So lately, I've become a blubbering mess. The best way to describe it is that my spirit has become very sensitive to what is going on around me. Maybe it's my way of interceding for those around me, I'm not sure but I really do cry at the drop of a hat. For example. I'm sure you all saw on the news or Rickey Stokes, the 4 car fender bender on the circle the other day. We were driving by it just after it happened. There weren't any police or emergency vehicles there yet but plenty of people had stopped to help. Well, the lady in the very back, bless her heart, it just looked like this was the icing on her cake to a bad day and it was only about 10 or 10:30 AM. She was sitting in the middle of the road ( the lane that was closed to traffic) on her knee's, rocking back and forth and bawling. It truly was heart breaking. I started crying with her and for her. She doesn't know that and may never know that but I just couldn't help it. Tears just began to fall. Here's another example. My dog has been going through heart worm treatments. Turns out she was given to us infested with about every worm known to dog. We noticed the others early on but since she was given to us with heart guard, the thought of her having heart worms never crossed my mind. Well it was time to get her vaccinations up to date so we took her to our first non emergency vet visit (she had been before but it was trip to the doggy ER) and they discovered she had heart worms. We chose to do the effective treatments which unfortunately are very expensive. When we take her for her second treatment, a different vet is there. The first time, she was sent home with pain meds. The second time, she was not and she seemed to be in pain all night long. Wouldn't eat, wouldn't drink. Just had a little grunt to her breathing as someone would who were in physical pain. She had to go back the next morning for treatment 3 so when I mentioned it to her "regular" vet that had not been there the day before, he tells me she was hurting...she should have been given pain meds to get her through the night. I start crying.
And don't get me started on Praise and Worship at church. You would think that I would know by now that I need to bring tissue with me because for the past month or 2, I can't make it through any one song with out bawling like a baby. This is not normal for me. I'm not saying I've been cold hearted but I got good at hiding my emotions after losing my daddy and in all honesty, sometimes I just was not listening to the words I was singing. I've started listening...and really understanding what they are saying. I think I'm now making up for lost time. I felt I had to be strong for my mom and for everyone else around me when daddy died so I shoved my pain to the back and ignored it for years. Then I dealt with it. Then I was better. Until now, I cry at everything. A sad movie, a baby being born (after all they are ALL miracles!!) a lady having a bad day and losing it over a fender bender. A homeless person pushing a shopping cart with all their belongings in it down the street. A beautiful rainbow in the sky. A heart felt praise and worship song. Another thing about me that some may not know. I used to write poetry. ALL the time. Words just came to me and I'd have to stop what I was doing and write. That's another thing that I seemed to have lost after losing my dad. I wrote a poem for him that I read at his funeral and I don't think I've written but 1 or 2 since and they seemed forced to me. Well tonight, I was thinking about my newly acquired gift of crying and a poem came to me and I ran and grabbed a pen and some paper and here is what flowed from my heart. And yes, tears flowed as well.
"Lord I accept these tears!"
When others are hurting and facing their fears,
Lord I accept these falling tears.
When my brothers and sisters are needing a hand,
I accept these tears and I'll do what I can.
When babies are hurt and dying or ill,
I accept these tears. They know Your will!
When I have no words and I'm not sure how to pray,
I accept these tears, they know just what to say.
Revival is coming to these dying lands!
These tears tell me so, as well as the praise in these hands!
When your creation is wounded and broken apart,
Lord I accept these tears. They know your heart!
You are speaking to me. What you are saying I'm not quite sure.
But these tears in my eyes are washing away the blur.
I'm seeing as you do. The pain and the fear
and for that I am thankful for each falling tear.
I tried to stop them and to keep them away,
but these tears are speaking and calling me to pray.
These tears aren't just pain. They bring joy too!
When I see others helping others, in them, I see You!
Lord I am yours! I thank you for this calling!
And I gladly accept these tears that are falling!
~Mary Bullard 05/08/11