So lately, I've become a blubbering mess. The best way to describe it is that my spirit has become very sensitive to what is going on around me. Maybe it's my way of interceding for those around me, I'm not sure but I really do cry at the drop of a hat. For example. I'm sure you all saw on the news or Rickey Stokes, the 4 car fender bender on the circle the other day. We were driving by it just after it happened. There weren't any police or emergency vehicles there yet but plenty of people had stopped to help. Well, the lady in the very back, bless her heart, it just looked like this was the icing on her cake to a bad day and it was only about 10 or 10:30 AM. She was sitting in the middle of the road ( the lane that was closed to traffic) on her knee's, rocking back and forth and bawling. It truly was heart breaking. I started crying with her and for her. She doesn't know that and may never know that but I just couldn't help it. Tears just began to fall. Here's another example. My dog has been going through heart worm treatments. Turns out she was given to us infested with about every worm known to dog. We noticed the others early on but since she was given to us with heart guard, the thought of her having heart worms never crossed my mind. Well it was time to get her vaccinations up to date so we took her to our first non emergency vet visit (she had been before but it was trip to the doggy ER) and they discovered she had heart worms. We chose to do the effective treatments which unfortunately are very expensive. When we take her for her second treatment, a different vet is there. The first time, she was sent home with pain meds. The second time, she was not and she seemed to be in pain all night long. Wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. Just had a little grunt to her breathing as someone would who were in physical pain. She had to go back the next morning for treatment 3 so when I mentioned it to her "regular" vet that had not been there the day before, he tells me she was hurting...she should have been given pain meds to get her through the night. I start crying.
And don't get me started on Praise and Worship at church. You would think that I would know by now that I need to bring tissue with me because for the past month or 2, I can't make it through any one song with out bawling like a baby. This is not normal for me. I'm not saying I've been cold hearted but I got good at hiding my emotions after losing my daddy and in all honesty, sometimes I just was not listening to the words I was singing. I've started listening...and really understanding what they are saying. I think I'm now making up for lost time. I felt I had to be strong for my mom and for everyone else around me when daddy died so I shoved my pain to the back and ignored it for years. Then I dealt with it. Then I was better. Until now, I cry at everything. A sad movie, a baby being born (after all they are ALL miracles!!) a lady having a bad day and losing it over a fender bender. A homeless person pushing a shopping cart with all their belongings in it down the street. A beautiful rainbow in the sky. A heart felt praise and worship song. Another thing about me that some may not know. I used to write poetry. ALL the time. Words just came to me and I'd have to stop what I was doing and write. That's another thing that I seemed to have lost after losing my dad. I wrote a poem for him that I read at his funeral and I don't think I've written but 1 or 2 since and they seemed forced to me. Well tonight, I was thinking about my newly acquired gift of crying and a poem came to me and I ran and grabbed a pen and some paper and here is what flowed from my heart. And yes, tears flowed as well.
"Lord I accept these tears!"
When others are hurting and facing their fears,
Lord I accept these falling tears.
When my brothers and sisters are needing a hand,
I accept these tears and I'll do what I can.
When babies are hurt and dying or ill,
I accept these tears. They know Your will!
When I have no words and I'm not sure how to pray,
I accept these tears, they know just what to say.
Revival is coming to these dying lands!
These tears tell me so, as well as the praise in these hands!
When your creation is wounded and broken apart,
Lord I accept these tears. They know your heart!
You are speaking to me. What you are saying I'm not quite sure.
But these tears in my eyes are washing away the blur.
I'm seeing as you do. The pain and the fear
and for that I am thankful for each falling tear.
I tried to stop them and to keep them away,
but these tears are speaking and calling me to pray.
These tears aren't just pain. They bring joy too!
When I see others helping others, in them, I see You!
Lord I am yours! I thank you for this calling!
And I gladly accept these tears that are falling!
~Mary Bullard 05/08/11
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Do you REALLY understand??
My A HA! moment of the week. This morning was one of the most emotional, anointed, appointed, spiritual, touching services I've been to in a long time. The spirit of God was very much present. It always is but today was more special for me. Through a series of skits, songs, prayers, the Lords Supper, and scripture reading, God spoke to me.
Growing up, I LOVED praise and worship! I had most all of the hymn's memorized. But now, as an adult who seeks to know more of God and to grow in my faith, I realize I never really LISTENED to what I was singing. I was going through the motions. Sure I loved the Lord with all my heart. I would tell others of the wonderful things he did for me but I never stopped to FULLY comprehend just what it was He DID do for me....and YOU!! You should also watch this skit. http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7Z67KGNX That skit wasn't the main thing that brought to mind just how much of a sacrifice my Savior did for me but it did help drive the point home.
It all started with a skit some of our Church members performed. It was a skit showing that no matter what we do, no matter what we go through, even when we feel alone, Christ is there for us! His grace is there for us. All we need to do is accept it! And then through a series of praise and worship song that I REALLY listened to and brought me to tears, and to listening to Holy Spirit speak to me, an analogy popped into my head. As a child and through my teenage years, my daddy (my earthly daddy) was my everything. I loved him like I loved no other. So when he first became ill, I couldn't comprehend why MY daddy had to go through that. When his second bout of cancer finally lead to his death, I hurt like you wouldn't believe. It was without a doubt the worst pain I've ever gone through in my life. My dad didn't choose to go that way. I sure didn't choose to see him suffer in agony like that and if his parents had been presented with that choice, they sure wouldn't have chosen that path for him either but sometimes, life happens. And in life, there is death. We aren't promised tomorrow but we ARE promised eternity. A bright future!
As a parent, I can't even IMAGINE choosing for my child to be a sacrifice so that others may live. The mommy in me just can't bare that thought. But God did!! As a human being, I can't imagine allowing myself...choosing to follow that path of being nailed to a cross for all humanity! A humanity that may or may not choose to believe in me and to accept my sacrifice. But Jesus did!!!
Do you understand??? Do you get just how much of a sacrifice was made? Do you get how great a gift we've been given if we only choose to accept it?? A loving God cared for His creation so much that though they more often than not, chose to live in sin, was willing to send His ONLY son to be the ultimate sacrifice so that we may find redemption! He dealt us the Grace card! He gave us a get out of hell free card!!! WHY would you not choose such an amazing gift of love??
I understand that there are those who have a hard time believing that anyone would make such an ultimate sacrifice and for that reason, their doubt leads them to not believe. Some even hate Christianity for believing in such a Hopeful ending. One where no matter how much suffering we go through, will ultimately lead to a life of hope and joy for all eternity but I have but one thing to say about that. If I'm wrong, (which I know I'm not! I've seen way too many miracles and felt God's presence more times than I could ever even try to count) what do I have to lose??? If YOU are wrong, you've missed out on an eternity with a loving creator who chooses to give His children an eternity free from pain....and sorrow....and death.....and heart break!!! Think about all the pain and suffering and heartbreak you may have experienced already in your life time! Wouldn't it be nice to know that once our time is up or once God calls us home that from that point on and for all eternity we will never have to go through that again??? THAT is what my God did for me...and YOU and for all the world!
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him will not parish but have everlasting life!"
John 3:17 "For God came into the world not to condemn the world but that the world, through HIM, might be saved!"
My prayer is that all those I've ever come in contact with be given the opportunity to hear of God's love and his sacrifice and come to know a God of grace and ask Him to be their Lord and Savior!
And please don't take this as a "holier than thou" blog. It is not meant that way. I've made my fair share of mistakes and will continue doing so I'm sure. I'm only human! We all sin. None of us are perfect and I know I fall short sometimes. Probably at times I may not even realize it. But I'm a human that has been saved by grace and that alone gives me hope of a brighter tomorrow. I do ask your forgiveness if I've ever not been an example that I know I should be. I ask for your grace to realize that though I strive to do good, live right, and be a light to others, that I do have my weak moments. I do fall short...I do lose patience and please forgive me for that as well. And please know that if ANY of you ever want to know about my faith and my love for Christ, that I'm more than willing to talk to any one of you about it. I've not always been able to say that. I've been timid...self conscious, intimidated but that is no more. I can not let my lack of confidence keep me from doing what we as believer are called to do.
God bless!!!
~Mary
Growing up, I LOVED praise and worship! I had most all of the hymn's memorized. But now, as an adult who seeks to know more of God and to grow in my faith, I realize I never really LISTENED to what I was singing. I was going through the motions. Sure I loved the Lord with all my heart. I would tell others of the wonderful things he did for me but I never stopped to FULLY comprehend just what it was He DID do for me....and YOU!! You should also watch this skit. http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=7Z67KGNX That skit wasn't the main thing that brought to mind just how much of a sacrifice my Savior did for me but it did help drive the point home.
It all started with a skit some of our Church members performed. It was a skit showing that no matter what we do, no matter what we go through, even when we feel alone, Christ is there for us! His grace is there for us. All we need to do is accept it! And then through a series of praise and worship song that I REALLY listened to and brought me to tears, and to listening to Holy Spirit speak to me, an analogy popped into my head. As a child and through my teenage years, my daddy (my earthly daddy) was my everything. I loved him like I loved no other. So when he first became ill, I couldn't comprehend why MY daddy had to go through that. When his second bout of cancer finally lead to his death, I hurt like you wouldn't believe. It was without a doubt the worst pain I've ever gone through in my life. My dad didn't choose to go that way. I sure didn't choose to see him suffer in agony like that and if his parents had been presented with that choice, they sure wouldn't have chosen that path for him either but sometimes, life happens. And in life, there is death. We aren't promised tomorrow but we ARE promised eternity. A bright future!
As a parent, I can't even IMAGINE choosing for my child to be a sacrifice so that others may live. The mommy in me just can't bare that thought. But God did!! As a human being, I can't imagine allowing myself...choosing to follow that path of being nailed to a cross for all humanity! A humanity that may or may not choose to believe in me and to accept my sacrifice. But Jesus did!!!
Do you understand??? Do you get just how much of a sacrifice was made? Do you get how great a gift we've been given if we only choose to accept it?? A loving God cared for His creation so much that though they more often than not, chose to live in sin, was willing to send His ONLY son to be the ultimate sacrifice so that we may find redemption! He dealt us the Grace card! He gave us a get out of hell free card!!! WHY would you not choose such an amazing gift of love??
I understand that there are those who have a hard time believing that anyone would make such an ultimate sacrifice and for that reason, their doubt leads them to not believe. Some even hate Christianity for believing in such a Hopeful ending. One where no matter how much suffering we go through, will ultimately lead to a life of hope and joy for all eternity but I have but one thing to say about that. If I'm wrong, (which I know I'm not! I've seen way too many miracles and felt God's presence more times than I could ever even try to count) what do I have to lose??? If YOU are wrong, you've missed out on an eternity with a loving creator who chooses to give His children an eternity free from pain....and sorrow....and death.....and heart break!!! Think about all the pain and suffering and heartbreak you may have experienced already in your life time! Wouldn't it be nice to know that once our time is up or once God calls us home that from that point on and for all eternity we will never have to go through that again??? THAT is what my God did for me...and YOU and for all the world!
John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him will not parish but have everlasting life!"
John 3:17 "For God came into the world not to condemn the world but that the world, through HIM, might be saved!"
Romans 10:9
" If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."My prayer is that all those I've ever come in contact with be given the opportunity to hear of God's love and his sacrifice and come to know a God of grace and ask Him to be their Lord and Savior!
And please don't take this as a "holier than thou" blog. It is not meant that way. I've made my fair share of mistakes and will continue doing so I'm sure. I'm only human! We all sin. None of us are perfect and I know I fall short sometimes. Probably at times I may not even realize it. But I'm a human that has been saved by grace and that alone gives me hope of a brighter tomorrow. I do ask your forgiveness if I've ever not been an example that I know I should be. I ask for your grace to realize that though I strive to do good, live right, and be a light to others, that I do have my weak moments. I do fall short...I do lose patience and please forgive me for that as well. And please know that if ANY of you ever want to know about my faith and my love for Christ, that I'm more than willing to talk to any one of you about it. I've not always been able to say that. I've been timid...self conscious, intimidated but that is no more. I can not let my lack of confidence keep me from doing what we as believer are called to do.
Mark 16:15
15 He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.God bless!!!
~Mary
Monday, March 21, 2011
do you practice what you preach???
A little situation over on FB has had me thinking a lot lately and quite frankly has opened my eyes to why so many people are hurt by "Christians." I put quotes around it because I think one should really think about what it means to be a Christian before showing the world what you "think" it means to be a Christian is.
If you knew someone who was not a Christian and publicly blasphemed the name of Jesus, what would your reaction be?? Maybe even not on facebook. Maybe this happened in real life? The world is watching how you react to certain situations and I would venture to say that some may even be purposely testing you. Well this did happen with a group of my facebook friends. I'm sure we all have circles of friends and acquaintances that don't believe or view things the way we do but our reaction to these circumstances will weed out the Christ like attitudes from the not so Christ like attitudes. One said friend was/is obviously not a believer. And many derogatory things were said about my savior! Things not worth repeating. Some chose to "unfriend" him because of this but that action from the believers also bothered me. If you read God's word and pay special attention to the parables, most of Christ's ministering were to doubters, scoffers, blasphemers, and yes, even the "religious" folk. Religious being the key term here. It's one thing to claim to be a Christian and live it. That is what I call a relationship but to turn your back on anyone and anything that doesn't fit into your box, that's what I see as a religious spirit. If Jesus would have done that, His ministry would not have been the success that it was. He would only be talking to those who didn't offend them. The Bible tells us to pray for those that despitefully use us. Luke 6:28 "Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."
It is possible to be in this world but not of it while ministering to those of it. Ephesians 4 :26 "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" It's okay to be angry at something you find offensive but your reaction to that and your response to it is going to determine what kind of witness you bare. Jesus was spat upon but still prayed for those that persecuted Him. By turning away instead of turning the other cheek, you destroy your witness. Maybe next time you are offended by someone, place them at the top of your prayer list instead of turning away from them all together.
Food for thought!
God bless!
~M
If you knew someone who was not a Christian and publicly blasphemed the name of Jesus, what would your reaction be?? Maybe even not on facebook. Maybe this happened in real life? The world is watching how you react to certain situations and I would venture to say that some may even be purposely testing you. Well this did happen with a group of my facebook friends. I'm sure we all have circles of friends and acquaintances that don't believe or view things the way we do but our reaction to these circumstances will weed out the Christ like attitudes from the not so Christ like attitudes. One said friend was/is obviously not a believer. And many derogatory things were said about my savior! Things not worth repeating. Some chose to "unfriend" him because of this but that action from the believers also bothered me. If you read God's word and pay special attention to the parables, most of Christ's ministering were to doubters, scoffers, blasphemers, and yes, even the "religious" folk. Religious being the key term here. It's one thing to claim to be a Christian and live it. That is what I call a relationship but to turn your back on anyone and anything that doesn't fit into your box, that's what I see as a religious spirit. If Jesus would have done that, His ministry would not have been the success that it was. He would only be talking to those who didn't offend them. The Bible tells us to pray for those that despitefully use us. Luke 6:28 "Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you."
It is possible to be in this world but not of it while ministering to those of it. Ephesians 4 :26 "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:" It's okay to be angry at something you find offensive but your reaction to that and your response to it is going to determine what kind of witness you bare. Jesus was spat upon but still prayed for those that persecuted Him. By turning away instead of turning the other cheek, you destroy your witness. Maybe next time you are offended by someone, place them at the top of your prayer list instead of turning away from them all together.
Food for thought!
God bless!
~M
Thursday, February 17, 2011
If you've ever been slapped in the face with grief or disappointment, this is for you!
So, a few months ago, a good friend recommended a book club to me. I'm sad to say that she moved away before I was able to make my first meeting. However, I've been to 2 meetings so far and read 3 of the books. I'm truly loving this time. One, it encourages me to get back into reading which is something I thought I'd never have time to do again because I always seemed to have a needy baby. LOL Though my babies seem to be growing up all too quickly, I'm noticing their independence has give me a little bit of my independence back as well and it is an amazing feeling. and 2, though I don't know any of the ladies in book club that well yet, I hope to get to know them better over time and develop friendships. ANYWAY, I said all that to say, this months book is a MUST read to ANYONE who has ever been slapped so hard in the face with grief, or disappointment, depression or an awful marriage, abusive relationships or has just ever felt alone at any point in your life. I think it's safe to say we've all been there at some point.
Now let me just tell you this....I haven't even completely finished chapter one and it spoke so loudly to me that I couldn't go to bed without begging you all to read this book. If you've ever caught yourself wondering if God really does exist and if He does, how can such awful things happen to you or to those you love or to any good person in general, you will want to read this book. As I read, I find myself saying, "I've said that before...I've thought that....WOW!!! That's profound!" I've never had a book captivate me so much within the first few pages. Not only has the book captured my attention because I've been where the writer is in my own life but she is an AMAZING writer and has ways of making you want to just keep reading. I would venture to say that if we didn't have a cable installation man coming to our home in the morning, I would probably stay up all night reading this book. It is called, "one thousand gift" and it's by Ann Voskamp. Yes it is in the religious section of your book store. If you don't consider yourself a religious person or a Christian or Spiritual at all, I still plead with you, if you enjoy reading, pick up this book. I'll even venture to bet you that in some way, it will impact your life!
I think one reason this book spoke to me so much was the feeling the author expressed when she was sharing her moments of grief and questioning God's existence. Though I don't want to ruin the book for you should you choose to accept this challenge, I do want to share a snippet of a part that really got my attention. It was when the author was going to comfort her sister in law and brother in law after the loss of their second child. Their boys didn't live past 5 months do to genetic defects. They buried 2 sons within a year and a half of each other. The author lost her sister at a young age and the impact of that loss and seeing her parents grief and turning away from God had her questioning if God really did exist. When she was in the hospital room she says to her brother in law who's second son is fading rapidly, (and I will continue with the portion I want to share as well as her quote. It all runs in together and it's the brother in law's response to her words that truly opened up my eyes and made me see things differently...or should I say, more clearly.) "If it were up to me..." and the the words pound, desperate and hard, "I'd write this story differently."
I regret the words as soon as they leave me. They seem so un-Christian, so unaccepting--so No, God! I wish I could take them back, comb out their tangled madness, dress them in their calm Sunday best. But there they are, released and naked, raw and real, stripped of any theological cliche', my exposed, serrated howl to the throne room.
"you know..." John's voice breaks into my memory and his gaze lingers, then turns again toward the waving wheat field. "Well, even with our boys...I don't know why that all happened." He shrugs again. "But do I have to?"...Who knows? I don't mention it often, but sometimes I think of that story in the Old Testament. Can't remember what book, but you know--when God gave King Hezekiah fifteen more years of life? Because he prayed for it? But if Hezekiah had died when God first intended, Manasseh would never have been born. And what does the Bible say about Manasseh? Something to the effect that Manasseh had led the Israelites to do even more evil than all the heathen nations around Israel. Think of all the evil that would have been avoided if Hezekiah had died earlier, before Manasseh was born. I am not saying anything, either way, about anything."
He's watching that sea of green rolling in winds. Then it comes slow, in a low, quiet voice that I have to strain to hear.
"Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."
WOW!!! That really made me stop and think. And I know the part that I just shared does have a lot about the Bible and God in it but that's OK....I hope it doesn't turn anyone away. After all this is about they Authors quest to discover for herself what she believes and how she feels about God. I have to say that the brother in laws response is not a response I would have given during my grief of losing my father. I was like the author. I wanted to know why?! If you ever watch movies about time travel, you probably know the one resounding rule that is explained in all time travel movies. DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!!! because if you change what has already happened or what is meant to happen, you change the entire ending to the story and we don't know that the changed ending would be any better than the current ending. This man wasn't saying that his boys would have been evil. He wasn't even saying that his boys offspring would have. He was simply stating that this ending, as awful as it appears now is for a reason and it's not always for us to know and that it certainly COULD be for the better. That is some amazing strength!! I'll not share anymore of the book with you at the moment. But I do plead with you to pick it up for yourself! It is truly magnificent!!!
Until I blog again~
Mary
Now let me just tell you this....I haven't even completely finished chapter one and it spoke so loudly to me that I couldn't go to bed without begging you all to read this book. If you've ever caught yourself wondering if God really does exist and if He does, how can such awful things happen to you or to those you love or to any good person in general, you will want to read this book. As I read, I find myself saying, "I've said that before...I've thought that....WOW!!! That's profound!" I've never had a book captivate me so much within the first few pages. Not only has the book captured my attention because I've been where the writer is in my own life but she is an AMAZING writer and has ways of making you want to just keep reading. I would venture to say that if we didn't have a cable installation man coming to our home in the morning, I would probably stay up all night reading this book. It is called, "one thousand gift" and it's by Ann Voskamp. Yes it is in the religious section of your book store. If you don't consider yourself a religious person or a Christian or Spiritual at all, I still plead with you, if you enjoy reading, pick up this book. I'll even venture to bet you that in some way, it will impact your life!
I think one reason this book spoke to me so much was the feeling the author expressed when she was sharing her moments of grief and questioning God's existence. Though I don't want to ruin the book for you should you choose to accept this challenge, I do want to share a snippet of a part that really got my attention. It was when the author was going to comfort her sister in law and brother in law after the loss of their second child. Their boys didn't live past 5 months do to genetic defects. They buried 2 sons within a year and a half of each other. The author lost her sister at a young age and the impact of that loss and seeing her parents grief and turning away from God had her questioning if God really did exist. When she was in the hospital room she says to her brother in law who's second son is fading rapidly, (and I will continue with the portion I want to share as well as her quote. It all runs in together and it's the brother in law's response to her words that truly opened up my eyes and made me see things differently...or should I say, more clearly.) "If it were up to me..." and the the words pound, desperate and hard, "I'd write this story differently."
I regret the words as soon as they leave me. They seem so un-Christian, so unaccepting--so No, God! I wish I could take them back, comb out their tangled madness, dress them in their calm Sunday best. But there they are, released and naked, raw and real, stripped of any theological cliche', my exposed, serrated howl to the throne room.
"you know..." John's voice breaks into my memory and his gaze lingers, then turns again toward the waving wheat field. "Well, even with our boys...I don't know why that all happened." He shrugs again. "But do I have to?"...Who knows? I don't mention it often, but sometimes I think of that story in the Old Testament. Can't remember what book, but you know--when God gave King Hezekiah fifteen more years of life? Because he prayed for it? But if Hezekiah had died when God first intended, Manasseh would never have been born. And what does the Bible say about Manasseh? Something to the effect that Manasseh had led the Israelites to do even more evil than all the heathen nations around Israel. Think of all the evil that would have been avoided if Hezekiah had died earlier, before Manasseh was born. I am not saying anything, either way, about anything."
He's watching that sea of green rolling in winds. Then it comes slow, in a low, quiet voice that I have to strain to hear.
"Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."
WOW!!! That really made me stop and think. And I know the part that I just shared does have a lot about the Bible and God in it but that's OK....I hope it doesn't turn anyone away. After all this is about they Authors quest to discover for herself what she believes and how she feels about God. I have to say that the brother in laws response is not a response I would have given during my grief of losing my father. I was like the author. I wanted to know why?! If you ever watch movies about time travel, you probably know the one resounding rule that is explained in all time travel movies. DO NOT CHANGE ANYTHING!!! because if you change what has already happened or what is meant to happen, you change the entire ending to the story and we don't know that the changed ending would be any better than the current ending. This man wasn't saying that his boys would have been evil. He wasn't even saying that his boys offspring would have. He was simply stating that this ending, as awful as it appears now is for a reason and it's not always for us to know and that it certainly COULD be for the better. That is some amazing strength!! I'll not share anymore of the book with you at the moment. But I do plead with you to pick it up for yourself! It is truly magnificent!!!
Until I blog again~
Mary
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
This is where I stand....where do you stand??
Something's been burning on my heart lately and I just thought blogging about it would be the best way to get what I'm feeling across to all those that are my friends and family. Whether it be that we were in grade school together or met in college, or Church, or met through friends. I've never been one who has been able to easily share my faith. As in leading someone to Christ. It's happened 3 times in my life. One of which was my oldest daughter and it was the most AMAZING feeling in the world. August 18th, 2010 will forever be engraved on my heart. I can't tell you the day I was saved because I was only 5 and I did so privately by my bedside. It was a private, intimate moment with my and my Savior.
As a child, I always had a very tender spirit. I longed to hear more about Jesus and what He did for us. My heart would break when I would watch reenactments of His crucifixion. It amazed me that He would love ME so much that He would choose to die for me. Not for the sins I had committed as I wasn't even born yet. But for the sins that I would one day commit. I mean, that is some kind of love!!! I was raised in a Christian home and my mom always had Christian broadcasting or Christian music playing. ( Thank you mom!!) And at 5 years old, if you gave me a choice to watch Sesame Street or a preacher on television, I would choose to watch the preacher (depending on who it was but I'll not comment on that one. LOL...I'll just say some seemed harsher than others and a tender spirit doesn't respond well to harshness). It was late one night. I was already in my pajamas. Mom was doing dishes. Dad was probably reading the paper and I imagine my brother was in his room and most likely my sister was either helping my mom with dishes or baby sitting. I was sitting down listening to a preacher (yes I remember well who it was but it makes no difference. I know many people who do not agree with this man but I can tell you that night, he was talking about the plan of salvation). When he was leading those in the audience and watching by television in the sinners prayer, I snuck off to my bedroom, knelt beside my bed, and asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure why I chose to do so privately. I think it's just because that is my personality. I felt it was between me and God and that it was MY decision to make so I did. I also thank my WONDERFUL Sunday School teachers for the role they played. My most memorable ones (when I was very young) would be Saundra Winn and Jerry Roberson Sr. Saundra had such a loving spirit about her. I don't think there was anyone she didn't love and little kids sense that. I just wanted to soak up all the Bible stories she told us. There are so many that played a role in my walk with Christ that if I took the time to name them all, this whole blog could become a novel.
My whole point is, that as we grow up, there are times we stray from what we are taught. We don't realize how detrimental that can be to others and their decision or lack of decision to accept Christ. We are to be a living example and there are times my example was not the best. There were times my little light wasn't shining so brightly and for that, I am sorry. It is because of that, that I can not let another night pass me by without letting everyone know that my faith and my trust and my hope lies solely in Christ. In Christ alone!! I am not a perfect example. I need to dig into my word more. I need to be a better leader to my babies but I pray that from this day forward, whatever I say, and whatever I do brings glory only to Christ!
Is being a Christian a bed of roses? Absolutely not. Is it a huge weight lifted off my shoulders? Without a doubt YES!!! My faith has been tried more than once and I pray that if I ever have to face the trial that Job and others in the Bible had to face that when I come out the other side, my light is burning brighter than ever and my hands are raised in praise and my fingers are pointing others to the cross because with HIM, I would not be here today. There are 2 trials in my life that I can think of off the top of my head that truly tried my faith. The first being the loss of my father. The actual loss of him wasn't as trying as when we first received the news that he had cancer and would have to under go surgery. At that point, I still had hope and faith but when the results came back after the surgery, that's when I faced the fire. As a sophomore in high school, I was told I would lose the person I loved most in this world. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart but there is something about a bond between a daddy and his little girl. I was a big time daddies girl. I went to work with him, I went to mechanics shop when he was getting a car tuned up or worked on, I went with him to run errands, it didn't matter where he was going, if I could, I went with him so to hear that this man that meant the world to me wouldn't be around to see me graduate, to walk me down the isle at my wedding, or to meet the grand babies I would once give him....that he wouldn't be there to hold me and wipe my tears when I got my heart broken or was in my first car wreck.....it shattered my heart into a million pieces. I became angry. I was a very angry and bitter teenager for a while. I even tried pulling myself away from him but anyone knows when your world is built around someone so much, you can't ever pull completely away. So, instead of focusing my anger at my dad, or my mom, or the Dr. or even cancer for that matter, I focused it at God. I cried, I begged, I pleaded and then I let Him (God) have it. How could you God? WHY MY DAD??? Why such a great man of God when there are murderers and rapists and child molesters out there?? How could you pull MY rock out from beneath ME?? If you truly loved me and my dad, you wouldn't let this happen?? Why not ME instead?? I can't bare to see him suffer. I can't watch my dad die.
If you notice in all of those last phrases in my screaming match at God, the words Me or I was in every one of them. I didn't notice at the time. How could I? I was angry. I felt alone, abandoned.....broken. This went on for several days. I stopped wanting to go to Church but if you knew my parents, you knew they made sure we were always at church....(again, Thanks mom!) So even when my mom was sitting by my dads side at the hospital, she made sure I was in Church. Most likely if I could see myself sitting on the pew, I probably had my arms crossed over my chest and a grimace on my face because after all, I was being a teenager. I was giving God the silent treatment. You know what is funny about that??? Just like parents keep talking when you tune them out...just like they follow you around trying to correct you when you are huffing and puffing and walking away, God does that with His children. I really don't know how much time lapsed but I remember I was driving home from my boyfriends house and felt God telling me to go to Church that night (it was a Sunday night) and go to the front and have the deacons and elders lay hands on me as I stood in for my dad. I did the normal teenager thing. "You want ME to do WHAT for you?? Are YOU serious?? I don't really think I can do that. After all you ARE God. You can heal my dad with or without me." It was at that moment I realized how much of a spoiled brat and a selfish little teenager I was being. This wasn't about me. It wasn't about me at all. It was about my OBEDIENCE! It was about my reaction to what was thrown at me. In that moment, I broke down bawling and squaling humbly before my creator." I'm not sure how I didn't have a wreck on my way home. My mom was still at the hospital with my dad and I was the only child left living at home so I was able to go home without having to explain to everyone why I looked like such a mess and why I was crying so hysterically. I went in, composed myself, got myself ready for Church and that night, I did what God asked me to do. At the end of the service, during the alter call, I went up and had my pastor and the deacons and elders of the Church lay hands on me and anoint me with oil. I felt that anger and bitterness fall off of me. The peace of God fell upon me like nothing I had ever felt before. I had come to terms that whatever happened to my father, it was in Gods hands and He had a purpose for it. Well, that cancer that was supposed to take my father in a matter of months, it didn't. In fact, all his tests kept coming back clean. No sign of cancer in his body. Was it because I obeyed God? Maybe, maybe not. I truly believe that was one of my life's tests. When the day was over and it was all said and done, where would my faith lye? I honestly believe my dad was given an extension on life for my sake. I feel it was for the sake of a few others as well but I know it was also for my sake. For me to realize not everything is about me and that even in sickness, God's light can shine bright. My daddy got to see me graduate and I was one happy graduate that night! :)
When I was 21, my daddy was once again diagnosed with cancer and this time, it was so bad, there was nothing the could do but try and keep him as comfortable as possible and let me tell you, there were times, that being comfortable was impossible. This time though, I never waivered. I never doubted that God was in control and whatever was meant to be is what would happen. I and many of the rest of the family knew it was his time to go before dad did. He faught the good fight and he finished his race and he touched so many lives during his time as a Christian. We was a great example and the best husband and father of any man I've seen. He was far from perfect but in a daughters eyes, she doesn't look for perfection she looks for humility. He wasn't ashamed to be seen crying. He wasn't afraid to ask forgiveness when he felt he had wronged someone and he took lifes trials and made them life lessons and for that, I'm so grateful, lucky, and blessed! Even in his passing, lives were touched.
Another one of my life's trials.....wow, tonight is a cleansing night and a healing night for me. It's a good thing tears don't fall on computer screens and smudge the "ink" or you wouldn't be able to read this. Especially my next trial because you see, one of the most important things to me ever in my life other than God and my parents was to become a mommy. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted 4 or 5 kids. Shoot, in my head, as a young girl, I'd have those 4 or 5 kids and was the most patient mommy (Obviously a day dream! haha) had a spotless house (another day dream lol) and had a yard full of cats, dogs, horses and who knows what else. Looking at that dream now, as an adult, I laugh. That would have been a true life fulfillment of the movie "Funny Farm". ANYWAY, my point is, my aspiration was to be a stay home mommy and a good one at that. When I met my husband and things began to get serious and we felt like this is it, we've found our soul mates (which happened rather quickly I might add...Met in May, engaged in July, and married in October of the same year). I'm sure there were rumors flying around that I was pregnant (which I was not ! LOL) Anyway, as things became serious and we began talking about making a life together, Jeremy told me that he was told he would most likely never have kids. At that time, I didn't know it but I had a disease working against me as well that typically affects the fertility of women. I hadn't been diagnosed at that time as it was very rarely diagnosed until more recent years. When he told me this, I maybe kind of laughed it off and thought well, if it doesn't happen, we can always adopt. Prior to meeting Jeremy, I would often pray that God would prepare my husband for me and I would have visions/dreams of who I was going to marry. I even told some people that his name would start with a J and that I "thought" in the dream it was Jeremy. I also felt God telling me I would be a mother. So shortly after we were married and the topic of kids came up again, Jeremy says, "well you know, the dr. told me I would probably not ever have kids." Keep in mind, he was married once before for 5 years and most of that entire time, they tried for children and were not successful, thus the trip to the dr. and the dr.'s findings. My response was always, "well you know GOD told ME we would have kids!" For most women in my family, fertility didn't seem to be an issue so I really thought this would not be a difficult task for us at all. Especially with God on my side but as we were approaching the 2 year mark of trying for our first child, I began to get discouraged. Several times in that 2 years I had false alarms. And several times I had given up. In fact, just prior to finding out we were pregnant with our first, I had had some adoption papers mailed to me. They were sitting on our computer desk. I decided we would give it one more shot at conceiving on our own. This may be a little to much info for some but I had even went to the store and bought an ovulation predictor kit. This particular one had a free pregnancy test in it. I decided what the heck! I might as well take this test first before trying out the kit. I've seen enough negatives another one isn't going to send me over the edge. I hadn't not in the least thought or even anticipated that I might already be pregnant. No signs, no symptoms, nothing to make me think it was even possible. In my mind, I was to the point of almost numbness about the whole thing. I'd seen probably 30 negative tests in the past almost 2 years that to me, it was just another test. Well much to my shock, amazement, and SURPRISE! It was positive. I had SO not expected that that I was shaking so badly I thought I was going to faint. I went RUNNING into our bedroom where Jeremy was sleeping (he was working nights and had to work that night so he was sleeping during the day), I pounced on the bed and with a quivering voice (because I was still shaking so badly) I told him, "you're going to be a daddy" He jumps up, but still doesn't believe it. Looks at the test and makes me go buy more. I buy a box with 2 in it. Both positive, he makes me take 2 more AND go have it confirmed at the dr. haha! So hope is once again restored.
We had only been living in Alabama a little over a year at this time so we weren't established at all. I was working as a waitress at pizza hut to help bring in some money until I could get a better job or until we could get moved to Dothan. A few weeks after finding out I was pregnant I noticed some things that were not normal. Cramping and bleeding (again, sorry for the TMI). I think to myself, oh no...this can't be happening. Then the situation with my dad comes to mind and I start praying. I call my mom and have her pray. I have Jeremy take me to the ER. We drive an hour to the ER because 1) the local hospital was not equipped for maternity anything. They don't even deliver babies there. and 2) I had been told that unless you want to die, do NOT go to the Eufaula hospital. HAHA! So needless to say, we drive an hour to Dothans ER. They do an US but I'm not quite far enough along to tell anything. They can tell I'm still pregnant but can't at that time detect a heartbeat and the fetus is measuring a little behind where it should have been. The ER dr. orders bed rests and prepares me to expect the worst. He wrote on my discharge papers and instructions that I was to be on bed rest do to threatened miscarriage. A newly pregnant woman, expecting her first child is filled with fear upon reading those words. I stay on my bed rest the required amount of time and things seem to be going smoothly once again. Including AWFUL morning, noon, and night sickness. Everything I ate came back up. The rest of the pregnancy goes along smoothly until....DELIVERY DAY!!
April 25th, we go to Jeremy's moms for dinner. I start not feeling very well while we are there. I had been having braxton hicks and early labor for months at that point so I dismissed it. As we go to leave, I had stomach cramps so badly I had to stop and wait for them to subside. I told Jeremy that night, "we'll be in the hospital tonight or tomorrow having a baby." He didn't really believe me at the time but on the ride home, my contractions became harder and time-able. He asks if I want to go to the hospital and I remembered from birthing classes that you should wait until they've been 2 minutes apart for at least 2 hours because 1st time labors are typically fairly long. I said no, go home and get some rest because I'll need you when it is time to go. He sleeps most of the night while I labor. Finally at 4 the next morning, I wake him up and tell him it's time. Contractions had been 2 minutes apart for over 3 hours. We go to the ER ( labor and delivery floor doesn't open until 6 for admittance so you have to go through the ER) They take me up for observation and I'm definitely having strong contractions but after 2 or so more hours, I'm still only at 2 cm dilated so they send me home. Long story short, I end up back there a couple hours later. Labor was LONG!!! from the time I started labor on the home the night before until they decided an emergency c-section was my only option, I had been laboring right at 24 hours. 17 of which was without any pain meds. I had to have an emergency c section because once I fully dilated, the midwives hadn't thought to check the position of the baby and they had me trying to push a transverse baby out. (she was laying side to side instead of up and down and her shoulder was presenting first) Her heart rate was over 300 which by that point, it was miracle she made it through and my blood pressure had dropped to 62/40 something and was still going down. The midwife FINALLY calls a Dr. in after I asked her if my baby would be ok with a heart rate that high. He takes her out in the hall with a stern order to get out there and we never see her again. They run me back to the OR and as soon as they start cutting, I start feeling it on my right side. Sharp intense pain. I can feel them cutting. I tell them this and the next thing I know, anesthesiologists (plural) were inserting meds into my IV simultaneously. I have no clue what it was but it worked. I started feeling groggy like I as going to pass out. I get to see my daughter born. She's healthy (thank God!) her first apgar score was little low because of color...after all she'd been through a traumatic experience) and then the last thing I remember was my mother in law coming into the OR (she's a nurse at that hospital) to check and see how things are going and she has this weird look on her face and then I black out. She later tells me that I had a bleeder that was shooting blood up to the ceiling. She didn't tell me this until we were home so I never got the full story from the attending dr. but needless to say, it was a traumatic experience.
By the time we start trying for baby #2, I have an OB I see regularly and have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) It's a hormone disorder and typically results in all sort of ovarian cysts, weight gain, and infertility. Because of my experience in how long it took to get pregnant the first time, after 6 months of trying on our own with no success, my dr. puts me on fertility drugs. They work almost immediately and withing about 6 weeks, I have a positive pregnancy test. Again, we are elated and call every body and tell them. Again, withing a few weeks, I start having complications. This time there is evidence of what appeared to be a miscarriage. I go in, see my dr. and to my excitement, my HCG numbers reflect I'm still having a normal pregnancy. I'm told to go home, take it easy and if anything else happens to come back in. I start experience cramps that remind me an awful lot of the night I went into labor with Olivia. I start to worry and again, there is physical evidence of a possible miscarriage. I call the dr., they tell me to come in. I should be right about 8 weeks along. The dr does blood work and sends me back for another sonogram after having prepared me for the worst but says at 8 weeks, if everything is normal, we should be able to see and hear a heartbeat by US as well as see the baby. We go back for the ultra sound and the technician gets started and the poor girl, you could tell something was worrying her but didn't know what. She does an external ultra sound first and then an internal ultra sound. For over 30 minutes that girl tried to find a heartbeat and a baby and some sort of good news but all she could see was an empty gestational sac. A perfect circle but it was also perfectly empty. I start sobbing. What did I do wrong, could I have done anything differently to prevent this. My dr. calls us back to his office. He gives us the diagnosis of a blighted ovum. Basically the gestational sac forms that protects and nourishes the baby but for whatever reason, a baby never develops. He'll go over my blood work, I'm to come back the next day to discuss the results and set up a D N C. (procedure to clean out anything remaining of the undeveloped pregnancy). I leave hopeless and distraught. A crying, grieving mess that didn't want to talk to anyone or have to answer anymore, "well, what the dr. say?" questions. We had left Olivia at our Churches daycare and I sent Jeremy in to get her because I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I get home, cry in my pillow for a while and call my mom. I tell here exactly what happens and what the dr. said and I knew my sister and others would want to know what the dr. said so I told mom, "You can call whoever you want but I'm not talking calls tonight. I do not want to have to explain this 200 times, it hurts to bad." I cry most of the night and finally drift off to sleep. I was in a little bit better state the next morning and able to pray about it and turn it over to God. I still didn't want to talk about it but I called mom before the appointment and she let me know she had been praying all night. We get to the dr.'s office and I don't know what it is but hope springs up inside of me and I put my hands on my belly and I start quoting these Bible verses, er 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I knew this baby had a great destiny if it was still within my womb and I started praying silently to myself. The next thing I know, the nurse is in the waiting room asking me if I'd be willing to have another ultra sound because my HCG levels were still increasing at a normal rate. I give a little nervous laugh and say of course. We go back for the us and within SECONDS the very same US tech says, "ummm....wait a minute! I think there is a heart beat" and sure enough, the most beautiful sound and the most beautiful heart rate shows up on the monitor. AND THEN! And then, my baby is there floating in my womb! Measuring at a perfect gestation for where I should be in my pregnancy. Again, another day of sobbing! My dr. comes storming into the room with a shocked but happy grin on his face and offers to go blow up a picture of himself to a large size so I can throw darts at it. I told him that wasn't necessary. He was only doing his job and my God did His! He heard my cries and He answered my prayers and the prayers of the biggest prayer warrior I know! My mom! The rest of the pregnancy goes without a hitch. I did end up with another c-section from failure to progress. I labor to 9 centimeters and then I never dilate anymore. So to avoid it becoming an emergency, they go ahead with a c-section.
Baby number 3 and final baby, pregnancy couldn't have gone any better and I was able to have her naturally so you see! I KNOW where my faith and trust and hope lies! It took some trial and these were only the biggest of my trials. There were others but these are the ones that made the most profound difference in my faith and my trust in the almighty God! The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, my great physician, counselor, prince of peace the, I AM!!!
If you ever catch me forgetting what amazing and wonderful things God has done for me in my life, I ask you to call me out on it. Hold me accountable. We all go through discouraging times but it's those times we need to look at where we came from and with God's help what we've overcome and count our blessings and CHOOSE to be blessed and to be happy. If you are on my friends list, YOU'VE impacted my life in some way whether it be a friend from elementary school, or Jr. high, or high school, or college or a former co-worker or MY FAMILY.... and I wouldn't not be able to sleep tonight...well, now it's this morning if i didn't know you knew what my God has brought me through and if He'll do it for me, I KNOW he'll do it for YOU!!! God is no respecter of persons. He doesn't care what you've done in the past...or in the last 5 minutes or in the last 5 seconds. He doesn't care how many joints you've smoked, people you've hurt, or lies you told, or the amount of money or items you've stolen! If you make the decision to ask Him into your heart and to be your Lord, your slate is wiped clean! You get a do over! His blood that was shed at Calvary was for you!! All you have to do is accept it! If I've ever failed any of you in being the example I'm supposed to be, I am SOOO sorry!!! and I pray you will forgive me. I promise to do better and I am here for everyone of you!! <3
~Mary
As a child, I always had a very tender spirit. I longed to hear more about Jesus and what He did for us. My heart would break when I would watch reenactments of His crucifixion. It amazed me that He would love ME so much that He would choose to die for me. Not for the sins I had committed as I wasn't even born yet. But for the sins that I would one day commit. I mean, that is some kind of love!!! I was raised in a Christian home and my mom always had Christian broadcasting or Christian music playing. ( Thank you mom!!) And at 5 years old, if you gave me a choice to watch Sesame Street or a preacher on television, I would choose to watch the preacher (depending on who it was but I'll not comment on that one. LOL...I'll just say some seemed harsher than others and a tender spirit doesn't respond well to harshness). It was late one night. I was already in my pajamas. Mom was doing dishes. Dad was probably reading the paper and I imagine my brother was in his room and most likely my sister was either helping my mom with dishes or baby sitting. I was sitting down listening to a preacher (yes I remember well who it was but it makes no difference. I know many people who do not agree with this man but I can tell you that night, he was talking about the plan of salvation). When he was leading those in the audience and watching by television in the sinners prayer, I snuck off to my bedroom, knelt beside my bed, and asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure why I chose to do so privately. I think it's just because that is my personality. I felt it was between me and God and that it was MY decision to make so I did. I also thank my WONDERFUL Sunday School teachers for the role they played. My most memorable ones (when I was very young) would be Saundra Winn and Jerry Roberson Sr. Saundra had such a loving spirit about her. I don't think there was anyone she didn't love and little kids sense that. I just wanted to soak up all the Bible stories she told us. There are so many that played a role in my walk with Christ that if I took the time to name them all, this whole blog could become a novel.
My whole point is, that as we grow up, there are times we stray from what we are taught. We don't realize how detrimental that can be to others and their decision or lack of decision to accept Christ. We are to be a living example and there are times my example was not the best. There were times my little light wasn't shining so brightly and for that, I am sorry. It is because of that, that I can not let another night pass me by without letting everyone know that my faith and my trust and my hope lies solely in Christ. In Christ alone!! I am not a perfect example. I need to dig into my word more. I need to be a better leader to my babies but I pray that from this day forward, whatever I say, and whatever I do brings glory only to Christ!
Is being a Christian a bed of roses? Absolutely not. Is it a huge weight lifted off my shoulders? Without a doubt YES!!! My faith has been tried more than once and I pray that if I ever have to face the trial that Job and others in the Bible had to face that when I come out the other side, my light is burning brighter than ever and my hands are raised in praise and my fingers are pointing others to the cross because with HIM, I would not be here today. There are 2 trials in my life that I can think of off the top of my head that truly tried my faith. The first being the loss of my father. The actual loss of him wasn't as trying as when we first received the news that he had cancer and would have to under go surgery. At that point, I still had hope and faith but when the results came back after the surgery, that's when I faced the fire. As a sophomore in high school, I was told I would lose the person I loved most in this world. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart but there is something about a bond between a daddy and his little girl. I was a big time daddies girl. I went to work with him, I went to mechanics shop when he was getting a car tuned up or worked on, I went with him to run errands, it didn't matter where he was going, if I could, I went with him so to hear that this man that meant the world to me wouldn't be around to see me graduate, to walk me down the isle at my wedding, or to meet the grand babies I would once give him....that he wouldn't be there to hold me and wipe my tears when I got my heart broken or was in my first car wreck.....it shattered my heart into a million pieces. I became angry. I was a very angry and bitter teenager for a while. I even tried pulling myself away from him but anyone knows when your world is built around someone so much, you can't ever pull completely away. So, instead of focusing my anger at my dad, or my mom, or the Dr. or even cancer for that matter, I focused it at God. I cried, I begged, I pleaded and then I let Him (God) have it. How could you God? WHY MY DAD??? Why such a great man of God when there are murderers and rapists and child molesters out there?? How could you pull MY rock out from beneath ME?? If you truly loved me and my dad, you wouldn't let this happen?? Why not ME instead?? I can't bare to see him suffer. I can't watch my dad die.
If you notice in all of those last phrases in my screaming match at God, the words Me or I was in every one of them. I didn't notice at the time. How could I? I was angry. I felt alone, abandoned.....broken. This went on for several days. I stopped wanting to go to Church but if you knew my parents, you knew they made sure we were always at church....(again, Thanks mom!) So even when my mom was sitting by my dads side at the hospital, she made sure I was in Church. Most likely if I could see myself sitting on the pew, I probably had my arms crossed over my chest and a grimace on my face because after all, I was being a teenager. I was giving God the silent treatment. You know what is funny about that??? Just like parents keep talking when you tune them out...just like they follow you around trying to correct you when you are huffing and puffing and walking away, God does that with His children. I really don't know how much time lapsed but I remember I was driving home from my boyfriends house and felt God telling me to go to Church that night (it was a Sunday night) and go to the front and have the deacons and elders lay hands on me as I stood in for my dad. I did the normal teenager thing. "You want ME to do WHAT for you?? Are YOU serious?? I don't really think I can do that. After all you ARE God. You can heal my dad with or without me." It was at that moment I realized how much of a spoiled brat and a selfish little teenager I was being. This wasn't about me. It wasn't about me at all. It was about my OBEDIENCE! It was about my reaction to what was thrown at me. In that moment, I broke down bawling and squaling humbly before my creator." I'm not sure how I didn't have a wreck on my way home. My mom was still at the hospital with my dad and I was the only child left living at home so I was able to go home without having to explain to everyone why I looked like such a mess and why I was crying so hysterically. I went in, composed myself, got myself ready for Church and that night, I did what God asked me to do. At the end of the service, during the alter call, I went up and had my pastor and the deacons and elders of the Church lay hands on me and anoint me with oil. I felt that anger and bitterness fall off of me. The peace of God fell upon me like nothing I had ever felt before. I had come to terms that whatever happened to my father, it was in Gods hands and He had a purpose for it. Well, that cancer that was supposed to take my father in a matter of months, it didn't. In fact, all his tests kept coming back clean. No sign of cancer in his body. Was it because I obeyed God? Maybe, maybe not. I truly believe that was one of my life's tests. When the day was over and it was all said and done, where would my faith lye? I honestly believe my dad was given an extension on life for my sake. I feel it was for the sake of a few others as well but I know it was also for my sake. For me to realize not everything is about me and that even in sickness, God's light can shine bright. My daddy got to see me graduate and I was one happy graduate that night! :)
When I was 21, my daddy was once again diagnosed with cancer and this time, it was so bad, there was nothing the could do but try and keep him as comfortable as possible and let me tell you, there were times, that being comfortable was impossible. This time though, I never waivered. I never doubted that God was in control and whatever was meant to be is what would happen. I and many of the rest of the family knew it was his time to go before dad did. He faught the good fight and he finished his race and he touched so many lives during his time as a Christian. We was a great example and the best husband and father of any man I've seen. He was far from perfect but in a daughters eyes, she doesn't look for perfection she looks for humility. He wasn't ashamed to be seen crying. He wasn't afraid to ask forgiveness when he felt he had wronged someone and he took lifes trials and made them life lessons and for that, I'm so grateful, lucky, and blessed! Even in his passing, lives were touched.
Another one of my life's trials.....wow, tonight is a cleansing night and a healing night for me. It's a good thing tears don't fall on computer screens and smudge the "ink" or you wouldn't be able to read this. Especially my next trial because you see, one of the most important things to me ever in my life other than God and my parents was to become a mommy. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted 4 or 5 kids. Shoot, in my head, as a young girl, I'd have those 4 or 5 kids and was the most patient mommy (Obviously a day dream! haha) had a spotless house (another day dream lol) and had a yard full of cats, dogs, horses and who knows what else. Looking at that dream now, as an adult, I laugh. That would have been a true life fulfillment of the movie "Funny Farm". ANYWAY, my point is, my aspiration was to be a stay home mommy and a good one at that. When I met my husband and things began to get serious and we felt like this is it, we've found our soul mates (which happened rather quickly I might add...Met in May, engaged in July, and married in October of the same year). I'm sure there were rumors flying around that I was pregnant (which I was not ! LOL) Anyway, as things became serious and we began talking about making a life together, Jeremy told me that he was told he would most likely never have kids. At that time, I didn't know it but I had a disease working against me as well that typically affects the fertility of women. I hadn't been diagnosed at that time as it was very rarely diagnosed until more recent years. When he told me this, I maybe kind of laughed it off and thought well, if it doesn't happen, we can always adopt. Prior to meeting Jeremy, I would often pray that God would prepare my husband for me and I would have visions/dreams of who I was going to marry. I even told some people that his name would start with a J and that I "thought" in the dream it was Jeremy. I also felt God telling me I would be a mother. So shortly after we were married and the topic of kids came up again, Jeremy says, "well you know, the dr. told me I would probably not ever have kids." Keep in mind, he was married once before for 5 years and most of that entire time, they tried for children and were not successful, thus the trip to the dr. and the dr.'s findings. My response was always, "well you know GOD told ME we would have kids!" For most women in my family, fertility didn't seem to be an issue so I really thought this would not be a difficult task for us at all. Especially with God on my side but as we were approaching the 2 year mark of trying for our first child, I began to get discouraged. Several times in that 2 years I had false alarms. And several times I had given up. In fact, just prior to finding out we were pregnant with our first, I had had some adoption papers mailed to me. They were sitting on our computer desk. I decided we would give it one more shot at conceiving on our own. This may be a little to much info for some but I had even went to the store and bought an ovulation predictor kit. This particular one had a free pregnancy test in it. I decided what the heck! I might as well take this test first before trying out the kit. I've seen enough negatives another one isn't going to send me over the edge. I hadn't not in the least thought or even anticipated that I might already be pregnant. No signs, no symptoms, nothing to make me think it was even possible. In my mind, I was to the point of almost numbness about the whole thing. I'd seen probably 30 negative tests in the past almost 2 years that to me, it was just another test. Well much to my shock, amazement, and SURPRISE! It was positive. I had SO not expected that that I was shaking so badly I thought I was going to faint. I went RUNNING into our bedroom where Jeremy was sleeping (he was working nights and had to work that night so he was sleeping during the day), I pounced on the bed and with a quivering voice (because I was still shaking so badly) I told him, "you're going to be a daddy" He jumps up, but still doesn't believe it. Looks at the test and makes me go buy more. I buy a box with 2 in it. Both positive, he makes me take 2 more AND go have it confirmed at the dr. haha! So hope is once again restored.
We had only been living in Alabama a little over a year at this time so we weren't established at all. I was working as a waitress at pizza hut to help bring in some money until I could get a better job or until we could get moved to Dothan. A few weeks after finding out I was pregnant I noticed some things that were not normal. Cramping and bleeding (again, sorry for the TMI). I think to myself, oh no...this can't be happening. Then the situation with my dad comes to mind and I start praying. I call my mom and have her pray. I have Jeremy take me to the ER. We drive an hour to the ER because 1) the local hospital was not equipped for maternity anything. They don't even deliver babies there. and 2) I had been told that unless you want to die, do NOT go to the Eufaula hospital. HAHA! So needless to say, we drive an hour to Dothans ER. They do an US but I'm not quite far enough along to tell anything. They can tell I'm still pregnant but can't at that time detect a heartbeat and the fetus is measuring a little behind where it should have been. The ER dr. orders bed rests and prepares me to expect the worst. He wrote on my discharge papers and instructions that I was to be on bed rest do to threatened miscarriage. A newly pregnant woman, expecting her first child is filled with fear upon reading those words. I stay on my bed rest the required amount of time and things seem to be going smoothly once again. Including AWFUL morning, noon, and night sickness. Everything I ate came back up. The rest of the pregnancy goes along smoothly until....DELIVERY DAY!!
April 25th, we go to Jeremy's moms for dinner. I start not feeling very well while we are there. I had been having braxton hicks and early labor for months at that point so I dismissed it. As we go to leave, I had stomach cramps so badly I had to stop and wait for them to subside. I told Jeremy that night, "we'll be in the hospital tonight or tomorrow having a baby." He didn't really believe me at the time but on the ride home, my contractions became harder and time-able. He asks if I want to go to the hospital and I remembered from birthing classes that you should wait until they've been 2 minutes apart for at least 2 hours because 1st time labors are typically fairly long. I said no, go home and get some rest because I'll need you when it is time to go. He sleeps most of the night while I labor. Finally at 4 the next morning, I wake him up and tell him it's time. Contractions had been 2 minutes apart for over 3 hours. We go to the ER ( labor and delivery floor doesn't open until 6 for admittance so you have to go through the ER) They take me up for observation and I'm definitely having strong contractions but after 2 or so more hours, I'm still only at 2 cm dilated so they send me home. Long story short, I end up back there a couple hours later. Labor was LONG!!! from the time I started labor on the home the night before until they decided an emergency c-section was my only option, I had been laboring right at 24 hours. 17 of which was without any pain meds. I had to have an emergency c section because once I fully dilated, the midwives hadn't thought to check the position of the baby and they had me trying to push a transverse baby out. (she was laying side to side instead of up and down and her shoulder was presenting first) Her heart rate was over 300 which by that point, it was miracle she made it through and my blood pressure had dropped to 62/40 something and was still going down. The midwife FINALLY calls a Dr. in after I asked her if my baby would be ok with a heart rate that high. He takes her out in the hall with a stern order to get out there and we never see her again. They run me back to the OR and as soon as they start cutting, I start feeling it on my right side. Sharp intense pain. I can feel them cutting. I tell them this and the next thing I know, anesthesiologists (plural) were inserting meds into my IV simultaneously. I have no clue what it was but it worked. I started feeling groggy like I as going to pass out. I get to see my daughter born. She's healthy (thank God!) her first apgar score was little low because of color...after all she'd been through a traumatic experience) and then the last thing I remember was my mother in law coming into the OR (she's a nurse at that hospital) to check and see how things are going and she has this weird look on her face and then I black out. She later tells me that I had a bleeder that was shooting blood up to the ceiling. She didn't tell me this until we were home so I never got the full story from the attending dr. but needless to say, it was a traumatic experience.
By the time we start trying for baby #2, I have an OB I see regularly and have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) It's a hormone disorder and typically results in all sort of ovarian cysts, weight gain, and infertility. Because of my experience in how long it took to get pregnant the first time, after 6 months of trying on our own with no success, my dr. puts me on fertility drugs. They work almost immediately and withing about 6 weeks, I have a positive pregnancy test. Again, we are elated and call every body and tell them. Again, withing a few weeks, I start having complications. This time there is evidence of what appeared to be a miscarriage. I go in, see my dr. and to my excitement, my HCG numbers reflect I'm still having a normal pregnancy. I'm told to go home, take it easy and if anything else happens to come back in. I start experience cramps that remind me an awful lot of the night I went into labor with Olivia. I start to worry and again, there is physical evidence of a possible miscarriage. I call the dr., they tell me to come in. I should be right about 8 weeks along. The dr does blood work and sends me back for another sonogram after having prepared me for the worst but says at 8 weeks, if everything is normal, we should be able to see and hear a heartbeat by US as well as see the baby. We go back for the ultra sound and the technician gets started and the poor girl, you could tell something was worrying her but didn't know what. She does an external ultra sound first and then an internal ultra sound. For over 30 minutes that girl tried to find a heartbeat and a baby and some sort of good news but all she could see was an empty gestational sac. A perfect circle but it was also perfectly empty. I start sobbing. What did I do wrong, could I have done anything differently to prevent this. My dr. calls us back to his office. He gives us the diagnosis of a blighted ovum. Basically the gestational sac forms that protects and nourishes the baby but for whatever reason, a baby never develops. He'll go over my blood work, I'm to come back the next day to discuss the results and set up a D N C. (procedure to clean out anything remaining of the undeveloped pregnancy). I leave hopeless and distraught. A crying, grieving mess that didn't want to talk to anyone or have to answer anymore, "well, what the dr. say?" questions. We had left Olivia at our Churches daycare and I sent Jeremy in to get her because I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I get home, cry in my pillow for a while and call my mom. I tell here exactly what happens and what the dr. said and I knew my sister and others would want to know what the dr. said so I told mom, "You can call whoever you want but I'm not talking calls tonight. I do not want to have to explain this 200 times, it hurts to bad." I cry most of the night and finally drift off to sleep. I was in a little bit better state the next morning and able to pray about it and turn it over to God. I still didn't want to talk about it but I called mom before the appointment and she let me know she had been praying all night. We get to the dr.'s office and I don't know what it is but hope springs up inside of me and I put my hands on my belly and I start quoting these Bible verses, er 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." I knew this baby had a great destiny if it was still within my womb and I started praying silently to myself. The next thing I know, the nurse is in the waiting room asking me if I'd be willing to have another ultra sound because my HCG levels were still increasing at a normal rate. I give a little nervous laugh and say of course. We go back for the us and within SECONDS the very same US tech says, "ummm....wait a minute! I think there is a heart beat" and sure enough, the most beautiful sound and the most beautiful heart rate shows up on the monitor. AND THEN! And then, my baby is there floating in my womb! Measuring at a perfect gestation for where I should be in my pregnancy. Again, another day of sobbing! My dr. comes storming into the room with a shocked but happy grin on his face and offers to go blow up a picture of himself to a large size so I can throw darts at it. I told him that wasn't necessary. He was only doing his job and my God did His! He heard my cries and He answered my prayers and the prayers of the biggest prayer warrior I know! My mom! The rest of the pregnancy goes without a hitch. I did end up with another c-section from failure to progress. I labor to 9 centimeters and then I never dilate anymore. So to avoid it becoming an emergency, they go ahead with a c-section.
Baby number 3 and final baby, pregnancy couldn't have gone any better and I was able to have her naturally so you see! I KNOW where my faith and trust and hope lies! It took some trial and these were only the biggest of my trials. There were others but these are the ones that made the most profound difference in my faith and my trust in the almighty God! The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, my great physician, counselor, prince of peace the, I AM!!!
If you ever catch me forgetting what amazing and wonderful things God has done for me in my life, I ask you to call me out on it. Hold me accountable. We all go through discouraging times but it's those times we need to look at where we came from and with God's help what we've overcome and count our blessings and CHOOSE to be blessed and to be happy. If you are on my friends list, YOU'VE impacted my life in some way whether it be a friend from elementary school, or Jr. high, or high school, or college or a former co-worker or MY FAMILY.... and I wouldn't not be able to sleep tonight...well, now it's this morning if i didn't know you knew what my God has brought me through and if He'll do it for me, I KNOW he'll do it for YOU!!! God is no respecter of persons. He doesn't care what you've done in the past...or in the last 5 minutes or in the last 5 seconds. He doesn't care how many joints you've smoked, people you've hurt, or lies you told, or the amount of money or items you've stolen! If you make the decision to ask Him into your heart and to be your Lord, your slate is wiped clean! You get a do over! His blood that was shed at Calvary was for you!! All you have to do is accept it! If I've ever failed any of you in being the example I'm supposed to be, I am SOOO sorry!!! and I pray you will forgive me. I promise to do better and I am here for everyone of you!! <3
~Mary
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"Emptiness" A poem dealing with grief
I was going through some stuff today and came across a poem I wrote a little less than a month and a half after losing my father. I was 21 at the time and I think this pretty well describes what it is like to feel and go through grief.
"Emptiness"
I wake up in the morning hoping to hear you
snoring in your bed.
I peak into your room and I find
emptiness instead.
I go about my day dreaming of returning
to your smiling face
I hurry through the door but now
emptiness fills your space.
I wander to the yard thinking you'll be there
working with your wood.
But as I approach your table saw, emptiness
is there where you once stood.
I try to run him off. I try to
make him go.
But emptiness is everywhere. Oh how
he hurts me so.
Right before I go to bed, I go to tell
you I love you.
But emptiness is there. It seems
there's nothing I can do.
Dad, I miss you SO much! I wish
you could come home.
But I know you are in no more pain
and on streets of gold you roam.
But dad, I ask one favor. I plead to you
with all my heart.
Could you ask Jesus to get rid of emptiness?
He's tearing me apart.
I go through ever day. The pain and hurt
I hide.
But there is something people can't see.
Emptiness is by my side.
He brings back all the memories. The good
ones and the bad.
All the fun times that we shared. And all
the times that I was sad.
All the fun camping trips, and all the
wonderful things you said.
But then he reminds me of all the months
you lay suffering in the bed.
Of all the terrible pain you went through
each and every day
And no matter what we did, nothing could
take it away.
Dad, I wanted you here for all the
the things that I went through.
To walk me down the isle. And to see the
grand kids I'll give to you.
Dad, you were the greatest man that I've
ever met!
And I pray the example you set for me, for
my kids I too can set.
So as you're looking down upon me from
heaven up above,
Send a few angels to walk beside me and
help me feel your love.
I say goodbye for now, but not forever
we shall see each other again.
Then emptiness will be gone for good.
I'll never be tormented again!
~Mary Thompson 12/01/1998
I still miss him more every day!! Most days now, I've learned to tune emptiness out. That part DOES get better but the missing him never does. I miss him more with every passing day.
"Emptiness"
I wake up in the morning hoping to hear you
snoring in your bed.
I peak into your room and I find
emptiness instead.
I go about my day dreaming of returning
to your smiling face
I hurry through the door but now
emptiness fills your space.
I wander to the yard thinking you'll be there
working with your wood.
But as I approach your table saw, emptiness
is there where you once stood.
I try to run him off. I try to
make him go.
But emptiness is everywhere. Oh how
he hurts me so.
Right before I go to bed, I go to tell
you I love you.
But emptiness is there. It seems
there's nothing I can do.
Dad, I miss you SO much! I wish
you could come home.
But I know you are in no more pain
and on streets of gold you roam.
But dad, I ask one favor. I plead to you
with all my heart.
Could you ask Jesus to get rid of emptiness?
He's tearing me apart.
I go through ever day. The pain and hurt
I hide.
But there is something people can't see.
Emptiness is by my side.
He brings back all the memories. The good
ones and the bad.
All the fun times that we shared. And all
the times that I was sad.
All the fun camping trips, and all the
wonderful things you said.
But then he reminds me of all the months
you lay suffering in the bed.
Of all the terrible pain you went through
each and every day
And no matter what we did, nothing could
take it away.
Dad, I wanted you here for all the
the things that I went through.
To walk me down the isle. And to see the
grand kids I'll give to you.
Dad, you were the greatest man that I've
ever met!
And I pray the example you set for me, for
my kids I too can set.
So as you're looking down upon me from
heaven up above,
Send a few angels to walk beside me and
help me feel your love.
I say goodbye for now, but not forever
we shall see each other again.
Then emptiness will be gone for good.
I'll never be tormented again!
~Mary Thompson 12/01/1998
I still miss him more every day!! Most days now, I've learned to tune emptiness out. That part DOES get better but the missing him never does. I miss him more with every passing day.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Is phyiscal health tied to your Spiritual well being?
What brought me to this revelation or thought process you ask? If you've followed any of my previous posts, you know I've suffered a long time from a disease called PCOS. This disease makes it difficult if not impossible to lose weight. You've read that I've tried every diet known to man and have recently started a quest towards healthier and natural living. (in short, I've become a Vegantarion.) Yes I purposely misspelled that. As far as eating goes, I would be considered vegan. No meat, fish, dairy, eggs or anything made with any of the above. HOWEVER, I don't not begrudge anyone who chooses to kill a cow because they like steak and burgers. That would be the big identifying differences. True vegans do not approve of animals/animal prodcuts being used for anything....which would include milk in lotion, leather for jackets, and boots an belts. I truely believe as long as you are making good use of the animal, who am I to tell you what to do. Not to mention, my favorite jacket of all is my black leather jacket hanging in my closet. However, vegetarians do eat some dairy and eggs. So, since I'm somewhere in the middle, I've labeled myself a vegantarian. LOL
Anyway, since eating all healthy foods, I've noticed a subtle change in my priorities and my spiritual walk. It's like the temple is cleaned out now and is looking to replace the junk with good stuff. I do still need to work on time management. That's always been a problem of mine but here lately, I've found myself wanting more of God. I've been in a stagnant place for so long though that I'm having a hard time getting my engine running. I'm having to do a tune up on myself. Spending more "quality" time with the kids is becoming more important to me. Reading Christ based books and listening to Christian music is becoming a bigger priority. I just feel that as the junk is being weeded out, my spirit is thirsting for something bigger and better. You know that feeling you get in your mouth when you are so thirsty and nothing can quench it. You search and you search for just the right drink and just the right amount but you aren't satisfied until you've found that right thing and that right amount? That is my spirit man at this moment.
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