The first blog I've posted about my children was about Madison. This one is about Caleb and really dear to my heart. Please read below to find out about my precious Caleb.
"servant of the Lord" is the meaning of Caleb
.
There is a man that was dear to our family. He used to do Bible studies and Prayer meetings in our home but he also lead a revival at Bethel. He once told me that if I had dreams with snakes or serpents in them to start praying over them and pleading the blood over them because it's often times a sign that someone is trying to use witch craft against you or curse you. Last week I had a dream I was at a park at night with the kids which is in and of itself odd but anyway, I was talking to someone and Caleb (my 5 year old) climbed up the slide. It had a tunnel over it. He started screaming and came running down the slide. He had a bite mark on his cheek that had 2 holes in it. I looked up in there and there was a snake up in there. I woke up after that but I started praying over Caleb. I don't know if you ever heard the story of what I went through when I was carrying him but satan really tried to keep him from entering this world.
A couple of different times when I was carrying Caleb, I had symptoms of a miscarriage. From the excruciating pain all the way to the visible signs. The last time it happened, my Dr. sent me back for an ultra sound. I should have been about 8 weeks. The tech starts the US and can not pick up a heart beat or see a baby. She does an internal US and same results. She tried for 30 minutes to try and detect a hint of a heartbeat or see any signs of a baby and could not. I could tell it didn't look good. My Dr. calls me into his office instead of back to the exam room so naturally my heart sank to my shoes. Jeremy was there with me and the Dr. said, it appears you've lost the baby but the sack is still there. So we need to talk about scheduling you for a D&C to clean out what remains in there. He said, we drew blood when you came in and the results will be back in the morning and from what I'm seeing, your HCG levels should be dropping back down now. Come back in tomorrow and we'll go over you blood work and get your D&C scheduled. That night I'm so upset I can't think straight. I called my mom sobbing and told her what was going on and told her, you can tell the family if you want but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to repeat this story over and over. I need to deal with it myself and I just can't talk to anyone about it right now. Tell everyone I'm sorry but I will not be answering my phone tonight. Jeremy held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke up in a better mood but still down. About halfway through the morning I felt led t start quoting scriptures over my belly. I would quote ""Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
and the one that says "Ye are the righteousness of God in Christ" only I would say "Caleb is the righteousness of God in Christ. He was formed in God's image and has a purpose. He shall live and not die."
Psalm 118:7 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done. only I would say, "Caleb will not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has done." I would keep repeating these verses and prayers over my belly throughout the day. We get to the Dr.s office and my Dr.'s nurse pokes her head out and says, "would you mind repeating the US? Your HCG levels are still increasing." I have a nervous laugh and say of course I don't mind. So again, the Dr. calls us back to his office and says, I just want to dot my i's and cross my t's. I don't want to schedule you for this procedure without 100% certainty of what I feel has happened and these numbers have put a little doubt in my mind. It still doesn't look good based on the US but I could not sleep at night if I wasn't 100% certain. I go back for the US and could see the tech was not looking forward to this session. I imagine it's difficult giving expectant moms gloomy news and having to be the "definitive" answer. I lay down on the table and less than 3 seconds she says, " Um...wait a minute....is that?....I have a heartbeat!" I started crying hysterically and she's trying to calm me down so she can continue. A couple more swipes over my tummy and there he is. Measuring at the perfect gestation just floating around in there and seeing that little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I knew he was called and destined to be here.
This was my 1'st experience with the devil trying to take his life. The next time, I was at a used car lot looking at vehicles. We had a small car and was fine for the 3 of us but Caleb was a couple months from being due and we would need more space. For some reason, Jeremy took the car to work so that left me with his old Ford pick up. I had dropped Olivia off at the day care and went to the Lemon Lot to look at what was available. It was early in the morning and no one was out there. I pulled up Really close to the cars on the lot. The Truck was facing East to West and the cars on the lot were facing North and South so the Truck and the van I was looking at formed a T. I put the truck in park and stepped out. I left the drivers side door open so I could just get back in really quickly. Well, I'm checking the van out and make my way to the front of it to read what the sign in the window says and the truck slips into reverse on it's own. It pins me between the truck door ( the tip of the door is pushing in on my belly) and the front end of the van. It was squeezing on both sides of my belly. The door of the truck on one side and the side of the van on the other. All kinds of gruesome scenes play through my mind and then I gain my wits and somehow am able to pull my belly out and my knee gets pinned instead. I yank my knee out and run around to the passenger side and slide in to move the truck forward thinking it's going to keep going and squish all the vehicles into each other. I stopped the catastrophe from happening and drove myself to the hospital. Very shaken up. They were more worried about my knee and I was more worried about Caleb. They hook me up to monitors and he's just fine.
THEN, after he was born, his PKU test came back abnormal. They repeated it 2 or 3 more times and again they came back abnormal and we are sent to the Children's hospital in Birmingham. They explain to me they are testing him for a condition that is commonly referred to as "wasting disease" or Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. Basically, the body can not process the salt it makes and causes the baby to dehydrate and die. It's very common in Jews (my husband is half Jewish) but typically, unless both parents are carriers, the baby is only a carrier but the fact the he had failed 4 PKU tests concerned them. I had to carry my baby into this cold sterile room and watch them try to insert an IV into him. His veins are so tiny that it's not working so they stick the bottom of his foot and SQUEEZE 2 vials of blood from his little foot. He screamed, I cried...then they tell me they would have to repeat the test 2 hours later. I guess they inject something into them to see how the babies body responds and if it processes it properly. So the second time, I hand him off to Jeremy and told him he had to take him back, I couldn't watch them do that to him again. Well, long story short, test came back fine and he is just a carrier of this condition.
Then, when he was 3, a friend and I had gotten together and taken our kids to our Church's Fall festival. Our Church is REALLY big on ministering to the kids of the inner city here so there are a lot of families from what they call "the bottom". That show up that night. Madi was a baby and was crying and I bent down to give her her paci and looked back and he was gone. Again, my heart dropped to my shoes. My friend stayed in the lobby with my girls and her boys as I walked around the fellowship Center crammed pack of people and kids in costumes. All I could do was pray that a predator did not see an opportunity and take advantage of it. I had told the kids if for any reason they got separated from me to find some one they knew and trusted and just stay put. After about 15 minutes ( that felt like 15 hours), I found him at the Sr. Citizens booth. I've never been so relieved.
I said all that to say that I know he has a purpose and a calling on his life. I feel like he is attacked more than any of my other children were or are. He has the most tender spirit toward things of God and things having to do with forgiveness. We watched the Grace Card as a family and at the end he BAWLED!!!! I asked him what was wrong because I didn't think as young as he was that he could really comprehend what was taking place in the movie. "He says, I'm happy and sad." I said why are you happy AND sad? He says, "I'm sad that the man lost his child but I'm happy that the daddy forgave that man. He didn't have to do that. That was really nice of him." Naturally, I lost it and started praying that God would guard and protect that side of him. That he would always be sensitive to the things of the Spirit. SO, when I had that dream, I woke up and started praying over him immediately. I don't know who or what would want to attack him but this momma plans on being vigilant and will not back down from praying a hedge of protection over him.
I love my little man so much! He and his sister are an extension of my heart walking around and growing on the outside of me. Whatever God has in store for him, I know it's something great!!
Friday, February 3, 2012
How does God speak to you?
Have you ever wondered if God speaks to you and if He did how would you know and would you hear Him? I used to wonder that as well until I truly experienced hearing His voice. Usually in the form of dreams but there have been times that I have been wide awake and it was if He were sitting next to me carrying on a conversation with me. I couldn't see Him but I could sure feel His presence and hear Him.
It was prophesied over me once that I would see things in the spiritual realm. I didn't really comprehend what that meant at first or know how I felt about it but as I get older and see more and have more stirrings within my spirit, I'm starting to understand it.
More and more as the years go by, I'm having spiritual dreams and inclinations to stop what I'm doing and pray about something. One dream I had, I was told to write it down. I did not because I can never forget this dream. Sure I may forget small details but the gist of the dream is unforgettable to me.
In this dream, I owned and ran an orphanage. The children within it were like my own. I loved them dearly. One day while talking with another adult, I had one of the babies with me. He couldn't have been any more than 1 1/2. He was running around my feet as I was talking. Suddenly the earth opened up and a beast appeared from a fiery hole in the ground and had fire flaming from his mouth. I remember I immediately went into prayer mode....I knew I was up against spiritual warfare. I asked the beast, or serpent if you will what he had come for. He pointed to the precious baby at my feet. I said it is not possible! Why would you take him. He is not yet at the age of accountability and can not make that decision for himself. The serpent did not answer and spoke no more the rest of the time he was there. The life of this child became a spiritual tug of war. The serpent would tug and I would pray harder. I could see the spears of my prayers were hindering him. I prayed harder. This tugging felt like it went on forever. Finally the serpent went back into the hole in which he had come from. I looked at the child at my feet and he was covered in burns. It was then I awakened from my sleep. I was disturbed beyond measure. I kept praying and asking God, how could satan wage war on the life of an infant who is yet beyond understand of the things of God. Who can not yet grasp salvation and forgiveness. How was it even possible. Some time went by and I could not get this dream out of my head. I ran into the man who had prophesied over me that I would see things of the spirit. He listened intently to me replay my dream for him and then I finished with, "But I do not understand how this can be...he was but a child!" This man stopped and prayed with me and then says, "What you were seeing was the battle of a baby Christian. The baby in the dream was representative of a new Christian, not a true physical infant. You will be the mother of many. A spiritual mentor and will be waging spiritual war for the souls of those you come in contact with." At that moment, it did all make sense.
Not long after that, I had been with a group from my Church on a mission trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. We spent much of our time ministering to the homeless youth. They called themselves "gutter punks". The majority of them had been brought up in Christian homes. Some were P.K.'s (pastors kids) who turned from the faith because of the hypocrisy they saw at home and at church. Though we made a lot of progress there, the one I'll never forget....I never could get his name. It was so loud where we were that it was amazing we could even understand each other at all but me and 2 others saw this guy all alone on Bourbon Street. I don't know if you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans but it's very difficult to "be alone" on Bourbon Street. LOL The street is literally packed like a can of sardines and you have to inch your way down it. Anyway, he stood out to us and we made our way to him. He entered into a little pub and we followed him in. You could see sadness and fear and depression all over his face. When we approached him and asked if we could pray with him, you could see a really small glimmer of hope in his eyes. He allowed us to and then we got to talking to him. More like hollering because like I said, it was REALLY loud! He started asking question and by the time we were done, we were able to lead him in the prayer of salvation. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. You could see it all melt away...the pain, the fear, the depression. He even sat his drink down and left it behind and followed us out of the bar. We were able to get him the names of some places around that could help him and get him started on the right path but you could see this was going to be a struggle for him. The bad thing about those trips is that in situations like that, you usually have to leave the person without any contact info because of the situation. All we had were our memories to rely and some really loud streets and a bar to contend with. All we could do was to remember him in prayer and pray that someone would come along and continue to help him in his walk with Christ. As I returned home from that trip, my dream came to mind....this young man could have very well been the "baby" in my dream and it led me to pray for him even more over the next few months.
Last night was not without dream either.
Matthew 5:12 New Living Translation (©2007)
Be exceeding glad - Αγαλλιασθε, leap for joy. There are several cases on record, where this was literally done by the martyrs, in Queen Mary's days.
Great is your reward in heaven - In the Talmudical tract Pirkey Aboth, are these words: "Rabbi Tarpon said, The day is short: the work is great: the laborers are slow: the Reward Is Great: and the father of the family is urgent."
The followers of Christ are encouraged to suffer joyfully on two considerations.
1. They are thereby conformed to the prophets who went before.
2. Their reward in heaven is a great one.
God gives the grace to suffer, and then crowns that grace with glory; hence it is plain, the reward is not of debt, but of grace: Romans 6:23.
It was prophesied over me once that I would see things in the spiritual realm. I didn't really comprehend what that meant at first or know how I felt about it but as I get older and see more and have more stirrings within my spirit, I'm starting to understand it.
More and more as the years go by, I'm having spiritual dreams and inclinations to stop what I'm doing and pray about something. One dream I had, I was told to write it down. I did not because I can never forget this dream. Sure I may forget small details but the gist of the dream is unforgettable to me.
In this dream, I owned and ran an orphanage. The children within it were like my own. I loved them dearly. One day while talking with another adult, I had one of the babies with me. He couldn't have been any more than 1 1/2. He was running around my feet as I was talking. Suddenly the earth opened up and a beast appeared from a fiery hole in the ground and had fire flaming from his mouth. I remember I immediately went into prayer mode....I knew I was up against spiritual warfare. I asked the beast, or serpent if you will what he had come for. He pointed to the precious baby at my feet. I said it is not possible! Why would you take him. He is not yet at the age of accountability and can not make that decision for himself. The serpent did not answer and spoke no more the rest of the time he was there. The life of this child became a spiritual tug of war. The serpent would tug and I would pray harder. I could see the spears of my prayers were hindering him. I prayed harder. This tugging felt like it went on forever. Finally the serpent went back into the hole in which he had come from. I looked at the child at my feet and he was covered in burns. It was then I awakened from my sleep. I was disturbed beyond measure. I kept praying and asking God, how could satan wage war on the life of an infant who is yet beyond understand of the things of God. Who can not yet grasp salvation and forgiveness. How was it even possible. Some time went by and I could not get this dream out of my head. I ran into the man who had prophesied over me that I would see things of the spirit. He listened intently to me replay my dream for him and then I finished with, "But I do not understand how this can be...he was but a child!" This man stopped and prayed with me and then says, "What you were seeing was the battle of a baby Christian. The baby in the dream was representative of a new Christian, not a true physical infant. You will be the mother of many. A spiritual mentor and will be waging spiritual war for the souls of those you come in contact with." At that moment, it did all make sense.
Not long after that, I had been with a group from my Church on a mission trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. We spent much of our time ministering to the homeless youth. They called themselves "gutter punks". The majority of them had been brought up in Christian homes. Some were P.K.'s (pastors kids) who turned from the faith because of the hypocrisy they saw at home and at church. Though we made a lot of progress there, the one I'll never forget....I never could get his name. It was so loud where we were that it was amazing we could even understand each other at all but me and 2 others saw this guy all alone on Bourbon Street. I don't know if you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans but it's very difficult to "be alone" on Bourbon Street. LOL The street is literally packed like a can of sardines and you have to inch your way down it. Anyway, he stood out to us and we made our way to him. He entered into a little pub and we followed him in. You could see sadness and fear and depression all over his face. When we approached him and asked if we could pray with him, you could see a really small glimmer of hope in his eyes. He allowed us to and then we got to talking to him. More like hollering because like I said, it was REALLY loud! He started asking question and by the time we were done, we were able to lead him in the prayer of salvation. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. You could see it all melt away...the pain, the fear, the depression. He even sat his drink down and left it behind and followed us out of the bar. We were able to get him the names of some places around that could help him and get him started on the right path but you could see this was going to be a struggle for him. The bad thing about those trips is that in situations like that, you usually have to leave the person without any contact info because of the situation. All we had were our memories to rely and some really loud streets and a bar to contend with. All we could do was to remember him in prayer and pray that someone would come along and continue to help him in his walk with Christ. As I returned home from that trip, my dream came to mind....this young man could have very well been the "baby" in my dream and it led me to pray for him even more over the next few months.
Last night was not without dream either.
Matthew 5:12 New Living Translation (©2007)
Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way.
Clarke's Commentary on the Bible
Rejoice - In the testimony of a good conscience; for, without this, suffering has nothing but misery in it.Be exceeding glad - Αγαλλιασθε, leap for joy. There are several cases on record, where this was literally done by the martyrs, in Queen Mary's days.
Great is your reward in heaven - In the Talmudical tract Pirkey Aboth, are these words: "Rabbi Tarpon said, The day is short: the work is great: the laborers are slow: the Reward Is Great: and the father of the family is urgent."
The followers of Christ are encouraged to suffer joyfully on two considerations.
1. They are thereby conformed to the prophets who went before.
2. Their reward in heaven is a great one.
God gives the grace to suffer, and then crowns that grace with glory; hence it is plain, the reward is not of debt, but of grace: Romans 6:23.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Insomnia-what it's like and why YOUR solution does not work!
So, I saw a facebook book post that made me decide to write about this topic. I am one of the unfortunate many that suffers with insomnia. Yes I said suffer. My husband and many others think the solution is as simple as shutting everything down and climbing into bed.....IF ONLY it were that easy.
There are medical conditions to which insomnia is a side effect. 2 of these conditions I just happened to have been diagnosed with. I don't know if that gives me a double whammy of insomnia or what's going on but it seems to get worse as the months go by. There are a few days in which sleep comes easily...a few days a year! I LOVE those days.
"The Simple Solution".....or IS it??
My husband, a long with many other annoyed, or non sympathetic, or unable to understand or (insert whatever feeling someones spouse may have about their other half not sleeping) seem to think it's as simple as turning off the TV or the computer or putting down the book and climbing into bed and closing your eyes....IF ONLY!!!!!
Here is what happens when we do that.
<dialogue in our mind> "Hmmm, that place in my back really hurts tonight. I should probably call the Dr. and let them know the pain I've been having and not getting answers regarding for the past 3 years didn't magically disappear....it's still very much there. When was it this pain started? Oh yeah, nearly 3 years ago now. Along with so many other symptoms that have no answers. When did all these symptoms start? Seems to me it was after I had our first kid. That first kid we weren't supposed to be able to have. We tried for nearly 2 years before getting blessed with her....Well, some days feel more like a blessing than others. I'll sure be glad when she gets over this not paying attention phase. I'm not sure where she get's her OCD from. It seems to be a recessive gene. It hit my sister as well but Olivia is MY daughter, not my sisters so how did it jump from her to my daughter? I wonder what my sister is doing. I sure wish she would call more often. It's almost like I've fallen off the face of the Earth and she's forgotten about me. Oh yeah, that reminds me of what I forgot. I need to add milk to the grocery list. Speaking of groceries, I wonder what I should make for dinner tomorrow. We are out of ground beef but there is some shrimp, some chicken breast, and some Talapia in the freezer. Speaking of breasts, mine sure do hurt right now. But that all goes back to my medical issues. My body makes cysts for the fun of it and they are so painful. Speaking of fun, I need to think of something fun to do this weekend as a family. Speaking of family and weekend, I can't forget I have a photo shoot this Saturday at 3:30. Hmmm....I wonder who else I can hit up to buy some girl scout cookies. I sure do miss being back home with family. God, it sure would be nice if you would drop a house, and a job out of the sky for my husband so we can move back home. Speaking of back home. I sure do miss my grandparents. I wonder how they are doing. I'm afraid they won't be around to much longer. They sure are getting tired and slowing way down. I just pray I get to see them a couple more times before something happens to them. I sure do miss my daddy. I wonder if he is Heaven's chef. That man sure loved some food! He loved to make it too! Sometimes I feel like he's standing over my shoulder telling me what to put in my dishes and they almost always come out perfect! I wish my kids would have had a chance to meet him. Speaking of kids, I have GOT to make them clean their rooms tomorrow and if they don't, ALL their toy's are going to Goodwill. But, we know that will never happen. Too much money has been spent on those toys and we can't afford to replace them. Man! Is it hot in here or is it just me? I don't mean that in a haha way, I'm REALLY sweating bullets here. I sure hope I'm not going through the change!....Oh, look at the time. I've been laying here with my mind wandering for an hour now. I sure wish it had an off button. Dangit! I need to go to the bathroom......is it just me or is it cold in here? How can it feel like it dropped 20 degrees in the past 5 minutes. I wonder if he messed with the thermostat. I sure hope our heating and cooling unit isn't messed up. OH! I need to get dog food and pullups tomorrow. What else was it I said I need to get tomorrow? I knew I should have written it down when I thought about it but then I'd have to get out of bed and then I would have been wide awake again. Who am I kidding, I'm STILL wide awake. I wonder if anything good is on TV. Man, I hate being awake this late. My stomach is growling but I can't eat now....it's not good to eat this late......."
and On and ON and ON it goes. If it will stop, no one knows.
So you see, it's better for us to be watching something or doing something or typing something or reading something. ANYTHING to get our minds to SHUT UP!!!! lol I've literally laid in bed and gone through my entire medical history in my head trying to figure out when my body started failing me. I've rehearsed speeches in my head and I may or may not ever be asked to give ( like the miracle behind all my kids being here but more specifically that Olivia and I are still alive after a traumatic birth and that we even have Caleb at all....he was supposed to have been a miscarriage) Or the fact that we even have kids when Jeremy was told he wouldn't have kids and I had been diagnosed with PCOS and many PCOS patients never have children of their own. So we can either lay their in bed for hours and try and solve the worlds problems and plan our future for hours or we can give our mind a rest and let something else do the thinking for us. At least the TV or facebook, or a book is letting something or someone else do most of the thinking or gears our thinking in 1 direction instead of all over the place.
You know how when the heater kicks off in the winter or the AC kicks off in the summer and the fan is still running? That is kind of what insomnia is like only it lasts MUCH longer. Our bodies may be laying in bed all comfy and relaxed but truly, we are not relaxed because our brain won't shut down long enough to relax.
Now you've read OUR side of the story. I still don't expect everyone to "understand" it but maybe this will shed a little more light on the subject. haha! and I'm sorry you had to hear all the pointless ramblings that may or may not run through my brain on any given evening. That was just an example. There are MANY MANY more things our brains try and solve or plan or understand while we are laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and praying for just 1 night of relief.....of rest!
There are medical conditions to which insomnia is a side effect. 2 of these conditions I just happened to have been diagnosed with. I don't know if that gives me a double whammy of insomnia or what's going on but it seems to get worse as the months go by. There are a few days in which sleep comes easily...a few days a year! I LOVE those days.
"The Simple Solution".....or IS it??
My husband, a long with many other annoyed, or non sympathetic, or unable to understand or (insert whatever feeling someones spouse may have about their other half not sleeping) seem to think it's as simple as turning off the TV or the computer or putting down the book and climbing into bed and closing your eyes....IF ONLY!!!!!
Here is what happens when we do that.
<dialogue in our mind> "Hmmm, that place in my back really hurts tonight. I should probably call the Dr. and let them know the pain I've been having and not getting answers regarding for the past 3 years didn't magically disappear....it's still very much there. When was it this pain started? Oh yeah, nearly 3 years ago now. Along with so many other symptoms that have no answers. When did all these symptoms start? Seems to me it was after I had our first kid. That first kid we weren't supposed to be able to have. We tried for nearly 2 years before getting blessed with her....Well, some days feel more like a blessing than others. I'll sure be glad when she gets over this not paying attention phase. I'm not sure where she get's her OCD from. It seems to be a recessive gene. It hit my sister as well but Olivia is MY daughter, not my sisters so how did it jump from her to my daughter? I wonder what my sister is doing. I sure wish she would call more often. It's almost like I've fallen off the face of the Earth and she's forgotten about me. Oh yeah, that reminds me of what I forgot. I need to add milk to the grocery list. Speaking of groceries, I wonder what I should make for dinner tomorrow. We are out of ground beef but there is some shrimp, some chicken breast, and some Talapia in the freezer. Speaking of breasts, mine sure do hurt right now. But that all goes back to my medical issues. My body makes cysts for the fun of it and they are so painful. Speaking of fun, I need to think of something fun to do this weekend as a family. Speaking of family and weekend, I can't forget I have a photo shoot this Saturday at 3:30. Hmmm....I wonder who else I can hit up to buy some girl scout cookies. I sure do miss being back home with family. God, it sure would be nice if you would drop a house, and a job out of the sky for my husband so we can move back home. Speaking of back home. I sure do miss my grandparents. I wonder how they are doing. I'm afraid they won't be around to much longer. They sure are getting tired and slowing way down. I just pray I get to see them a couple more times before something happens to them. I sure do miss my daddy. I wonder if he is Heaven's chef. That man sure loved some food! He loved to make it too! Sometimes I feel like he's standing over my shoulder telling me what to put in my dishes and they almost always come out perfect! I wish my kids would have had a chance to meet him. Speaking of kids, I have GOT to make them clean their rooms tomorrow and if they don't, ALL their toy's are going to Goodwill. But, we know that will never happen. Too much money has been spent on those toys and we can't afford to replace them. Man! Is it hot in here or is it just me? I don't mean that in a haha way, I'm REALLY sweating bullets here. I sure hope I'm not going through the change!....Oh, look at the time. I've been laying here with my mind wandering for an hour now. I sure wish it had an off button. Dangit! I need to go to the bathroom......is it just me or is it cold in here? How can it feel like it dropped 20 degrees in the past 5 minutes. I wonder if he messed with the thermostat. I sure hope our heating and cooling unit isn't messed up. OH! I need to get dog food and pullups tomorrow. What else was it I said I need to get tomorrow? I knew I should have written it down when I thought about it but then I'd have to get out of bed and then I would have been wide awake again. Who am I kidding, I'm STILL wide awake. I wonder if anything good is on TV. Man, I hate being awake this late. My stomach is growling but I can't eat now....it's not good to eat this late......."
and On and ON and ON it goes. If it will stop, no one knows.
So you see, it's better for us to be watching something or doing something or typing something or reading something. ANYTHING to get our minds to SHUT UP!!!! lol I've literally laid in bed and gone through my entire medical history in my head trying to figure out when my body started failing me. I've rehearsed speeches in my head and I may or may not ever be asked to give ( like the miracle behind all my kids being here but more specifically that Olivia and I are still alive after a traumatic birth and that we even have Caleb at all....he was supposed to have been a miscarriage) Or the fact that we even have kids when Jeremy was told he wouldn't have kids and I had been diagnosed with PCOS and many PCOS patients never have children of their own. So we can either lay their in bed for hours and try and solve the worlds problems and plan our future for hours or we can give our mind a rest and let something else do the thinking for us. At least the TV or facebook, or a book is letting something or someone else do most of the thinking or gears our thinking in 1 direction instead of all over the place.
You know how when the heater kicks off in the winter or the AC kicks off in the summer and the fan is still running? That is kind of what insomnia is like only it lasts MUCH longer. Our bodies may be laying in bed all comfy and relaxed but truly, we are not relaxed because our brain won't shut down long enough to relax.
Now you've read OUR side of the story. I still don't expect everyone to "understand" it but maybe this will shed a little more light on the subject. haha! and I'm sorry you had to hear all the pointless ramblings that may or may not run through my brain on any given evening. That was just an example. There are MANY MANY more things our brains try and solve or plan or understand while we are laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and praying for just 1 night of relief.....of rest!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Food is not my friend
I'm sure by the title, most people assume this is an oh my gosh, I can't quit eating post. Actually, it's quite the opposite. It's going on 3 years now that I have not felt well at all. I do have some good days but I'm no closer to an answer now than I was 3 years ago so I figured I'd start keeping a running blog of how my days go and what symptoms I may experience that day. As of now, my current diagnosis' are PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and asthma. I have a feeling all of these are bi-products of something larger going on or that there is something bigger going on besides all of that.
So, having said all that, the reason my the title of my post. For the past few weeks, I have had no appetite at all. The few times I do get hungry or the times I stop to think about eating because I know I need to eat, I get sick every time. Either burping it back or running to the bathroom. I'm sorry for the too much information but sometime life isn't pretty and well, right now, the health part of mine isn't either. It doesn't matter what it is. At first, I thought maybe it was just stuff that was greasy or had dairy product in it but it's not. It's anything and everything. When I was going through my asthma and upper respiratory stuff that would never go away, the steroids they had me on (2 different round of steroids) made me put on 10 lbs. Well, I've lost all of that and more in the past 5 days. I'm not complaining about losing the weight. I've tried for YEARS to unsuccessfully. It just has me a bit worried. As the days progress and I blog more on this matter, I'll give a little more background info and ALL they symptoms I've experienced through the past 2 1/2 years. Oh....and to add a new symptom. Last night, my toes started feeling numb and tingly when I have my feet up or I'm laying down.
And the saga continues!........
So, having said all that, the reason my the title of my post. For the past few weeks, I have had no appetite at all. The few times I do get hungry or the times I stop to think about eating because I know I need to eat, I get sick every time. Either burping it back or running to the bathroom. I'm sorry for the too much information but sometime life isn't pretty and well, right now, the health part of mine isn't either. It doesn't matter what it is. At first, I thought maybe it was just stuff that was greasy or had dairy product in it but it's not. It's anything and everything. When I was going through my asthma and upper respiratory stuff that would never go away, the steroids they had me on (2 different round of steroids) made me put on 10 lbs. Well, I've lost all of that and more in the past 5 days. I'm not complaining about losing the weight. I've tried for YEARS to unsuccessfully. It just has me a bit worried. As the days progress and I blog more on this matter, I'll give a little more background info and ALL they symptoms I've experienced through the past 2 1/2 years. Oh....and to add a new symptom. Last night, my toes started feeling numb and tingly when I have my feet up or I'm laying down.
And the saga continues!........
I have a dream....
You know how all little children get asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Well, I've always felt my answer was in adequate because my dream wasn't about "who" or "what" I wanted to be when I grew up but what I wanted to accomplish. My dreams are bigger than my capabilities. However, no dream is bigger than God's capability. Especially if it is a God dream.
My dad and a local ministry in my home town REALLY impacted my life as a child. "Mother Tucker Ministries" Then I got involved with a church that's mission was to feed the hungry and minister to the hurting. Bethel Worship Center. Some of the best times of my life were the missions work we would do. Going to John 3:16 and ministering to and feeding the homeless. Going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and minister to the seeking and the hurting and the homeless. My trip to Ukraine with Brother French's team also impacted me. I got to see how spoiled and complacent most Americans are. We complain about what we don't have instead of being grateful for what we do have. On that mission, we ministered mostly to orphanages and schools. One of our last visits there was a nursing home. But even more than that, what impacted me most were how grateful the people were for what they did have! We would pass by little shacks that housed families....sometimes families as large as 5 or more. It truly looked like they were living in a little garden shed. They would be outside in the freezing cold cooking their food in old metal garbage cans. The children were laughing and happy and playing...running around smiling. I stopped and looked. To us, they had nothing. To them, though it may not be much, they did have shelter....and they did have food. Maybe not in what we would consider an ideal living condition but none the less, they had that and most importantly, they had each other. Ukraine is supposed to be "free" now of the government rule but they are still very much ruled and oppressed by them. Yet there, I never saw as much unhappiness and sadness as I do here.
So what is my dream you ask? Well my answer would be which one?? I dream of running a soup kitchen and my kids getting the hands on experience of helping and ministering to others. I dream of running an "orphanage" for kids looking for a loving home only to be thrown into a failing system. I have a dream that all Americans would be able to go on a missions project to a 3rd world country if for no other reason, than to teach them thankfulness, gratitude, giving, helping. I dream of having a shelter for battered women and children. I dream of having a safe house for those who have escaped the abuse of predators. I dream of a HUGE home that can encompass all of this and be opened 24-7 for counseling and support to those who need it. I dream of having a camp where kids who are told they are worthless and good for nothing can come and escape all that negativity for at least a week, maybe even a summer.....I guess, I'd have to say, I dream of heaven!
My dad and a local ministry in my home town REALLY impacted my life as a child. "Mother Tucker Ministries" Then I got involved with a church that's mission was to feed the hungry and minister to the hurting. Bethel Worship Center. Some of the best times of my life were the missions work we would do. Going to John 3:16 and ministering to and feeding the homeless. Going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and minister to the seeking and the hurting and the homeless. My trip to Ukraine with Brother French's team also impacted me. I got to see how spoiled and complacent most Americans are. We complain about what we don't have instead of being grateful for what we do have. On that mission, we ministered mostly to orphanages and schools. One of our last visits there was a nursing home. But even more than that, what impacted me most were how grateful the people were for what they did have! We would pass by little shacks that housed families....sometimes families as large as 5 or more. It truly looked like they were living in a little garden shed. They would be outside in the freezing cold cooking their food in old metal garbage cans. The children were laughing and happy and playing...running around smiling. I stopped and looked. To us, they had nothing. To them, though it may not be much, they did have shelter....and they did have food. Maybe not in what we would consider an ideal living condition but none the less, they had that and most importantly, they had each other. Ukraine is supposed to be "free" now of the government rule but they are still very much ruled and oppressed by them. Yet there, I never saw as much unhappiness and sadness as I do here.
So what is my dream you ask? Well my answer would be which one?? I dream of running a soup kitchen and my kids getting the hands on experience of helping and ministering to others. I dream of running an "orphanage" for kids looking for a loving home only to be thrown into a failing system. I have a dream that all Americans would be able to go on a missions project to a 3rd world country if for no other reason, than to teach them thankfulness, gratitude, giving, helping. I dream of having a shelter for battered women and children. I dream of having a safe house for those who have escaped the abuse of predators. I dream of a HUGE home that can encompass all of this and be opened 24-7 for counseling and support to those who need it. I dream of having a camp where kids who are told they are worthless and good for nothing can come and escape all that negativity for at least a week, maybe even a summer.....I guess, I'd have to say, I dream of heaven!
Friday, January 6, 2012
New Beginnings
So, it's a new year! I can't believe how much quicker each year seems to fly. I feel like I'm going to blink and my kids will be grown. I keep looking for a "slow down" button. If you happen to find one, please let me know where it is.
The purpose of this blog is to encourage you. I encourage you not to make new years resolutions. What? You ask. You hear me. All to often we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. We set these resolutions that we know we've never kept and most likely will not be able to keep. Instead, I encourage you to make short term goals. See!!! I'm not for being lazy and accomplishing nothing. I just think we need to be more realistic and set short term goals instead a huge crazy ones. If you want to lose 40 lbs, don't set a resolution that you'll go to the gym every day and only eat 1,000 calories until you reach your goal. Set a goal that this week, you will work out 3 days a week for 30 minutes and cut down on the sugar. If you are a soda drinker and drink a few soda's a day, take 1 away each day this and another the next and so on and so forth until you wean yourself off of them.
The problem with resolutions is, we try and bite off the whole chunk at 1 time instead of setting short attainable goals and when we fail, we are REALLY hard on ourselves. With short term goals, you can set your attainable goals and then reward yourself when you meet that goal. I think you'll find you'll more likely reach your final goal this way than starting off straight out of the gun with doing 1 hour of cardio 7 days a week and eating only green veggies. :) Happy New Year!! And remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
The purpose of this blog is to encourage you. I encourage you not to make new years resolutions. What? You ask. You hear me. All to often we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. We set these resolutions that we know we've never kept and most likely will not be able to keep. Instead, I encourage you to make short term goals. See!!! I'm not for being lazy and accomplishing nothing. I just think we need to be more realistic and set short term goals instead a huge crazy ones. If you want to lose 40 lbs, don't set a resolution that you'll go to the gym every day and only eat 1,000 calories until you reach your goal. Set a goal that this week, you will work out 3 days a week for 30 minutes and cut down on the sugar. If you are a soda drinker and drink a few soda's a day, take 1 away each day this and another the next and so on and so forth until you wean yourself off of them.
The problem with resolutions is, we try and bite off the whole chunk at 1 time instead of setting short attainable goals and when we fail, we are REALLY hard on ourselves. With short term goals, you can set your attainable goals and then reward yourself when you meet that goal. I think you'll find you'll more likely reach your final goal this way than starting off straight out of the gun with doing 1 hour of cardio 7 days a week and eating only green veggies. :) Happy New Year!! And remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Friday, October 14, 2011
I got your back!
So, I felt compelled to write this tonight. Because a group I belong to is an "open" group, I know you can see that something has me a bit riled up. I won't go into the details now. My friend doesn't need to relive the details any more than she has to but I will say this. I was questioned as to why I keep posting in response to her attackers. I prayed about it, wondering if I was doing the right thing....I'm not name calling, hating on, or slandering anyone. I also had a discussion with my husband about it. After all, he is my best friend and the part that completes me. When I had his backing as well as peace in my heart about it, I felt I should explain here.
My daddy used to say (as well as many other people and it's in many songs,) "if you don't stand for something, you fall for anything." "To have friends, you must show yourself friendly." "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." "greater love than no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." Part of those quotes are scripture and I have something else on my heart to write about as well so I'm trying to make this quick. When I get a minute, I'll come back and add the books and verse numbers they are found in.
If you've not known me personally or only knew me for a short time, there is probably a characteristic, or quality if you will, about me that you are not aware of. When you are my FRIEND, and I feel you are being wronged, I will back you 100%. I may get angry with others in the process and that's ok as long as that anger does not cause me to sin. Jesus became angry with the money changers in the temple. He yelled at them and knocked over tables and ran them out yet he was a man without sin. He stood for what He believed in and what he knew was right. When Christ was carrying the cross after having been beaten over and over and over by the soldiers, he needed help. He needed someone to take the weight off of his back and place it on theirs. We all have moments in our lives where we are weak and need someone to bear that weight for us. If you are my friend and I can help do that, I will. Even you are not my friend and I feel you are being wronged, I WILL step in. That's just who I am. I love with all I have and I don't hold back. Maybe that's a weakness maybe not, I don't know. I know sometimes it does cause me to be a bit more burdened but it's also those times those burdens are so heavy that it brings me to my knee's and I look to God for help. If I'm to be an example, I'm to emulate what Christ would do. If I could paint a physical picture for you I would. If Christ was walking this earth today in fleshly form and he saw someone being attacked that was too weak to defend them self or was grieving something so terrible they just didn't feel they had the strength to go on, I have NO doubt he would step in. Look what He did for the prostitute that was being stoned. He put a stop to it and told them, "let he who is without send cast the first stone." I am not perfect, far from it but the older I get, the more of an example I try to set for my kids. Not just because I have kids but because I've matured enough to feel that draw to be more like Christ. I can not, in good conscience, sit back and watch those hurting be knocked down even further. When they feel they are too week to be their own voice, I will gladly step up and be their voice. If their arms are too week to lift in praise to God, I will stand behind them and hold up their arms. I can not apologize for that and I can not back down until the battle is over. With God all things are possible and He is making a way before us!
Mandy, I love you!! I will always be an ear and voice when you need one! I pray the peace of God envelopes you each and every day. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through and what you are continuing to go through and if I knew of a way to make it all better I would. Trust in God! Know He loves you and that He see's you as His beautiful master piece! Never forget what He's brought you through and what He will continue to bring you through!!! Wish I could be there physically but since I can't be, I want you to know I am here prayerfully, emotionally, and verbally!
My daddy used to say (as well as many other people and it's in many songs,) "if you don't stand for something, you fall for anything." "To have friends, you must show yourself friendly." "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." "greater love than no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." Part of those quotes are scripture and I have something else on my heart to write about as well so I'm trying to make this quick. When I get a minute, I'll come back and add the books and verse numbers they are found in.
If you've not known me personally or only knew me for a short time, there is probably a characteristic, or quality if you will, about me that you are not aware of. When you are my FRIEND, and I feel you are being wronged, I will back you 100%. I may get angry with others in the process and that's ok as long as that anger does not cause me to sin. Jesus became angry with the money changers in the temple. He yelled at them and knocked over tables and ran them out yet he was a man without sin. He stood for what He believed in and what he knew was right. When Christ was carrying the cross after having been beaten over and over and over by the soldiers, he needed help. He needed someone to take the weight off of his back and place it on theirs. We all have moments in our lives where we are weak and need someone to bear that weight for us. If you are my friend and I can help do that, I will. Even you are not my friend and I feel you are being wronged, I WILL step in. That's just who I am. I love with all I have and I don't hold back. Maybe that's a weakness maybe not, I don't know. I know sometimes it does cause me to be a bit more burdened but it's also those times those burdens are so heavy that it brings me to my knee's and I look to God for help. If I'm to be an example, I'm to emulate what Christ would do. If I could paint a physical picture for you I would. If Christ was walking this earth today in fleshly form and he saw someone being attacked that was too weak to defend them self or was grieving something so terrible they just didn't feel they had the strength to go on, I have NO doubt he would step in. Look what He did for the prostitute that was being stoned. He put a stop to it and told them, "let he who is without send cast the first stone." I am not perfect, far from it but the older I get, the more of an example I try to set for my kids. Not just because I have kids but because I've matured enough to feel that draw to be more like Christ. I can not, in good conscience, sit back and watch those hurting be knocked down even further. When they feel they are too week to be their own voice, I will gladly step up and be their voice. If their arms are too week to lift in praise to God, I will stand behind them and hold up their arms. I can not apologize for that and I can not back down until the battle is over. With God all things are possible and He is making a way before us!
Mandy, I love you!! I will always be an ear and voice when you need one! I pray the peace of God envelopes you each and every day. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through and what you are continuing to go through and if I knew of a way to make it all better I would. Trust in God! Know He loves you and that He see's you as His beautiful master piece! Never forget what He's brought you through and what He will continue to bring you through!!! Wish I could be there physically but since I can't be, I want you to know I am here prayerfully, emotionally, and verbally!
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