is missing.  Ask any grieving widow or widower.  It's like you've been amputated.  What happens when you stop focusing on your spouse an start focusing on your kids only, that part of you that he/she has become becomes a stub where that limb has been amputated.  You start learning to function without it.  Naturally when this happens, you become 2 individual units again instead of 1 fully functioning unit.  This (placing spouse before your children) is very much a biblical concept.  One thing my husband and I vowed to do when we got married was, when children came along, we would continue to have a date night.  That is, time alone together without the children.  Time to reconnect and be sure we were still moving in the same direction or get going back to moving in the same direction.  That in no way means that when your husband is at work you sit and day dream about him all day and neglect the children.  The children are an extension of your unit as a whole.  They need to be nurtured and loved and cuddled as well.  What it DOES mean is that you don't let having children cause you to push your spouse to the side.  One of the MOST important things you can teach your children besides to have a strong Christian walk is how to have a successful marriage.  Children who see their parents hold hands, hug, kiss, go out on dates usually have stronger healthier relationships than those that don't.

What happens when you don't put your spouse before your children?  The kids see that.  They see that you don't respect the other enough to talk about important matters together.  Or they see that when you do discuss important issues together, you are quick to shut down the others spouses feelings and have an "it's my way or the highway" attitude.  Which of course "generally" leads them to follow in your footsteps and repeat the cycle.

If you didn't marry for the right reasons to begin with or have let the kids become the center of your life and have "fallen out of love," it's never too late to rebuild and restore.  I'm not saying that divorce is never necessary.  I'm saying, before throwing in the towel because, "he's changed" or "she's changed" or your "bored", pray about.  Start making efforts again to show your spouse you want to try and work on things. Start speaking his/her love language and you will be astounded what God can do!!  Naturally, even I have my limits.  Jeremy will tell you that one of the things I told him before we got married was, "If you ever hit me, or cheat on me, I'm gone!"  I'm not saying that is the right answer either but the Bible does allow divorce in cases of adultery.  There are some super forgiving people that can forgive that and try and work things out but for me, the betrayal would be so hard and so deep, I can't honestly say I could move past it.  I've not been there in a marriage but I have been there in a serious relationship, forgiven, and was burned again and I realize now, I can't keep moving past something that is typically a cycle.  I may be strong in a lot of area's in life but that is not one of the.

If I could encourage couples do and Bible studies together that I think you would greatly benefit from, I have 3.  I know there are more but these 3 have had the most impact in my life and marriage.  "The 5 love languages", "the love dare", and "I marriage."  Wonderful wonderful books!!!  You can find clips from "I marriage" on youtube.  The Author of that one is Andy Stanley.

And Christian couples, pray together!!  Both as a couple and as a family.  You'll never regret giving your marriage and your children that firm foundation to begin life on.

And Jeremy, I'm happy to say that I see us one day being that 65 year old couple kissing in front of the fountain at the park.  I love you more with each passing day and though we have our moments, I feel blessed to say that we've never had and "big" arguments or felt like quitting and giving up on what we have.  I thank God from bringing you into my life when he did and though we have a lot more room to grow, I feel blessed beyond measure to have the beautiful marriage we have!  Thank you for being not only my life partner, my soul mate, my spouse, but being my best friend and a shoulder to lean on.  With all my love!  ~Mary

Forgiveness...must we REALLY???

     Please bare with me on this post.  It will open up some wounds for me that I've struggled with for many many years.

For many years now, I've struggled with forgiveness.  Little things, not so much but the "BIG" things, I've had some issue with forgiving.  Not just others, myself as well.  But lately, God has been doing a work on me.  I've been put through the refiners fire.  I know this because the impurities have fallen off and it's been painful.  Friendships have been severed....maybe not "best" friends but none the less, it can still be painful.  A lot of times, I feel alone.  I know I'm not and I know its because right now, I'm going through the fire.  I'm far from perfect.  I will never be until we, the saints are transformed in the twinkling of an eye.  Some area's of my life are so rich and full....I could not ask for a better husband or a more wonderful marriage.  These past, almost 10 years now have been the best years of my life.  I truly found my soul mate...or rather, God led us to each other and for that, I can not be more thankful.

There are people who I feel have done my loved one's wrong.  So much so that there was a point in my life that I could probably say I hated them and have meant it.  Letting go of that was very difficult.  But it wasn't the hardest.

There was a time in my life I was angry at God.  SOOOO angry.  I was a sophomore in high school and told my daddy was dying and didn't have much time.  For those who didn't know me too well or at all at that time, my daddy was my hero.  He was my best friend, my mentor, my comfort, my stability, my strength and to think this was all going to be ripped away from me.  I was mad at God.  I mean, how could he take someone so important to me away from me when I needed him most.  A girl is SUPPOSED to have her daddy walk her down the isle.  A girl is supposed to see the delight on her daddy's face and she presents him with his newest grand baby.  Not to mention, in his later years, some would probably claim my dad was about as close to a saint as you will find on this earth today.  We didn't have much growing up but what we did have, if someone else needed it, my dad gave it to them.  I'm not saying he ever sacrificed his families well being, what I'm saying is IF he could help them in any way, he would.  Even if it was just a kind word or sharing the gospel with someone who was hurting.  A hot meal to someone who wouldn't have eaten that night, a warm bed to someone who had no place to stay.  He was that type of man and I felt my world crumbling in around me.  But I forgave.  I made my peace with God and my dad was healed of that cancer.  Yes he did die to another cancer several years later and yes I was still that girl who's daddy wasn't there to walk her down the isle or to share the joy in the grandchildren she gave him but I knew he was no longer suffering and I knew I was now strong enough to at least try and live up to his legacy.  I fail.  So many times I fail but I get back up and push on because my daddy would have and he instilled that in me.  I hurt when I see the world around me hurting...hungry...homeless....hopeless....downtrodden....sick...because my daddy showed me that.  What allowed me to to forgive God (not that He needed my forgiveness but I needed to give it anyway) was I realized, my dad was showing me what he learned from his Daddy!  Jesus Christ!   My dad was not always this soft hearted, kind hearted man.  He would tell us stories of his teen years and his early adulthood.  Sometimes with tears streaming down his face but the man I always knew was a man that loved Christ first and foremost and did his part to share Christ with others.  He practiced what he preached.  So knowing that I now had the same dad that my dad had and would never be alone gave me the strength I needed to move forward.

Then there were littler things that were even easier to forgive.  A friend "stealing" your boy friend.  You learn not to let boys come between your friendship at an early age and if someone does, you have to question if they were ever a friend to begin with.  Forgive and move forward.

Someone accuses you of something you didn't do.  Make it right, leave it in God's hands and know He'll work it out in the end.  Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Someone fuels their anger and bitterness at someone else on you.  This one wasn't quite so easy to forgive given the circumstances but in the long run, compared my biggest test ever, it was a piece of cake.  When my daddy was sick the second time, I really struggled.  Not with God but with saying good bye.  My thoughts would jump forward to my wedding day or any other big event in my life and I knew, my dad wouldn't be there beside me.  Well, while he was dying, naturally I had some really difficult days.  I had this boss who did not understand at all.  She was hateful and bitter.  Rude and mean!  She even told me she didn't understand my emotion and my connection with my father because she herself hated her dad.  My mom would call me with an update and I'd start crying and she'd call me back to her office and want to know "whats the matter now?"  I'd tell her the news I had just heard and her answer would be "Well, just move on with your life and get over it!"  REALLY???  I was still going through it, how exactly was I supposed to get over it when it was surrounding me every day.  I don't know if you've ever had to watch someone suffer and die in your own home but it's not something you just "move on and get over."  Especially when it's still going on.  Sometimes I still smell the stench of death.  Though my daddy went peacefully, I can't say it was pleasant.  I would never wish ANYONE to have to go through that.  I know many do and I'm SOOO sorry if you have but I would never even wish that on someone I considered my worst enemy.  Well, I was with a temp agency so I called and got a new assignment for the next day.  I told the girl in charge of finding me a position that she either found me a new position or I'd just have to quit.  She had me a place by the end of the day and it was with a group of loving, caring, understanding people.  God worked it out.  I forgave and I moved on...from that job and boss anyway.

Having said all that, now comes the part where I'm going to get real.  I once heard a story of a woman who was brutally raped.  This isn't just any ordinary story.  This hit really close to home.  It was a friend of my moms best friend.  I had met her on a few occasions.  It was a miracle she walked away with her life but what happened in her own apartment where her attacker raped her repeatedly and brutally, I will never forget.  This woman started talking to her attacker about Christ and His forgiveness and what He did for us on the cross.  I'm not exactly sure when it happened but over the course of time, she would go visit him in jail and would continue witnessing to him.  This man, because of this woman's forgiveness, persistence, and strength came to know Christ as his savior!  I always asked myself would I be able to do that if I were in her shoes?

Before I go on with that topic, I want to give you a little back ground information on me and my upbringing.  I was born and raised in a Christian home.  My parents had us in church every time the doors were opened.  I asked Jesus in my heart at the age of 5. It was a very private and intimate time for me, because of that and my age, I can not not tell you a date but I can tell you it was a Christian broadcast that I loved to watch that got through to me and made me understand what it was that Christ did for us.  I went into my room, knelt beside my bed and said a quick and simple and sincere prayer.  Tears ran down my face and it was the best feeling I have ever had.  I was always kind of shy as a kid and felt it was something just between me and God.  I was the same way when it came to baptism.  I didn't want a big deal made about it so my parents didn't even know.  It was a surprise to them (of course I made sure they were going to be there that night).  At a very young age, I made a vow to myself, to God, and to my family and friends that I would remain a virgin until my wedding night.  I took that vow very seriously.  I had a "worth the wait" ring that I never took off.  My first serious relationship, he understood that and sometimes was stronger than I was.  Though he was bad for me in so many other ways,  he respected me as far as not forcing me or pushing me to do anything I didn't want to do.  I was 18 at this time.  However, this was not always the case in my relationships.

I will not mention names, time frames, places, etc in this part of my blog.  It's under the blood, I've forgiven and moved on and honestly, have even forgotten the last name of the one that "wronged" me.  I will say this, he was someone I met in Church and trusted.  We had been dating for a few months and we were supposed to go out one night.  Because of his circumstances at the time, I was driving so I went to his place to pick him up.  He seemed bothered.  He was acting unusual that night.  He asked me to come in and when I did, he locked the door behind me.  He told me to sit down, he wanted to show me something so I did.  He went and pulled a gun out from under his bed.  All I remember thinking was, "why on earth does he have this and why is he showing it to me??"  He said he felt he needed it for protection but didn't elaborate at all.  I got up and said, "well, let's get out of here but that isn't coming in my car."  He packs it back up and slides it back under his bed.  I start walking towards the door and he comes and stands between me and the door and started kissing me....no big deal, we'd been dating for a few months now and had even talked marriage so it wasn't too unexpected but I still had a bit of an uneasy feeling.  He walks me to the bed and pushes me down on it.  I told him no.  I'm not ready for that and would rather wait until we are married.  I stand up and he pushes me back down.  This happened a couple of times and I finally froze in fear.  I knew he wasn't relenting.  He KNEW my values and morals and were I stood when it came to that kind of thing so I was a bit hurt, confused, afraid.  I told him \no a few times but he kept moving things forward.  Here's the part I have trouble with.  I froze up so much in fear that I stopped fighting.  The gun kept flashing through my mind, the fact that he was stronger than me and had me pinned down ran through my mind and for some crazy reason, I felt my outcome would be better if I did stop fighting.  He did finally grow a conscience and with tears in his eyes apologized and said he was sorry but it was too late.  He'd already stolen from me my most prized possession.   The one thing I valued more than anything else.  My purity.   For some reason, forgiving him was so much easier (though was definitely not immediate) than forgiving myself.  Even to this day I struggle with that at times.  I used to replay that night over and over in my head and wonder, if I fought harder would he have stopped?  Or would I be dead?  What did I do to bring this on?  What could I have done differently??   Did I do or say something to make him think that is what I wanted?  Over and over again, I justify the situation for him and lay all the blame on me.  Did I press charges?  No.  A girl who feels she's at fault will not press charges.  After all, he WAS my boyfriend and we had talked about getting married and the shame it would bring to me and my family.  His family, our Church.  But most of all, it was shame for myself I felt the most.  I still can't answer why.  I just know I felt used, tarnished, dirty, impure, unworthy, I could keep going on and on with adjectives to describe how I felt but I think you get the picture.

Why did I rip the scab off that wound and share it?  Because it's too big of a burden to keep pinned up inside.  Because SOMEONE needed to know that no matter what wrong someone has done to them, they are not unworthy, dirty, shameful, or used goods!  God has been working on me and self worth a lot lately and it all stems back from that one horrible night.  That was the night I stopped caring.  About me anyway.  That was the night my vow went out the window because after all, it had been stolen from me, ripped up and put back in my lap.  Not literally but figuratively.  It wasn't long after that my dad passed away so you can imagine the emotions stacked one on top of another.  It lead to some stupid decisions, a few mistakes but in the end, God is always there!  When you feel worthless, He covered that with his blood.  When you feel guilt, He bore that on the cross.  When you feel dirty, He washed that away and made you white as snow!  It has taken me all these years, a lot of prayer, and finally laying it down and not picking it back up to be able to say, I AM WORTHY!!!  No one ruined me!  He may have stole something from me but my God restored what he took 10 times over.  I wasn't supposed to be able to have children.  God gave me and my hubby 3 beautiful miracles.  Olivia could have died during child birth but he protected her.  Caleb was supposed to have been a miscarriage, but he's a live and well.  I was supposed to need fertility drugs to get pregnant with Madi but it happened naturally and immediately.  For every bad relationship I ever had, God has given me almost 10 years of an amazingly beautiful marriage and a wonderful God fearing man that loves me just the way I am.

So, you may ask, is forgiveness necessary?  ABSOLUTELY!!! you can not grow if you are stuck in your past.  You can't move forward if you keep stepping back to old circumstances but most importantly, forgiveness is a must for us to enter into heaven.  The word tells us,

Matthew 6:15 "But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

 

So ABSOLUTELY YES!!! you must forgive.  It's not always easy.  For some reason forgiving ones self is the most difficult thing to do but if I'm worthy enough for God's forgiveness, I'm more than worthy enough for yours and for mine.  You are worthy, you are chosen, you are called, you are loved, you are special and none of your life circumstances can define you!  Only God can.  From there, it's up to you to grow, show love, and forgive others.   PCOS (poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) may keep me fat, fibromyalgia may make me feel pain sometimes but by the grace of God, neither of them are going to keep me down or steel my self worth from me.  I am who I am by the blood of the lamb.  I am the righteousness of God in Christ and though circumstances may slow me down, they will never hold me down!

<3  I don't know who needed to read this but some one did and if it helps only 1 person, it's more than enough for me! 

God bless!

 

Hero's come in all shapes and sizes!

So, I've been contemplating writing a book about my life.  Not just because of all that's happened in my lifetime, but because one day, I'd like my kids to be able to pick it up and feel like they are reliving my life through what they are reading.  The good, the bad, and the ugly, but mostly the good!  :)  As I was thinking of how I would start off the book, the introduction if you will, I figured a basic introduction of my earliest years would be the best.  Which, of course would mean introducing the yours, mine and ours aspect of our family.  We were the Brady Bunch of East Tulsa only with 5 kids instead of 8.  My mom had 2 children by a previous marriage and my dad had 2 by a previous marriage and when they were married, conceived me....the caboose.  So naturally, that got me to thinking about my childhood and reminiscing on days long gone.  I LOVE, absolutely LOVE all my siblings and both my parents but as a little girl, seeing as there were SO many years between me and my siblings, I was closest to my daddy and my oldest brother.

It was then that it dawned on me that I'm not sure my oldest brother knows EXACTLY how much he meant to me and exactly how influential he was on me in my adolescent years.  And now, the explanation of my title.  He was my hero!  My daddy was always my biggest hero but my big brother Doug ran a very close second!  He doted on me and spoiled me and was the best big brother a little girl could ask for.  He even had his friends doting on me!  haha!  Keep in mind, he graduated high school only a year after I was born so looking back, it's kind of funny just HOW much attention these high school seniors and college boys paid me.  Some of my best memories are of going out to his room where he kept his weights and watching him work out as he had his music blaring.  I'm still not quite certain how I remember this seeing as he was in college by the time I was 2.  Maybe it was summers?  Another favorite memory was an annual memory.  Christmas.  He would sit with me as I opened my gifts in the old rocking chair in my parents UGLY green living room!  LOL  Pea green shag carpet and a rocking chair that looked like it had a quilt top for a seat cushion cover.  One of my ALL time FAVORITE memories and I'm not even sure if he'll remember this....I don't know if it was my dads motor cycle or his or what the deal was but I always wanted to go for a ride with him on it.  My mom would never let me.  Well he was out riding one time and I don't know where my ride started or if my dad and I had walked up to Foster and met him in the parking lot or what the deal was but I got my first motor cycle ride from my big brother!  I just remember dad putting me on there with him in Foster Middle School parking lot.

I remember the interstate lights on our way to see him in college!  I was so excited I couldn't sleep.  Again, I'm not sure why we were traveling at night...maybe it was on a night after dad had been working but I just couldn't wait to see him.  I remember crying the trip back because I didn't want to leave him.

Another one of my favorite memories is his wedding day.  My sister in law was (and still is ) amazingly beautiful.  Inside and out.  She was like a big sister to me as well.  I think she may have doted on me just as much if not more than my big brother did once they started dating.  haha.  As with any relationship, time and distance have separated us but the love and fond memories will always be there.

I've written several blogs on my daddy already....these were my very first hero's.  As I've grown up and become a mother myself, I've added new hero's.  My kids teachers and Sunday school teachers....that more often than not goes unspoken which is a shame.  I'll never forget the warmth in my heart and the tears that welled up in my eyes when Olivia came home from School last year, it was getting close to Christmas break, and she told me that her teacher told her class the Christmas story and why we celebrate Christmas.  To some, that may not be much but to a parent that is trying to raise their kids up with the same beliefs and morals they have, that is EVERYTHING!!!  I think a child's faith begins at home but it's nice to have reinforcements in the way of Sunday School teachers and School teachers and even more refreshing when teachers are not afraid to speak of their convictions and faith, knowing they may face consequences if the wrong parent gets wind of it and gets offended.  It brought tears to my eye's to know that some of our teachers are not just teachers, but in my eyes, missionaries as well!

My husband is one of my hero's!  He came into my life at a critical time.  I was just beginning to deal with the grief of losing my father and I was making some not so great decisions.  I was looking for love in all the wrong places and for someone to fill that huge void in my heart.  No I wasn't looking for a daddy replacement but I think I was just thinking that if I could experience marriage and love that maybe that love would dim out the part that was now missing and an open wound.  God knew what I needed and though the circumstances are quite comical at best, a new hero was brought into my life!  He is the love of my life!  It's great to experience what God intended when He said "The two shall become one" and I'm not just talking on a bedroom level, I mean in ALL aspects of marriage.  It's beautiful when the love and trust and communication is all on the same level and functioning as one unit.  I'm also thankful I never became "unequally yoked". I see so many of my friends and family struggling with marriage and it's so hard to just sit back and watch and sometimes, though I feel immensely blessed, I also feel a bit guilty that I found (or rather God brought to me) what He designed for us all to have.  I feel guilty that I don't know what they are going through because I've never experienced a relationship that is about to or feels like it's failing.  Don't get me wrong, I'm ever grateful I HAVEN'T gone through that but I'm one who always tries to put myself in someone elses shoes to get a glimpse of what they are going through and those are shoes I can't put on.  I won't put on .  So it leaves me feeling a bit helpless in how to be a good listener when someone comes to me with these issues.  I've learned that most times, a good listener is all they need.  They aren't looking for direction and council when they seek out a friend, but rather a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear.  That I can do and that I can be!  I love you Jeremy Lee Bullard and I'm so ever thankful that God brought us together!!

My children have become my hero's.  I don't know what I would do without them.  They keep me in check and they show me a new side of love that I never could understand until I had kids of my own.  Teenagers, college students, if you are reading this, think about how you treat your parents because whether you know it or not, you are most likely their hero's too!  I would be here ALL day if I went through each of my kids characteristics and what makes them my hero but just the fact that they are mine, given to me by God when by Dr.'s standards, I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids, makes them my hero!  And of course, that makes God my biggest hero!!

Take a minute to think about who YOUR hero's are and the ones that are still here, let them know!  You just might make their day!  :)

Lord I accept these tears!

So lately, I've become a blubbering mess.  The best way to describe it is that my spirit has become very sensitive to what is going on around me.  Maybe it's my way of interceding for those around me, I'm not sure but I really do cry at the drop of a hat.  For example.  I'm sure you all saw on the news or Rickey Stokes, the 4 car fender bender on the circle the other day.  We were driving by it just after it happened.  There weren't any police or emergency vehicles there yet but plenty of people had stopped to help.  Well, the lady in the very back, bless her heart, it just looked like this was the icing on her cake to a bad day and it was only about 10 or 10:30 AM.  She was sitting in the middle of the road ( the lane that was closed to traffic) on her knee's, rocking back and forth and bawling.  It truly was heart breaking.  I started crying with her and for her.  She doesn't know that and may never know that but I just couldn't help it.  Tears just began to fall.  Here's another example.  My dog has been going through heart worm treatments.  Turns out she was given to us infested with about every worm known to dog.  We noticed the others early on but since she was given to us with heart guard, the thought of her having heart worms never crossed my mind.  Well it was time to get her vaccinations up to date so we took her to our first non emergency vet visit (she had been  before but it was trip to the doggy ER) and they discovered she had heart worms.  We chose to do the effective treatments which unfortunately are very expensive.  When we take her for her second treatment, a different vet is there.  The first time, she was sent home with pain meds.  The second time, she was not and she seemed to be in pain all night long.  Wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink.  Just had a little grunt to her breathing as someone would who were in physical pain.  She had to go back the next morning for treatment 3 so when I mentioned it to her "regular" vet that had not been there the day before, he tells me she was hurting...she should have been given pain meds to get her through the night.  I start crying.

And don't get me started on Praise and Worship at church.  You would think that I would know by now that I need to bring tissue with me because for the past month or 2, I can't make it through any one song with out bawling like a baby.  This is not normal for me.  I'm not saying I've been cold hearted but I got good at hiding my emotions after losing my daddy and in all honesty, sometimes I just was not listening to the words I was singing.  I've started listening...and really understanding what they are saying.  I think I'm now making up for lost time.  I felt I had to be strong for my mom and for everyone else around me when daddy died so I shoved my pain to the back and ignored it for years.  Then I dealt with it.  Then I was better.  Until now, I cry at everything.  A sad movie, a baby being born (after all they are ALL miracles!!) a lady having a bad day and losing it over a fender bender. A homeless person pushing a shopping cart with all their belongings in it down the street.  A beautiful rainbow in the sky.  A heart felt praise and worship song.  Another thing about me that some may not know.  I used to write poetry.  ALL the time.  Words just came to me and I'd have to stop what I was doing and write.  That's another thing that I seemed to have lost after losing my dad.  I wrote a poem for him that I read at his funeral and I don't think I've written but 1 or 2 since and they seemed forced to me.  Well tonight, I was thinking about my newly acquired gift of crying and a poem came to me and I ran and grabbed a pen and some paper and here is what flowed from my heart.  And yes, tears flowed as well.


"Lord I accept these tears!"

When others are hurting and facing their fears,
     Lord I accept these falling tears.
When my brothers and sisters are needing a hand,
     I accept these tears and I'll do what I can.

When babies are hurt and dying or ill,
   I accept these tears.  They know Your will!
When I have no words and I'm not sure how to pray,
     I accept these tears, they know just what to say.

Revival is coming to these dying lands!
     These tears tell me so, as well as the praise in these hands!
When your creation is wounded and broken apart,
     Lord I accept these tears.  They know your heart!

You are speaking to me.  What you are saying I'm not quite sure.
     But these tears in my eyes are washing away the blur.
I'm seeing as you do.  The pain and the fear
     and for that I am thankful for each falling tear.

I tried to stop them and to keep them away,
     but these tears are speaking and calling me to pray.
These tears aren't just pain.  They bring joy too!
     When I see others helping others, in them, I see You!

Lord I am yours!  I thank you for this calling!
     And I gladly accept these tears that are falling!

~Mary Bullard 05/08/11

Do you REALLY understand??

My A HA! moment of the week.  This morning was one of the most emotional, anointed, appointed, spiritual, touching services I've been to in a long time.  The spirit of God was very much present.  It always is but today was more special for me.  Through a series of skits, songs, prayers, the Lords Supper, and scripture reading, God spoke to me.
     Growing up, I LOVED praise and worship!  I had most all of the hymn's memorized.  But now, as an adult who seeks to know more of God and to grow in my faith, I realize I never really LISTENED to what I was singing.  I was going through the motions.  Sure I loved the Lord with all my heart.  I would tell others of the wonderful things he did for me but I never stopped to FULLY comprehend just what it was He DID do for me....and YOU!!  You should also watch this skit.  http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7Z67KGNX  That skit wasn't the main thing that brought to mind just how much of a sacrifice my Savior did for me but it did help drive the point home. 
     It all started with a skit some of our Church members performed.  It was a skit showing that no matter what we do, no matter what we go through, even when we feel alone, Christ is there for us!   His grace is there for us.  All we need to do is accept it!  And then through a series of praise and worship song that I REALLY listened to and brought me to tears, and to listening to Holy Spirit speak to me, an analogy popped into my head.  As a child and through my teenage years, my daddy (my earthly daddy) was my everything.  I loved him like I loved no other.  So when he first became ill, I couldn't comprehend why MY daddy had to go through that.  When his second bout of cancer finally lead to his death, I hurt like you wouldn't believe.  It was without a doubt the worst pain I've ever gone through in my life.  My dad didn't choose to go that way.  I sure didn't choose to see him suffer in agony like that and if his parents had been presented with that choice, they sure wouldn't have chosen that path for him either but sometimes, life happens.  And in life, there is death.  We aren't promised tomorrow but we ARE promised eternity.  A bright future! 
     As a parent, I can't even IMAGINE choosing for my child to be a sacrifice so that others may live.  The mommy in me just can't bare that thought. But God did!!  As a human being, I can't imagine allowing myself...choosing to follow that path of being nailed to a cross for all humanity!  A humanity that may or may not choose to believe in me and to accept my sacrifice.  But Jesus did!!! 
     Do you understand???  Do you get just how much of a sacrifice was made?  Do you get how great a gift we've been given if we only choose to accept it??  A loving God cared for His creation so much that though they more often than not, chose to live in sin, was willing to send His ONLY son to be the ultimate sacrifice so that we may find redemption!  He dealt us the Grace card!  He gave us a get out of hell free card!!!  WHY would you not choose such an amazing gift of love??
     I understand that there are those who have a hard time believing that anyone would make such an ultimate sacrifice and for that reason, their doubt leads them to not believe.  Some even hate Christianity for believing in such a Hopeful ending.  One where no matter how much suffering we go through, will ultimately lead to a life of hope and joy for all eternity but I have but one thing to say about that.  If I'm wrong, (which I know I'm not!  I've seen way too many miracles and felt God's presence more times than I could ever even try to count) what do I have to lose???  If YOU are wrong, you've missed out on an eternity with a loving creator who chooses to give His children an eternity free from pain....and sorrow....and death.....and heart break!!!  Think about all the pain and suffering and heartbreak you may have experienced already in your life time!  Wouldn't it be nice to know that once our time is up or once God calls us home that from that point on and for all eternity we will never have to go through that again???  THAT is what my God did for me...and YOU and for all the world! 
     John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him will not parish but have everlasting life!"
     John 3:17  "For God came into the world not to condemn the world but that the world, through HIM, might be saved!"

Romans 10:9

" If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

My prayer is that all those I've ever come in contact with be given the opportunity to hear of God's love and his sacrifice and come to know a God of grace and ask Him to be their Lord and Savior!

And please don't take this as a "holier than thou" blog.  It is not meant that way.  I've made my fair share of mistakes and will continue doing so I'm sure.  I'm only human!  We all sin.  None of us are perfect and I know I fall short sometimes.  Probably at times I may not even realize it.  But I'm a human that has been saved by grace and that alone gives me hope of a brighter tomorrow.   I do ask your forgiveness if I've ever not been an example that I know I should be.  I ask for your grace to realize that though I strive to do good, live right, and be a light to others, that I do have my weak moments.  I do fall short...I do lose patience and please forgive me for that as well.  And please know that if ANY of you ever want to know about my faith and my love for Christ, that I'm more than willing to talk to any one of you about it.  I've not always been able to say that.  I've been timid...self conscious, intimidated but that is no more.  I can not let my lack of confidence keep me from doing what we as believer are called to do. 

Mark 16:15

   ¹⁵ He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.

God bless!!!
~Mary 

do you practice what you preach???

A little situation over on FB has had me thinking a lot lately and quite frankly has opened my eyes to why so many people are hurt by "Christians."  I put quotes around it because I think one should really think about what it means to be a Christian before showing the world what you "think" it means to be a Christian is.

If you knew someone who was not a Christian and publicly blasphemed the name of Jesus, what would your reaction be??  Maybe even not on facebook.  Maybe this happened in real life?  The world is watching how you react to certain situations and I would venture to say that some may even be purposely testing you.  Well this did happen with a group of my facebook friends. I'm sure we all have circles of friends and acquaintances that don't believe or view things the way we do but our reaction to these circumstances will weed out the Christ like attitudes from the not so Christ like attitudes.  One said friend was/is obviously not a believer. And  many derogatory things were said about my savior!  Things not worth repeating.  Some chose to "unfriend" him because of this but that action from the believers also bothered me.  If you read God's word and pay special attention to the parables, most of Christ's ministering were to doubters, scoffers, blasphemers, and yes, even the "religious" folk.  Religious being the key term here.  It's one thing to claim to be a Christian and live it.  That is what I call a relationship but to turn your back on anyone and anything that doesn't fit into your box, that's what I see as a religious spirit.  If Jesus would have done that, His ministry would not have been the success that it was.  He would only be talking to those who didn't offend them.  The Bible tells us to pray for those that despitefully use us.  Luke 6:28 "Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."

It is possible to be in this world but not of it while ministering to those of it.   Ephesians 4 :26 "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:"  It's okay to be angry at something you find offensive but your reaction to that and your response to it is going to determine what kind of witness you bare.  Jesus was spat upon but still prayed for those that persecuted Him.  By turning away instead of turning the other cheek, you destroy your witness.  Maybe next time you are offended by someone, place them at  the top of your prayer list instead of turning away from them all together.
Food for thought!
God bless!
~M

If you've ever been slapped in the face with grief or disappointment, this is for you!

So, a few months ago, a good friend recommended a book club to me.  I'm sad to say that she moved away before I was able to make my first meeting.  However, I've been to 2 meetings so far and read 3 of the books.  I'm truly loving this time.  One, it encourages me to get back into reading which is something I thought I'd never have time to do again because I always seemed to have a needy baby.  LOL  Though my babies seem to be growing up all too quickly, I'm noticing their independence has give me a little bit of my independence back as well and it is an amazing feeling. and 2, though  I don't know any of the ladies in book club that well yet, I hope to get to know them better over time and develop friendships.  ANYWAY, I said all that to say, this months book is a MUST read to ANYONE who has ever been slapped so hard in the face with grief, or disappointment, depression or an awful marriage, abusive relationships or has just ever felt alone at any point in your life.  I think it's safe to say we've all been there at some point.

Now let me just tell you this....I haven't even completely finished chapter one and it spoke so loudly to me that I couldn't go to bed without begging you all to read this book.  If you've ever caught yourself wondering if God really does exist and if He does, how can such awful things happen to you or to those you love or to any good person in general, you will want to read this book.  As I read, I find myself saying, "I've said that before...I've thought that....WOW!!!  That's profound!"  I've never had a book captivate me so much within the first few pages.  Not only has the book captured my attention because I've been where the writer is in my own life but she is an AMAZING writer and has ways of making you want to just keep reading.  I would venture to say that if we didn't have a cable installation man coming to our home in the morning, I would probably stay up all night reading this book.  It is called, "one thousand gift" and it's by Ann Voskamp.   Yes it is in the religious section of your book store.  If you don't consider yourself a religious person or a Christian or Spiritual at all, I still plead with you, if you enjoy reading, pick up this book.  I'll even venture to bet you that in some way, it will impact your life!

I think one reason this book spoke to me so much was the feeling the author expressed when she was sharing her moments of grief and questioning God's existence.  Though I don't want to ruin the book for you should you choose to accept this challenge, I do want to share a snippet of a part that really got my attention.  It was when the author was going to comfort her sister in law and brother in law after the loss of their second child.  Their boys didn't live past 5 months do to genetic defects.  They buried 2 sons within a year and a half of each other.  The author lost her sister at a young age and the impact of that loss and seeing her parents grief and turning away from God had her questioning if God really did exist.  When she was in the hospital room she says to her brother in law who's second son is fading rapidly, (and I will continue with the portion I want to share as well as her quote.  It all runs in together and it's the brother in law's response to her words that truly opened up my eyes and made me see things differently...or should I say, more clearly.)  "If it were up to me..." and the the words pound, desperate and hard, "I'd write this story differently."
     I regret the words as soon as they leave me.  They seem so un-Christian, so unaccepting--so No, God!  I wish I could take them back, comb out their tangled madness, dress them in their calm Sunday best.  But there they are, released and naked, raw and real, stripped of any theological cliche', my exposed, serrated howl to the throne room.
     "you know..."  John's voice breaks into my memory and his gaze lingers, then turns again toward the waving wheat field.  "Well, even with our boys...I don't know why that all happened."  He shrugs again.  "But do I have to?"...Who knows?  I don't mention it often, but sometimes I think of that story in the Old Testament.  Can't remember what book, but you know--when God gave King Hezekiah fifteen more years of life?  Because he prayed for it?  But if Hezekiah had died when God first intended, Manasseh would never have been born.  And what does the Bible say about Manasseh?  Something to the effect that Manasseh had led the Israelites to do even more evil than all the heathen nations around Israel.  Think of all the evil that would have been avoided if Hezekiah had died earlier, before Manasseh was born.  I am not saying anything, either way, about anything."
     He's watching that sea of green rolling in winds.  Then it comes slow, in a low, quiet voice that I have to strain to hear.  
     "Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."


WOW!!!  That really made me stop and think.  And I know the part that I just shared does have a lot about the Bible and God in it but that's OK....I hope it doesn't turn anyone away. After all this is about they Authors quest to discover for herself what she believes and how she feels about God.  I have to say that the brother in laws response is not a response I would have given during my grief of losing my father.  I was like the author.  I wanted to know why?!  If you ever watch movies about time travel, you probably know the one resounding rule that is explained in all time travel movies.  DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!!!  because if you change what has already happened or what is meant to happen, you change the entire ending to the story and we don't know that the changed ending would be any better than the current ending.  This man wasn't saying that his boys would have been evil.  He wasn't even saying that his boys offspring would have.  He was simply stating that this ending, as awful as it appears now is for a reason and it's not always for us to know and that it certainly COULD be for the better.  That is some amazing strength!!  I'll not share anymore of the book with you at the moment.  But I do plead with you to pick it up for yourself!  It is truly magnificent!!!
Until I blog again~
Mary