Since the day she was born, Stevi and I have been best friends. Our moms are best friends so we were raised together. It's an amazing blessing to have a friend like that and I sometimes am sad when each school year, my daughters best friend changes. From what I gather of other children that is normal but I always wanted her to have a friend like had and still have. Someone that goes through everything together. Even those times you aren't there for each you, are still hurt when they hurt and rejoice when they rejoice. Most people don't understand our relationship unless they've had a best friend since birth as well. To me, she is so much more than a friend. She is my sister! My biological sisters were quite a bit older than me so we weren't always close during my younger years but Stevi and I, we were like pea's and carrot's! :) As close as we were, we still as different as night and day. As was the out spoken and social butterfly. She was quiet and humble and didn't always like being around a lot of people. I LOVED sports and church camps and overnight youth outings. She preferred to be at home. Our family dynamic was different. But that didn't matter. We always have been and always will be best friends. We would stay up late at night planning our future. We were going to grow up, meet our prince charmings, get married and we'd all move to Texas and live on a ranch! One of us would have the upstairs with our family and one would have the downstairs. Sometimes I wish we would have written down our plans so we could look back on them now and read them and laugh. We were young, dreamers, and the world was our oyster! I never could stand going to Southerland Lumber or Home Depot, or Lowes. Unless Stevi was with me. Why did that make a difference? I'll tell you why. In your young minds and imaginations, every isle we went down was a new opportunity to "plan" our dream home. We loved the idea of claw foot tubs and pull chain toilets. We'd pick out whimsical light fixtures and choose our wall colors. It was different when we were together because then, we were shopping for US! Not our everyday in real life homes because a pipe busted. We were the same way at the grocery story. There were times we'd be at the grocery store with our moms and the whole way through the story we were so excited and had great anticipation of going down the baby isle. Yes you heard right. The isle full of diapers, wipes, onesies, pacifiers, bottles, etc. We had no interest in the toy isle. JUST the baby isle because we could shop for our "babies". (Our dolls of course!). Our babies had real diapers. They had real bottles and real pacies. Our babies had real baby brushes. This wasn't because we were spoiled. But we had huge imaginations and in all honestly, back then, it was cheaper to buy the real deals than the toy ones. We both came from low income families so that was always a factor.
As we got older, there was a time we grew apart. Not because we didn't still care and love each other but life just happened. I was spending all my time in sports and worrying about a sick daddy and she had life of her own going on. There were a couple of tragic events that took place in our lives...important people lost and we both had our dating lives. We would catch up on the phone occasionally (I still remember her childhood number!) :) When the time comes for us to marry, that's when life started pulling us back together and now, it feels like we were never apart. You know you have a life long friend when years can go by and when you are together again, you can pick up where you left off.
I thank God for crossing our moms paths all those years ago! Everyone should be so blessed as to have a friend that isn't only a friend...but a sister.
(In telling my life story, I had to stop and write about our friendship because it's always been an important party of my life!) <3
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
just an ordinary girl with a big dream.....
A post on my wall on facebook made me realize that all too often, people misunderstand other people. They don't understand why someone feels the way they do or why they believe the way they do. A lot of hurt feelings happen over misunderstandings and I've felt like my life has been an open book. I've posted the good, bad, and the ugly that has happened to me but after reading back over it, it's been in bits and pieces. So with that in mind, I've decided to start from the beginning. Please keep in mind that anything I say in this blog are my true feelings....How I perceived my life and anything that took place in it and is not meant to hurt any of my family or friends feelings. I'm just keeping it real.
I really had an ordinary life. Life was care free, happy,amazing. My earliest memories start back at 2 or 3. Though I don't remember much that early, there are some things I do remember. I came from what we always referred to as a "Yours, mine, and ours" family. Meaning, my dad had been married before and had a son and a daughter. My mom had been married before and had a daughter and a son. Their first marriages broke up. They lived on the same street. An East side neighborhood. After much pursuing by my father, my mother started dating him. They get married and merge two families. It wasn't much longer and I joined the crew. My earlier years were very happy and carefree. Exciting and fun. I was only a toddler so of course, to me, life was grand. I had a back yard to play in, cousins to play with, neighborhood kids to play with.
But the more I think about it, other than pictures and holidays and Sundays. I don't have too many memories of my daddy at that young of age (2-3). I have plenty of my mom, my brothers, one of my sisters, my Aunt and my cousins (some of them lived with us and or spent many nights with us during this time). My dad was a very hard working man. We were a low income family. My mom had in home daycare so she could be home for us prior to going to school and then we we left for school and returned home. The way my parents raised us, I never realized just how "low income" we were. We had hand me down clothes, there was a period we were on food stamps. We didn't eat out and we never had big lavish things or new cars. I don't recall too many of our cars even having air conditioning. Now that I'm grown, I hear stories from my mom...how there were times they didn't know where our next meal would come from.
My dad was a high school drop out. He had a rough life himself. His dad died when he was 7 and my Grandma did the best he could raising him and his 3 siblings. When I was young my dad had 3 jobs. He worked at a machine shop, he had a pest control business and I don't recall what the other job was. 2 of his jobs were full time. (I think the machine shop and the pest control). I recall trying to stay up until midnight or later so I could kiss my daddy and tell him goodnight. Most nights I succeeded.
My dad was 12 years older than my mom so when I was born, my siblings were somewhere in the range of 16 or 17 (my oldest brother), 14 or 15 (My oldest sister), 8 (my other big sister), and 6 (my other big brother). So at times, there were 7 people in a 3 bedroom 1 bath home. As a little kid, it didn't feel crowded at all but why would it? I was born into that. :) And it was never just the 7 of us. At any given time I had an Aunt or an Uncle or cousins living with us as well. My mom was one of 8 kids so some of her siblings were around the age of my older siblings. When they would reach the age that they would leave home, our place seemed to be the popular resting spot. :) It was a home full of love....that is for sure.
It's amazing how a family can have so little (monetarily) and yet the children feel rich. Of course that is all in how we perceive things when we are young. Everything is fresh and exciting and new and innocent until someone tells you different or crushes your imagination or dreams. We very rarely ate out. We couldn't afford it. We didn't have cable TV. We had the basic 3 or 4 (channels 2,6,8, and 11)channels with bunny ear antenna's that we watched on a TV my parents had saved their pocket change for YEARS to buy. I remember the rolling of the coins. It was a family affair. If I remember correctly, once they were all counted out and rolled, they were taken to K-mart to make the "big purchase". It was SOO exciting. It was exciting to maneuver the antenna's just right so we could get reception. Sometimes it would require tin foil on the antenna's. lol
I grew up in a Christian home. My parents had us in Church every time the doors were opened. Prayer meeting, revival, social, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night. Some Wednesday nights were just mom and us kids because dad would be working. He didn't work on Sundays though. That was family day. I made so many good friends in Church. Even as a toddler I was in the nursery helping our nursery worker with the even younger babies. Because my siblings were all older, I was in many ways, wise beyond my years and matured quite quickly for my age. My dad was a great example of always doing for others. He would give the shirt off his back if someone needed it. He would give up his portion of food for someone that had none. His hurt were for the hurting, the homeless, and the down trodden. He was a hard worker. It didn't take long for me to realize that this man was my hero.
I very rarely got into trouble growing up. Though I was/am a strong willed person, I also have the desire not to let those I love down. I made good grades. Not because I just LOVED school but because I wanted my parents...specifically my daddy to be proud of me. Any sport I chose to play, I succeeded at. Not just because I loved the sport (which I did) but I also wanted to show my daddy that I would work hard and be the best I could I be and always give 150%. My parents firmly believed in spankings and I know there are many today that do not but before anyone gets outraged, I promise you, I was never abused. I never felt abused. I was never frightened by spankings. I was more upset that I had let someone down than I was over a spanking. I have mixed emotions on this topic. I know each and every spanking I received (which I can count on 1 hand), I deserved. I deserved more than I got most likely but I could always feel the love and hurt that it caused my dad when he would spank us. If what we did was something that angered him, he would send us to our room, he would go to his room or his "study room" and pray and cool down first and then come to us and talk with us and discuss why what we did was wrong and make sure we understood why. The Bible does say, "Spare the rod, you spoil the child." I think there is a time and place and a way to handle everything and I NEVER felt my father did so inappropriately. There were never marks left and you could see the pain in his face once it was done. I'm not saying all this to start a debate over whether spanking is appropriate or not, I'm just telling my life story and in my life story, I was fine with it. I preferred it to be grounded or writing sentences. It was done and over with in a split second while still getting the point across where being grounded and writing sentences were pure torture to me. And I also realize every child is different. Spankings are effective for all children just as time out and re-direction aren't effective for all children. There is no handbook when you have kids and you have to pray and do what you feel is best for you and your family without judging (unless someone is truly being abused) what is best for another family.
Getting back on track, as I grew, sports became a love and passion of mine. I played soccer from the time I was 4 until I was in the 6th grade. Then I played basketball from 8th grade and on into college. I lived, breathed, ate, drank, slept, and dreamed soccer and basketball. It probably kept me out of a LOT of trouble when I was in my teenage years. haha (to be continued....)
I really had an ordinary life. Life was care free, happy,amazing. My earliest memories start back at 2 or 3. Though I don't remember much that early, there are some things I do remember. I came from what we always referred to as a "Yours, mine, and ours" family. Meaning, my dad had been married before and had a son and a daughter. My mom had been married before and had a daughter and a son. Their first marriages broke up. They lived on the same street. An East side neighborhood. After much pursuing by my father, my mother started dating him. They get married and merge two families. It wasn't much longer and I joined the crew. My earlier years were very happy and carefree. Exciting and fun. I was only a toddler so of course, to me, life was grand. I had a back yard to play in, cousins to play with, neighborhood kids to play with.
But the more I think about it, other than pictures and holidays and Sundays. I don't have too many memories of my daddy at that young of age (2-3). I have plenty of my mom, my brothers, one of my sisters, my Aunt and my cousins (some of them lived with us and or spent many nights with us during this time). My dad was a very hard working man. We were a low income family. My mom had in home daycare so she could be home for us prior to going to school and then we we left for school and returned home. The way my parents raised us, I never realized just how "low income" we were. We had hand me down clothes, there was a period we were on food stamps. We didn't eat out and we never had big lavish things or new cars. I don't recall too many of our cars even having air conditioning. Now that I'm grown, I hear stories from my mom...how there were times they didn't know where our next meal would come from.
My dad was a high school drop out. He had a rough life himself. His dad died when he was 7 and my Grandma did the best he could raising him and his 3 siblings. When I was young my dad had 3 jobs. He worked at a machine shop, he had a pest control business and I don't recall what the other job was. 2 of his jobs were full time. (I think the machine shop and the pest control). I recall trying to stay up until midnight or later so I could kiss my daddy and tell him goodnight. Most nights I succeeded.
My dad was 12 years older than my mom so when I was born, my siblings were somewhere in the range of 16 or 17 (my oldest brother), 14 or 15 (My oldest sister), 8 (my other big sister), and 6 (my other big brother). So at times, there were 7 people in a 3 bedroom 1 bath home. As a little kid, it didn't feel crowded at all but why would it? I was born into that. :) And it was never just the 7 of us. At any given time I had an Aunt or an Uncle or cousins living with us as well. My mom was one of 8 kids so some of her siblings were around the age of my older siblings. When they would reach the age that they would leave home, our place seemed to be the popular resting spot. :) It was a home full of love....that is for sure.
It's amazing how a family can have so little (monetarily) and yet the children feel rich. Of course that is all in how we perceive things when we are young. Everything is fresh and exciting and new and innocent until someone tells you different or crushes your imagination or dreams. We very rarely ate out. We couldn't afford it. We didn't have cable TV. We had the basic 3 or 4 (channels 2,6,8, and 11)channels with bunny ear antenna's that we watched on a TV my parents had saved their pocket change for YEARS to buy. I remember the rolling of the coins. It was a family affair. If I remember correctly, once they were all counted out and rolled, they were taken to K-mart to make the "big purchase". It was SOO exciting. It was exciting to maneuver the antenna's just right so we could get reception. Sometimes it would require tin foil on the antenna's. lol
I grew up in a Christian home. My parents had us in Church every time the doors were opened. Prayer meeting, revival, social, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night. Some Wednesday nights were just mom and us kids because dad would be working. He didn't work on Sundays though. That was family day. I made so many good friends in Church. Even as a toddler I was in the nursery helping our nursery worker with the even younger babies. Because my siblings were all older, I was in many ways, wise beyond my years and matured quite quickly for my age. My dad was a great example of always doing for others. He would give the shirt off his back if someone needed it. He would give up his portion of food for someone that had none. His hurt were for the hurting, the homeless, and the down trodden. He was a hard worker. It didn't take long for me to realize that this man was my hero.
I very rarely got into trouble growing up. Though I was/am a strong willed person, I also have the desire not to let those I love down. I made good grades. Not because I just LOVED school but because I wanted my parents...specifically my daddy to be proud of me. Any sport I chose to play, I succeeded at. Not just because I loved the sport (which I did) but I also wanted to show my daddy that I would work hard and be the best I could I be and always give 150%. My parents firmly believed in spankings and I know there are many today that do not but before anyone gets outraged, I promise you, I was never abused. I never felt abused. I was never frightened by spankings. I was more upset that I had let someone down than I was over a spanking. I have mixed emotions on this topic. I know each and every spanking I received (which I can count on 1 hand), I deserved. I deserved more than I got most likely but I could always feel the love and hurt that it caused my dad when he would spank us. If what we did was something that angered him, he would send us to our room, he would go to his room or his "study room" and pray and cool down first and then come to us and talk with us and discuss why what we did was wrong and make sure we understood why. The Bible does say, "Spare the rod, you spoil the child." I think there is a time and place and a way to handle everything and I NEVER felt my father did so inappropriately. There were never marks left and you could see the pain in his face once it was done. I'm not saying all this to start a debate over whether spanking is appropriate or not, I'm just telling my life story and in my life story, I was fine with it. I preferred it to be grounded or writing sentences. It was done and over with in a split second while still getting the point across where being grounded and writing sentences were pure torture to me. And I also realize every child is different. Spankings are effective for all children just as time out and re-direction aren't effective for all children. There is no handbook when you have kids and you have to pray and do what you feel is best for you and your family without judging (unless someone is truly being abused) what is best for another family.
Getting back on track, as I grew, sports became a love and passion of mine. I played soccer from the time I was 4 until I was in the 6th grade. Then I played basketball from 8th grade and on into college. I lived, breathed, ate, drank, slept, and dreamed soccer and basketball. It probably kept me out of a LOT of trouble when I was in my teenage years. haha (to be continued....)
Monday, June 25, 2012
Mourn at Birth, Rejoice at Death....
I often heard that phrase growing up and was told it's in the scripture (but it's not....there is one scripture that is similar but it's not the same at all). I used to wonder why in the world would someone rejoice at death and mourn at birth. And then.....
And then I lost my father.....and then I had my children.....and then I understood. My father suffered a long time before he past and it was the most painful thing to endure and to watch and though I still miss him terribly...SO SO terribly, once he passed a sense of relief came over us. He was no longer in pain. He was no longer hooked up to tubes. He would no longer smell of death. He would no longer go through spells of confusion. Watching someone you love suffer so deeply and so long is the most painful thing your can endure so when they pass on, though you are deeply saddened for them you are also relieve that they are no longer suffering.
When I had my babies, it was the happiest days of my life! Quite opposite from mourning actually but one thing you realize once you become a parent, and this hits parents (especially moms) at different stages of parenthood is that this beautiful miracle you brought into the world will now one day face heartache. They will feel sad, fear, loneliness, possibly depression, they may have an illness that causes them physical and emotion pain and once you realize this perfect little bundle of joy will one day hurt, it hurts your heart! Don't get me wrong, the moments of happiness and joy far out way the moments of pain if you are fortunate and blessed but it doesn't make the pain of watching your child hurt any less in the moment that the pain is happening. Thinking about these 2 scenarios made me think of when God, for one moment in time could not look upon His own Son. I often hear people say that it's because at that moment, Jesus took the sin of the world upon Himself. But I have to wonder if God could not look for that reason or if it was really because he could not, as a parent, bare to see the suffering that was being placed upon His son's shoulders. If you stop and think about any, all, and every sin that has been, could be, ever will be committed and to know that if at that very moment, all of that was being covered by Jesus' blood....as a parent, I feel that maybe....just maybe, God couldn't watch not because it was sin but because of the pain and anguish it caused His one and only Son!! I can't even fathom watching my child bare the burdens of a sinful and fallen world. I can't even bare to watch my child have a broken heart because a sibling or friend called them a name. I can't bare to watch my child suffer in pain when they are sick or hurt but to multiply all that pain times infinity and I think my heart would shatter right out of my chest.
So, though I've not found that saying in scripture, I do now "get it". I can understand that sentiment and way of thinking.
I will now try to resume my slumber. I was trying to go to sleep and I'm not sure why this topic even came into my mind while trying to drift off to dream land but I couldn't not type my thoughts as I knew I'd forget them by morning.
God bless
And then I lost my father.....and then I had my children.....and then I understood. My father suffered a long time before he past and it was the most painful thing to endure and to watch and though I still miss him terribly...SO SO terribly, once he passed a sense of relief came over us. He was no longer in pain. He was no longer hooked up to tubes. He would no longer smell of death. He would no longer go through spells of confusion. Watching someone you love suffer so deeply and so long is the most painful thing your can endure so when they pass on, though you are deeply saddened for them you are also relieve that they are no longer suffering.
When I had my babies, it was the happiest days of my life! Quite opposite from mourning actually but one thing you realize once you become a parent, and this hits parents (especially moms) at different stages of parenthood is that this beautiful miracle you brought into the world will now one day face heartache. They will feel sad, fear, loneliness, possibly depression, they may have an illness that causes them physical and emotion pain and once you realize this perfect little bundle of joy will one day hurt, it hurts your heart! Don't get me wrong, the moments of happiness and joy far out way the moments of pain if you are fortunate and blessed but it doesn't make the pain of watching your child hurt any less in the moment that the pain is happening. Thinking about these 2 scenarios made me think of when God, for one moment in time could not look upon His own Son. I often hear people say that it's because at that moment, Jesus took the sin of the world upon Himself. But I have to wonder if God could not look for that reason or if it was really because he could not, as a parent, bare to see the suffering that was being placed upon His son's shoulders. If you stop and think about any, all, and every sin that has been, could be, ever will be committed and to know that if at that very moment, all of that was being covered by Jesus' blood....as a parent, I feel that maybe....just maybe, God couldn't watch not because it was sin but because of the pain and anguish it caused His one and only Son!! I can't even fathom watching my child bare the burdens of a sinful and fallen world. I can't even bare to watch my child have a broken heart because a sibling or friend called them a name. I can't bare to watch my child suffer in pain when they are sick or hurt but to multiply all that pain times infinity and I think my heart would shatter right out of my chest.
So, though I've not found that saying in scripture, I do now "get it". I can understand that sentiment and way of thinking.
I will now try to resume my slumber. I was trying to go to sleep and I'm not sure why this topic even came into my mind while trying to drift off to dream land but I couldn't not type my thoughts as I knew I'd forget them by morning.
God bless
Friday, February 3, 2012
Caleb..."servant of the Lord"
The first blog I've posted about my children was about Madison. This one is about Caleb and really dear to my heart. Please read below to find out about my precious Caleb.
"servant of the Lord" is the meaning of Caleb
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There is a man that was dear to our family. He used to do Bible studies and Prayer meetings in our home but he also lead a revival at Bethel. He once told me that if I had dreams with snakes or serpents in them to start praying over them and pleading the blood over them because it's often times a sign that someone is trying to use witch craft against you or curse you. Last week I had a dream I was at a park at night with the kids which is in and of itself odd but anyway, I was talking to someone and Caleb (my 5 year old) climbed up the slide. It had a tunnel over it. He started screaming and came running down the slide. He had a bite mark on his cheek that had 2 holes in it. I looked up in there and there was a snake up in there. I woke up after that but I started praying over Caleb. I don't know if you ever heard the story of what I went through when I was carrying him but satan really tried to keep him from entering this world.
A couple of different times when I was carrying Caleb, I had symptoms of a miscarriage. From the excruciating pain all the way to the visible signs. The last time it happened, my Dr. sent me back for an ultra sound. I should have been about 8 weeks. The tech starts the US and can not pick up a heart beat or see a baby. She does an internal US and same results. She tried for 30 minutes to try and detect a hint of a heartbeat or see any signs of a baby and could not. I could tell it didn't look good. My Dr. calls me into his office instead of back to the exam room so naturally my heart sank to my shoes. Jeremy was there with me and the Dr. said, it appears you've lost the baby but the sack is still there. So we need to talk about scheduling you for a D&C to clean out what remains in there. He said, we drew blood when you came in and the results will be back in the morning and from what I'm seeing, your HCG levels should be dropping back down now. Come back in tomorrow and we'll go over you blood work and get your D&C scheduled. That night I'm so upset I can't think straight. I called my mom sobbing and told her what was going on and told her, you can tell the family if you want but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to repeat this story over and over. I need to deal with it myself and I just can't talk to anyone about it right now. Tell everyone I'm sorry but I will not be answering my phone tonight. Jeremy held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke up in a better mood but still down. About halfway through the morning I felt led t start quoting scriptures over my belly. I would quote ""Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
and the one that says "Ye are the righteousness of God in Christ" only I would say "Caleb is the righteousness of God in Christ. He was formed in God's image and has a purpose. He shall live and not die."
Psalm 118:7 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done. only I would say, "Caleb will not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has done." I would keep repeating these verses and prayers over my belly throughout the day. We get to the Dr.s office and my Dr.'s nurse pokes her head out and says, "would you mind repeating the US? Your HCG levels are still increasing." I have a nervous laugh and say of course I don't mind. So again, the Dr. calls us back to his office and says, I just want to dot my i's and cross my t's. I don't want to schedule you for this procedure without 100% certainty of what I feel has happened and these numbers have put a little doubt in my mind. It still doesn't look good based on the US but I could not sleep at night if I wasn't 100% certain. I go back for the US and could see the tech was not looking forward to this session. I imagine it's difficult giving expectant moms gloomy news and having to be the "definitive" answer. I lay down on the table and less than 3 seconds she says, " Um...wait a minute....is that?....I have a heartbeat!" I started crying hysterically and she's trying to calm me down so she can continue. A couple more swipes over my tummy and there he is. Measuring at the perfect gestation just floating around in there and seeing that little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I knew he was called and destined to be here.
This was my 1'st experience with the devil trying to take his life. The next time, I was at a used car lot looking at vehicles. We had a small car and was fine for the 3 of us but Caleb was a couple months from being due and we would need more space. For some reason, Jeremy took the car to work so that left me with his old Ford pick up. I had dropped Olivia off at the day care and went to the Lemon Lot to look at what was available. It was early in the morning and no one was out there. I pulled up Really close to the cars on the lot. The Truck was facing East to West and the cars on the lot were facing North and South so the Truck and the van I was looking at formed a T. I put the truck in park and stepped out. I left the drivers side door open so I could just get back in really quickly. Well, I'm checking the van out and make my way to the front of it to read what the sign in the window says and the truck slips into reverse on it's own. It pins me between the truck door ( the tip of the door is pushing in on my belly) and the front end of the van. It was squeezing on both sides of my belly. The door of the truck on one side and the side of the van on the other. All kinds of gruesome scenes play through my mind and then I gain my wits and somehow am able to pull my belly out and my knee gets pinned instead. I yank my knee out and run around to the passenger side and slide in to move the truck forward thinking it's going to keep going and squish all the vehicles into each other. I stopped the catastrophe from happening and drove myself to the hospital. Very shaken up. They were more worried about my knee and I was more worried about Caleb. They hook me up to monitors and he's just fine.
THEN, after he was born, his PKU test came back abnormal. They repeated it 2 or 3 more times and again they came back abnormal and we are sent to the Children's hospital in Birmingham. They explain to me they are testing him for a condition that is commonly referred to as "wasting disease" or Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. Basically, the body can not process the salt it makes and causes the baby to dehydrate and die. It's very common in Jews (my husband is half Jewish) but typically, unless both parents are carriers, the baby is only a carrier but the fact the he had failed 4 PKU tests concerned them. I had to carry my baby into this cold sterile room and watch them try to insert an IV into him. His veins are so tiny that it's not working so they stick the bottom of his foot and SQUEEZE 2 vials of blood from his little foot. He screamed, I cried...then they tell me they would have to repeat the test 2 hours later. I guess they inject something into them to see how the babies body responds and if it processes it properly. So the second time, I hand him off to Jeremy and told him he had to take him back, I couldn't watch them do that to him again. Well, long story short, test came back fine and he is just a carrier of this condition.
Then, when he was 3, a friend and I had gotten together and taken our kids to our Church's Fall festival. Our Church is REALLY big on ministering to the kids of the inner city here so there are a lot of families from what they call "the bottom". That show up that night. Madi was a baby and was crying and I bent down to give her her paci and looked back and he was gone. Again, my heart dropped to my shoes. My friend stayed in the lobby with my girls and her boys as I walked around the fellowship Center crammed pack of people and kids in costumes. All I could do was pray that a predator did not see an opportunity and take advantage of it. I had told the kids if for any reason they got separated from me to find some one they knew and trusted and just stay put. After about 15 minutes ( that felt like 15 hours), I found him at the Sr. Citizens booth. I've never been so relieved.
I said all that to say that I know he has a purpose and a calling on his life. I feel like he is attacked more than any of my other children were or are. He has the most tender spirit toward things of God and things having to do with forgiveness. We watched the Grace Card as a family and at the end he BAWLED!!!! I asked him what was wrong because I didn't think as young as he was that he could really comprehend what was taking place in the movie. "He says, I'm happy and sad." I said why are you happy AND sad? He says, "I'm sad that the man lost his child but I'm happy that the daddy forgave that man. He didn't have to do that. That was really nice of him." Naturally, I lost it and started praying that God would guard and protect that side of him. That he would always be sensitive to the things of the Spirit. SO, when I had that dream, I woke up and started praying over him immediately. I don't know who or what would want to attack him but this momma plans on being vigilant and will not back down from praying a hedge of protection over him.
I love my little man so much! He and his sister are an extension of my heart walking around and growing on the outside of me. Whatever God has in store for him, I know it's something great!!
"servant of the Lord" is the meaning of Caleb
.
There is a man that was dear to our family. He used to do Bible studies and Prayer meetings in our home but he also lead a revival at Bethel. He once told me that if I had dreams with snakes or serpents in them to start praying over them and pleading the blood over them because it's often times a sign that someone is trying to use witch craft against you or curse you. Last week I had a dream I was at a park at night with the kids which is in and of itself odd but anyway, I was talking to someone and Caleb (my 5 year old) climbed up the slide. It had a tunnel over it. He started screaming and came running down the slide. He had a bite mark on his cheek that had 2 holes in it. I looked up in there and there was a snake up in there. I woke up after that but I started praying over Caleb. I don't know if you ever heard the story of what I went through when I was carrying him but satan really tried to keep him from entering this world.
A couple of different times when I was carrying Caleb, I had symptoms of a miscarriage. From the excruciating pain all the way to the visible signs. The last time it happened, my Dr. sent me back for an ultra sound. I should have been about 8 weeks. The tech starts the US and can not pick up a heart beat or see a baby. She does an internal US and same results. She tried for 30 minutes to try and detect a hint of a heartbeat or see any signs of a baby and could not. I could tell it didn't look good. My Dr. calls me into his office instead of back to the exam room so naturally my heart sank to my shoes. Jeremy was there with me and the Dr. said, it appears you've lost the baby but the sack is still there. So we need to talk about scheduling you for a D&C to clean out what remains in there. He said, we drew blood when you came in and the results will be back in the morning and from what I'm seeing, your HCG levels should be dropping back down now. Come back in tomorrow and we'll go over you blood work and get your D&C scheduled. That night I'm so upset I can't think straight. I called my mom sobbing and told her what was going on and told her, you can tell the family if you want but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to have to repeat this story over and over. I need to deal with it myself and I just can't talk to anyone about it right now. Tell everyone I'm sorry but I will not be answering my phone tonight. Jeremy held me and I cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke up in a better mood but still down. About halfway through the morning I felt led t start quoting scriptures over my belly. I would quote ""Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5
and the one that says "Ye are the righteousness of God in Christ" only I would say "Caleb is the righteousness of God in Christ. He was formed in God's image and has a purpose. He shall live and not die."
Psalm 118:7 I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done. only I would say, "Caleb will not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has done." I would keep repeating these verses and prayers over my belly throughout the day. We get to the Dr.s office and my Dr.'s nurse pokes her head out and says, "would you mind repeating the US? Your HCG levels are still increasing." I have a nervous laugh and say of course I don't mind. So again, the Dr. calls us back to his office and says, I just want to dot my i's and cross my t's. I don't want to schedule you for this procedure without 100% certainty of what I feel has happened and these numbers have put a little doubt in my mind. It still doesn't look good based on the US but I could not sleep at night if I wasn't 100% certain. I go back for the US and could see the tech was not looking forward to this session. I imagine it's difficult giving expectant moms gloomy news and having to be the "definitive" answer. I lay down on the table and less than 3 seconds she says, " Um...wait a minute....is that?....I have a heartbeat!" I started crying hysterically and she's trying to calm me down so she can continue. A couple more swipes over my tummy and there he is. Measuring at the perfect gestation just floating around in there and seeing that little heartbeat was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I knew he was called and destined to be here.
This was my 1'st experience with the devil trying to take his life. The next time, I was at a used car lot looking at vehicles. We had a small car and was fine for the 3 of us but Caleb was a couple months from being due and we would need more space. For some reason, Jeremy took the car to work so that left me with his old Ford pick up. I had dropped Olivia off at the day care and went to the Lemon Lot to look at what was available. It was early in the morning and no one was out there. I pulled up Really close to the cars on the lot. The Truck was facing East to West and the cars on the lot were facing North and South so the Truck and the van I was looking at formed a T. I put the truck in park and stepped out. I left the drivers side door open so I could just get back in really quickly. Well, I'm checking the van out and make my way to the front of it to read what the sign in the window says and the truck slips into reverse on it's own. It pins me between the truck door ( the tip of the door is pushing in on my belly) and the front end of the van. It was squeezing on both sides of my belly. The door of the truck on one side and the side of the van on the other. All kinds of gruesome scenes play through my mind and then I gain my wits and somehow am able to pull my belly out and my knee gets pinned instead. I yank my knee out and run around to the passenger side and slide in to move the truck forward thinking it's going to keep going and squish all the vehicles into each other. I stopped the catastrophe from happening and drove myself to the hospital. Very shaken up. They were more worried about my knee and I was more worried about Caleb. They hook me up to monitors and he's just fine.
THEN, after he was born, his PKU test came back abnormal. They repeated it 2 or 3 more times and again they came back abnormal and we are sent to the Children's hospital in Birmingham. They explain to me they are testing him for a condition that is commonly referred to as "wasting disease" or Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia. Basically, the body can not process the salt it makes and causes the baby to dehydrate and die. It's very common in Jews (my husband is half Jewish) but typically, unless both parents are carriers, the baby is only a carrier but the fact the he had failed 4 PKU tests concerned them. I had to carry my baby into this cold sterile room and watch them try to insert an IV into him. His veins are so tiny that it's not working so they stick the bottom of his foot and SQUEEZE 2 vials of blood from his little foot. He screamed, I cried...then they tell me they would have to repeat the test 2 hours later. I guess they inject something into them to see how the babies body responds and if it processes it properly. So the second time, I hand him off to Jeremy and told him he had to take him back, I couldn't watch them do that to him again. Well, long story short, test came back fine and he is just a carrier of this condition.
Then, when he was 3, a friend and I had gotten together and taken our kids to our Church's Fall festival. Our Church is REALLY big on ministering to the kids of the inner city here so there are a lot of families from what they call "the bottom". That show up that night. Madi was a baby and was crying and I bent down to give her her paci and looked back and he was gone. Again, my heart dropped to my shoes. My friend stayed in the lobby with my girls and her boys as I walked around the fellowship Center crammed pack of people and kids in costumes. All I could do was pray that a predator did not see an opportunity and take advantage of it. I had told the kids if for any reason they got separated from me to find some one they knew and trusted and just stay put. After about 15 minutes ( that felt like 15 hours), I found him at the Sr. Citizens booth. I've never been so relieved.
I said all that to say that I know he has a purpose and a calling on his life. I feel like he is attacked more than any of my other children were or are. He has the most tender spirit toward things of God and things having to do with forgiveness. We watched the Grace Card as a family and at the end he BAWLED!!!! I asked him what was wrong because I didn't think as young as he was that he could really comprehend what was taking place in the movie. "He says, I'm happy and sad." I said why are you happy AND sad? He says, "I'm sad that the man lost his child but I'm happy that the daddy forgave that man. He didn't have to do that. That was really nice of him." Naturally, I lost it and started praying that God would guard and protect that side of him. That he would always be sensitive to the things of the Spirit. SO, when I had that dream, I woke up and started praying over him immediately. I don't know who or what would want to attack him but this momma plans on being vigilant and will not back down from praying a hedge of protection over him.
I love my little man so much! He and his sister are an extension of my heart walking around and growing on the outside of me. Whatever God has in store for him, I know it's something great!!
How does God speak to you?
Have you ever wondered if God speaks to you and if He did how would you know and would you hear Him? I used to wonder that as well until I truly experienced hearing His voice. Usually in the form of dreams but there have been times that I have been wide awake and it was if He were sitting next to me carrying on a conversation with me. I couldn't see Him but I could sure feel His presence and hear Him.
It was prophesied over me once that I would see things in the spiritual realm. I didn't really comprehend what that meant at first or know how I felt about it but as I get older and see more and have more stirrings within my spirit, I'm starting to understand it.
More and more as the years go by, I'm having spiritual dreams and inclinations to stop what I'm doing and pray about something. One dream I had, I was told to write it down. I did not because I can never forget this dream. Sure I may forget small details but the gist of the dream is unforgettable to me.
In this dream, I owned and ran an orphanage. The children within it were like my own. I loved them dearly. One day while talking with another adult, I had one of the babies with me. He couldn't have been any more than 1 1/2. He was running around my feet as I was talking. Suddenly the earth opened up and a beast appeared from a fiery hole in the ground and had fire flaming from his mouth. I remember I immediately went into prayer mode....I knew I was up against spiritual warfare. I asked the beast, or serpent if you will what he had come for. He pointed to the precious baby at my feet. I said it is not possible! Why would you take him. He is not yet at the age of accountability and can not make that decision for himself. The serpent did not answer and spoke no more the rest of the time he was there. The life of this child became a spiritual tug of war. The serpent would tug and I would pray harder. I could see the spears of my prayers were hindering him. I prayed harder. This tugging felt like it went on forever. Finally the serpent went back into the hole in which he had come from. I looked at the child at my feet and he was covered in burns. It was then I awakened from my sleep. I was disturbed beyond measure. I kept praying and asking God, how could satan wage war on the life of an infant who is yet beyond understand of the things of God. Who can not yet grasp salvation and forgiveness. How was it even possible. Some time went by and I could not get this dream out of my head. I ran into the man who had prophesied over me that I would see things of the spirit. He listened intently to me replay my dream for him and then I finished with, "But I do not understand how this can be...he was but a child!" This man stopped and prayed with me and then says, "What you were seeing was the battle of a baby Christian. The baby in the dream was representative of a new Christian, not a true physical infant. You will be the mother of many. A spiritual mentor and will be waging spiritual war for the souls of those you come in contact with." At that moment, it did all make sense.
Not long after that, I had been with a group from my Church on a mission trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. We spent much of our time ministering to the homeless youth. They called themselves "gutter punks". The majority of them had been brought up in Christian homes. Some were P.K.'s (pastors kids) who turned from the faith because of the hypocrisy they saw at home and at church. Though we made a lot of progress there, the one I'll never forget....I never could get his name. It was so loud where we were that it was amazing we could even understand each other at all but me and 2 others saw this guy all alone on Bourbon Street. I don't know if you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans but it's very difficult to "be alone" on Bourbon Street. LOL The street is literally packed like a can of sardines and you have to inch your way down it. Anyway, he stood out to us and we made our way to him. He entered into a little pub and we followed him in. You could see sadness and fear and depression all over his face. When we approached him and asked if we could pray with him, you could see a really small glimmer of hope in his eyes. He allowed us to and then we got to talking to him. More like hollering because like I said, it was REALLY loud! He started asking question and by the time we were done, we were able to lead him in the prayer of salvation. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. You could see it all melt away...the pain, the fear, the depression. He even sat his drink down and left it behind and followed us out of the bar. We were able to get him the names of some places around that could help him and get him started on the right path but you could see this was going to be a struggle for him. The bad thing about those trips is that in situations like that, you usually have to leave the person without any contact info because of the situation. All we had were our memories to rely and some really loud streets and a bar to contend with. All we could do was to remember him in prayer and pray that someone would come along and continue to help him in his walk with Christ. As I returned home from that trip, my dream came to mind....this young man could have very well been the "baby" in my dream and it led me to pray for him even more over the next few months.
Last night was not without dream either.
Matthew 5:12 New Living Translation (©2007)
Be exceeding glad - Αγαλλιασθε, leap for joy. There are several cases on record, where this was literally done by the martyrs, in Queen Mary's days.
Great is your reward in heaven - In the Talmudical tract Pirkey Aboth, are these words: "Rabbi Tarpon said, The day is short: the work is great: the laborers are slow: the Reward Is Great: and the father of the family is urgent."
The followers of Christ are encouraged to suffer joyfully on two considerations.
1. They are thereby conformed to the prophets who went before.
2. Their reward in heaven is a great one.
God gives the grace to suffer, and then crowns that grace with glory; hence it is plain, the reward is not of debt, but of grace: Romans 6:23.
It was prophesied over me once that I would see things in the spiritual realm. I didn't really comprehend what that meant at first or know how I felt about it but as I get older and see more and have more stirrings within my spirit, I'm starting to understand it.
More and more as the years go by, I'm having spiritual dreams and inclinations to stop what I'm doing and pray about something. One dream I had, I was told to write it down. I did not because I can never forget this dream. Sure I may forget small details but the gist of the dream is unforgettable to me.
In this dream, I owned and ran an orphanage. The children within it were like my own. I loved them dearly. One day while talking with another adult, I had one of the babies with me. He couldn't have been any more than 1 1/2. He was running around my feet as I was talking. Suddenly the earth opened up and a beast appeared from a fiery hole in the ground and had fire flaming from his mouth. I remember I immediately went into prayer mode....I knew I was up against spiritual warfare. I asked the beast, or serpent if you will what he had come for. He pointed to the precious baby at my feet. I said it is not possible! Why would you take him. He is not yet at the age of accountability and can not make that decision for himself. The serpent did not answer and spoke no more the rest of the time he was there. The life of this child became a spiritual tug of war. The serpent would tug and I would pray harder. I could see the spears of my prayers were hindering him. I prayed harder. This tugging felt like it went on forever. Finally the serpent went back into the hole in which he had come from. I looked at the child at my feet and he was covered in burns. It was then I awakened from my sleep. I was disturbed beyond measure. I kept praying and asking God, how could satan wage war on the life of an infant who is yet beyond understand of the things of God. Who can not yet grasp salvation and forgiveness. How was it even possible. Some time went by and I could not get this dream out of my head. I ran into the man who had prophesied over me that I would see things of the spirit. He listened intently to me replay my dream for him and then I finished with, "But I do not understand how this can be...he was but a child!" This man stopped and prayed with me and then says, "What you were seeing was the battle of a baby Christian. The baby in the dream was representative of a new Christian, not a true physical infant. You will be the mother of many. A spiritual mentor and will be waging spiritual war for the souls of those you come in contact with." At that moment, it did all make sense.
Not long after that, I had been with a group from my Church on a mission trip to New Orleans during Mardi Gras. We spent much of our time ministering to the homeless youth. They called themselves "gutter punks". The majority of them had been brought up in Christian homes. Some were P.K.'s (pastors kids) who turned from the faith because of the hypocrisy they saw at home and at church. Though we made a lot of progress there, the one I'll never forget....I never could get his name. It was so loud where we were that it was amazing we could even understand each other at all but me and 2 others saw this guy all alone on Bourbon Street. I don't know if you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans but it's very difficult to "be alone" on Bourbon Street. LOL The street is literally packed like a can of sardines and you have to inch your way down it. Anyway, he stood out to us and we made our way to him. He entered into a little pub and we followed him in. You could see sadness and fear and depression all over his face. When we approached him and asked if we could pray with him, you could see a really small glimmer of hope in his eyes. He allowed us to and then we got to talking to him. More like hollering because like I said, it was REALLY loud! He started asking question and by the time we were done, we were able to lead him in the prayer of salvation. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever had. You could see it all melt away...the pain, the fear, the depression. He even sat his drink down and left it behind and followed us out of the bar. We were able to get him the names of some places around that could help him and get him started on the right path but you could see this was going to be a struggle for him. The bad thing about those trips is that in situations like that, you usually have to leave the person without any contact info because of the situation. All we had were our memories to rely and some really loud streets and a bar to contend with. All we could do was to remember him in prayer and pray that someone would come along and continue to help him in his walk with Christ. As I returned home from that trip, my dream came to mind....this young man could have very well been the "baby" in my dream and it led me to pray for him even more over the next few months.
Last night was not without dream either.
Matthew 5:12 New Living Translation (©2007)
Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way.
Clarke's Commentary on the Bible
Rejoice - In the testimony of a good conscience; for, without this, suffering has nothing but misery in it.Be exceeding glad - Αγαλλιασθε, leap for joy. There are several cases on record, where this was literally done by the martyrs, in Queen Mary's days.
Great is your reward in heaven - In the Talmudical tract Pirkey Aboth, are these words: "Rabbi Tarpon said, The day is short: the work is great: the laborers are slow: the Reward Is Great: and the father of the family is urgent."
The followers of Christ are encouraged to suffer joyfully on two considerations.
1. They are thereby conformed to the prophets who went before.
2. Their reward in heaven is a great one.
God gives the grace to suffer, and then crowns that grace with glory; hence it is plain, the reward is not of debt, but of grace: Romans 6:23.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Insomnia-what it's like and why YOUR solution does not work!
So, I saw a facebook book post that made me decide to write about this topic. I am one of the unfortunate many that suffers with insomnia. Yes I said suffer. My husband and many others think the solution is as simple as shutting everything down and climbing into bed.....IF ONLY it were that easy.
There are medical conditions to which insomnia is a side effect. 2 of these conditions I just happened to have been diagnosed with. I don't know if that gives me a double whammy of insomnia or what's going on but it seems to get worse as the months go by. There are a few days in which sleep comes easily...a few days a year! I LOVE those days.
"The Simple Solution".....or IS it??
My husband, a long with many other annoyed, or non sympathetic, or unable to understand or (insert whatever feeling someones spouse may have about their other half not sleeping) seem to think it's as simple as turning off the TV or the computer or putting down the book and climbing into bed and closing your eyes....IF ONLY!!!!!
Here is what happens when we do that.
<dialogue in our mind> "Hmmm, that place in my back really hurts tonight. I should probably call the Dr. and let them know the pain I've been having and not getting answers regarding for the past 3 years didn't magically disappear....it's still very much there. When was it this pain started? Oh yeah, nearly 3 years ago now. Along with so many other symptoms that have no answers. When did all these symptoms start? Seems to me it was after I had our first kid. That first kid we weren't supposed to be able to have. We tried for nearly 2 years before getting blessed with her....Well, some days feel more like a blessing than others. I'll sure be glad when she gets over this not paying attention phase. I'm not sure where she get's her OCD from. It seems to be a recessive gene. It hit my sister as well but Olivia is MY daughter, not my sisters so how did it jump from her to my daughter? I wonder what my sister is doing. I sure wish she would call more often. It's almost like I've fallen off the face of the Earth and she's forgotten about me. Oh yeah, that reminds me of what I forgot. I need to add milk to the grocery list. Speaking of groceries, I wonder what I should make for dinner tomorrow. We are out of ground beef but there is some shrimp, some chicken breast, and some Talapia in the freezer. Speaking of breasts, mine sure do hurt right now. But that all goes back to my medical issues. My body makes cysts for the fun of it and they are so painful. Speaking of fun, I need to think of something fun to do this weekend as a family. Speaking of family and weekend, I can't forget I have a photo shoot this Saturday at 3:30. Hmmm....I wonder who else I can hit up to buy some girl scout cookies. I sure do miss being back home with family. God, it sure would be nice if you would drop a house, and a job out of the sky for my husband so we can move back home. Speaking of back home. I sure do miss my grandparents. I wonder how they are doing. I'm afraid they won't be around to much longer. They sure are getting tired and slowing way down. I just pray I get to see them a couple more times before something happens to them. I sure do miss my daddy. I wonder if he is Heaven's chef. That man sure loved some food! He loved to make it too! Sometimes I feel like he's standing over my shoulder telling me what to put in my dishes and they almost always come out perfect! I wish my kids would have had a chance to meet him. Speaking of kids, I have GOT to make them clean their rooms tomorrow and if they don't, ALL their toy's are going to Goodwill. But, we know that will never happen. Too much money has been spent on those toys and we can't afford to replace them. Man! Is it hot in here or is it just me? I don't mean that in a haha way, I'm REALLY sweating bullets here. I sure hope I'm not going through the change!....Oh, look at the time. I've been laying here with my mind wandering for an hour now. I sure wish it had an off button. Dangit! I need to go to the bathroom......is it just me or is it cold in here? How can it feel like it dropped 20 degrees in the past 5 minutes. I wonder if he messed with the thermostat. I sure hope our heating and cooling unit isn't messed up. OH! I need to get dog food and pullups tomorrow. What else was it I said I need to get tomorrow? I knew I should have written it down when I thought about it but then I'd have to get out of bed and then I would have been wide awake again. Who am I kidding, I'm STILL wide awake. I wonder if anything good is on TV. Man, I hate being awake this late. My stomach is growling but I can't eat now....it's not good to eat this late......."
and On and ON and ON it goes. If it will stop, no one knows.
So you see, it's better for us to be watching something or doing something or typing something or reading something. ANYTHING to get our minds to SHUT UP!!!! lol I've literally laid in bed and gone through my entire medical history in my head trying to figure out when my body started failing me. I've rehearsed speeches in my head and I may or may not ever be asked to give ( like the miracle behind all my kids being here but more specifically that Olivia and I are still alive after a traumatic birth and that we even have Caleb at all....he was supposed to have been a miscarriage) Or the fact that we even have kids when Jeremy was told he wouldn't have kids and I had been diagnosed with PCOS and many PCOS patients never have children of their own. So we can either lay their in bed for hours and try and solve the worlds problems and plan our future for hours or we can give our mind a rest and let something else do the thinking for us. At least the TV or facebook, or a book is letting something or someone else do most of the thinking or gears our thinking in 1 direction instead of all over the place.
You know how when the heater kicks off in the winter or the AC kicks off in the summer and the fan is still running? That is kind of what insomnia is like only it lasts MUCH longer. Our bodies may be laying in bed all comfy and relaxed but truly, we are not relaxed because our brain won't shut down long enough to relax.
Now you've read OUR side of the story. I still don't expect everyone to "understand" it but maybe this will shed a little more light on the subject. haha! and I'm sorry you had to hear all the pointless ramblings that may or may not run through my brain on any given evening. That was just an example. There are MANY MANY more things our brains try and solve or plan or understand while we are laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and praying for just 1 night of relief.....of rest!
There are medical conditions to which insomnia is a side effect. 2 of these conditions I just happened to have been diagnosed with. I don't know if that gives me a double whammy of insomnia or what's going on but it seems to get worse as the months go by. There are a few days in which sleep comes easily...a few days a year! I LOVE those days.
"The Simple Solution".....or IS it??
My husband, a long with many other annoyed, or non sympathetic, or unable to understand or (insert whatever feeling someones spouse may have about their other half not sleeping) seem to think it's as simple as turning off the TV or the computer or putting down the book and climbing into bed and closing your eyes....IF ONLY!!!!!
Here is what happens when we do that.
<dialogue in our mind> "Hmmm, that place in my back really hurts tonight. I should probably call the Dr. and let them know the pain I've been having and not getting answers regarding for the past 3 years didn't magically disappear....it's still very much there. When was it this pain started? Oh yeah, nearly 3 years ago now. Along with so many other symptoms that have no answers. When did all these symptoms start? Seems to me it was after I had our first kid. That first kid we weren't supposed to be able to have. We tried for nearly 2 years before getting blessed with her....Well, some days feel more like a blessing than others. I'll sure be glad when she gets over this not paying attention phase. I'm not sure where she get's her OCD from. It seems to be a recessive gene. It hit my sister as well but Olivia is MY daughter, not my sisters so how did it jump from her to my daughter? I wonder what my sister is doing. I sure wish she would call more often. It's almost like I've fallen off the face of the Earth and she's forgotten about me. Oh yeah, that reminds me of what I forgot. I need to add milk to the grocery list. Speaking of groceries, I wonder what I should make for dinner tomorrow. We are out of ground beef but there is some shrimp, some chicken breast, and some Talapia in the freezer. Speaking of breasts, mine sure do hurt right now. But that all goes back to my medical issues. My body makes cysts for the fun of it and they are so painful. Speaking of fun, I need to think of something fun to do this weekend as a family. Speaking of family and weekend, I can't forget I have a photo shoot this Saturday at 3:30. Hmmm....I wonder who else I can hit up to buy some girl scout cookies. I sure do miss being back home with family. God, it sure would be nice if you would drop a house, and a job out of the sky for my husband so we can move back home. Speaking of back home. I sure do miss my grandparents. I wonder how they are doing. I'm afraid they won't be around to much longer. They sure are getting tired and slowing way down. I just pray I get to see them a couple more times before something happens to them. I sure do miss my daddy. I wonder if he is Heaven's chef. That man sure loved some food! He loved to make it too! Sometimes I feel like he's standing over my shoulder telling me what to put in my dishes and they almost always come out perfect! I wish my kids would have had a chance to meet him. Speaking of kids, I have GOT to make them clean their rooms tomorrow and if they don't, ALL their toy's are going to Goodwill. But, we know that will never happen. Too much money has been spent on those toys and we can't afford to replace them. Man! Is it hot in here or is it just me? I don't mean that in a haha way, I'm REALLY sweating bullets here. I sure hope I'm not going through the change!....Oh, look at the time. I've been laying here with my mind wandering for an hour now. I sure wish it had an off button. Dangit! I need to go to the bathroom......is it just me or is it cold in here? How can it feel like it dropped 20 degrees in the past 5 minutes. I wonder if he messed with the thermostat. I sure hope our heating and cooling unit isn't messed up. OH! I need to get dog food and pullups tomorrow. What else was it I said I need to get tomorrow? I knew I should have written it down when I thought about it but then I'd have to get out of bed and then I would have been wide awake again. Who am I kidding, I'm STILL wide awake. I wonder if anything good is on TV. Man, I hate being awake this late. My stomach is growling but I can't eat now....it's not good to eat this late......."
and On and ON and ON it goes. If it will stop, no one knows.
So you see, it's better for us to be watching something or doing something or typing something or reading something. ANYTHING to get our minds to SHUT UP!!!! lol I've literally laid in bed and gone through my entire medical history in my head trying to figure out when my body started failing me. I've rehearsed speeches in my head and I may or may not ever be asked to give ( like the miracle behind all my kids being here but more specifically that Olivia and I are still alive after a traumatic birth and that we even have Caleb at all....he was supposed to have been a miscarriage) Or the fact that we even have kids when Jeremy was told he wouldn't have kids and I had been diagnosed with PCOS and many PCOS patients never have children of their own. So we can either lay their in bed for hours and try and solve the worlds problems and plan our future for hours or we can give our mind a rest and let something else do the thinking for us. At least the TV or facebook, or a book is letting something or someone else do most of the thinking or gears our thinking in 1 direction instead of all over the place.
You know how when the heater kicks off in the winter or the AC kicks off in the summer and the fan is still running? That is kind of what insomnia is like only it lasts MUCH longer. Our bodies may be laying in bed all comfy and relaxed but truly, we are not relaxed because our brain won't shut down long enough to relax.
Now you've read OUR side of the story. I still don't expect everyone to "understand" it but maybe this will shed a little more light on the subject. haha! and I'm sorry you had to hear all the pointless ramblings that may or may not run through my brain on any given evening. That was just an example. There are MANY MANY more things our brains try and solve or plan or understand while we are laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and praying for just 1 night of relief.....of rest!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Food is not my friend
I'm sure by the title, most people assume this is an oh my gosh, I can't quit eating post. Actually, it's quite the opposite. It's going on 3 years now that I have not felt well at all. I do have some good days but I'm no closer to an answer now than I was 3 years ago so I figured I'd start keeping a running blog of how my days go and what symptoms I may experience that day. As of now, my current diagnosis' are PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and asthma. I have a feeling all of these are bi-products of something larger going on or that there is something bigger going on besides all of that.
So, having said all that, the reason my the title of my post. For the past few weeks, I have had no appetite at all. The few times I do get hungry or the times I stop to think about eating because I know I need to eat, I get sick every time. Either burping it back or running to the bathroom. I'm sorry for the too much information but sometime life isn't pretty and well, right now, the health part of mine isn't either. It doesn't matter what it is. At first, I thought maybe it was just stuff that was greasy or had dairy product in it but it's not. It's anything and everything. When I was going through my asthma and upper respiratory stuff that would never go away, the steroids they had me on (2 different round of steroids) made me put on 10 lbs. Well, I've lost all of that and more in the past 5 days. I'm not complaining about losing the weight. I've tried for YEARS to unsuccessfully. It just has me a bit worried. As the days progress and I blog more on this matter, I'll give a little more background info and ALL they symptoms I've experienced through the past 2 1/2 years. Oh....and to add a new symptom. Last night, my toes started feeling numb and tingly when I have my feet up or I'm laying down.
And the saga continues!........
So, having said all that, the reason my the title of my post. For the past few weeks, I have had no appetite at all. The few times I do get hungry or the times I stop to think about eating because I know I need to eat, I get sick every time. Either burping it back or running to the bathroom. I'm sorry for the too much information but sometime life isn't pretty and well, right now, the health part of mine isn't either. It doesn't matter what it is. At first, I thought maybe it was just stuff that was greasy or had dairy product in it but it's not. It's anything and everything. When I was going through my asthma and upper respiratory stuff that would never go away, the steroids they had me on (2 different round of steroids) made me put on 10 lbs. Well, I've lost all of that and more in the past 5 days. I'm not complaining about losing the weight. I've tried for YEARS to unsuccessfully. It just has me a bit worried. As the days progress and I blog more on this matter, I'll give a little more background info and ALL they symptoms I've experienced through the past 2 1/2 years. Oh....and to add a new symptom. Last night, my toes started feeling numb and tingly when I have my feet up or I'm laying down.
And the saga continues!........
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