Thursday, January 19, 2012

Insomnia-what it's like and why YOUR solution does not work!

So, I saw a facebook book post that made me decide to write about this topic.  I am one of the unfortunate many that suffers with insomnia.  Yes I said suffer.  My husband and many others think the solution is as simple as shutting everything down and climbing into bed.....IF ONLY it were that easy.

There are medical conditions to which insomnia is a side effect.  2 of these conditions I just happened to have been diagnosed with.  I don't know if that gives me a double whammy of insomnia or what's going on but it seems to get worse as the months go by.  There are a few days in which sleep comes easily...a few days a year!  I LOVE those days. 

"The Simple Solution".....or IS it??
My husband, a long with many other annoyed, or non sympathetic, or unable to understand or (insert whatever feeling someones spouse may have about their other half not sleeping) seem to think it's as simple as turning off the TV or the computer or putting down the book and climbing into bed and closing your eyes....IF ONLY!!!!!

Here is what happens when we do that.
<dialogue in our mind>  "Hmmm, that place in my back really hurts tonight.  I should probably call the Dr. and let them know the pain I've been having and not getting answers regarding for the past 3 years didn't magically's still very much there.  When was it this pain started?  Oh yeah, nearly 3 years ago now.  Along with so many other symptoms that have no answers.  When did all these symptoms start?  Seems to me it was after I had our first kid.  That first kid we weren't supposed to be able to have.  We tried for nearly 2 years before getting blessed with her....Well, some days feel more like a blessing than others.  I'll sure be glad when she gets over this not paying attention phase.  I'm not sure where she get's her OCD from.  It seems to be a recessive gene.  It hit my sister as well but Olivia is MY daughter, not my sisters so how did it jump from her to my daughter?  I wonder what my sister is doing.  I sure wish she would call more often.  It's almost like I've fallen off the face of the Earth and she's forgotten about me.  Oh yeah, that reminds me of what I forgot.  I need to add milk to the grocery list.  Speaking of groceries, I wonder what I should make for dinner tomorrow.  We are out of ground beef but there is some shrimp, some chicken breast, and some Talapia in the freezer.  Speaking of breasts, mine sure do hurt right now.  But that all goes back to my medical issues.  My body makes cysts for the fun of it and they are so painful.  Speaking of fun, I need to think of something fun  to do this weekend as a family.  Speaking of family and weekend, I can't forget I have a photo shoot this Saturday at 3:30.  Hmmm....I wonder who else I can hit up to buy some girl scout cookies.  I sure do miss being back home with family.  God, it sure would be nice if you would drop a house, and a job out of the sky for my husband so we can move back home.  Speaking of back home. I sure do miss my grandparents.  I wonder how they are doing.  I'm afraid they won't be around to much longer.  They sure are getting tired and slowing way down.  I just pray I get to see them a couple more times before something happens to them.  I sure do miss my daddy.  I wonder if he is Heaven's chef.  That man sure loved some food!  He loved to make it too!  Sometimes I feel like he's standing over my shoulder telling me what to put in my dishes and they almost always come out perfect!  I wish my kids would have had a chance to meet him.  Speaking of kids, I have GOT to make them clean their rooms tomorrow and if they don't, ALL their toy's are going to Goodwill.  But, we know that will never happen.  Too much money has been spent on those toys and we can't afford to replace them.  Man!  Is it hot in here or is it just me?  I don't mean that in a haha way, I'm REALLY sweating bullets here.  I sure hope I'm not going through the change!....Oh, look at the time.  I've been laying here with my mind wandering for an hour now.  I sure wish it had an off button.  Dangit!  I need to go to the it just me or is it cold in here?  How can it feel  like it dropped 20 degrees in the past 5 minutes.  I wonder if he messed with the thermostat.  I sure hope our heating and cooling unit isn't messed up.  OH!  I need to get dog food and pullups tomorrow.  What else was it I said I need to get tomorrow?  I knew I should have written it down when I thought about it but then I'd have to get out of bed and then I would have been wide awake again.  Who am I kidding, I'm STILL wide awake.  I wonder if anything good is on TV.  Man, I hate being awake this late.  My stomach is growling but I can't eat's not good to eat this late......."
and On and ON and ON it goes.  If it will stop, no one knows.

So you see, it's better for us to be watching something or doing something or typing something or reading something.  ANYTHING to get our minds to SHUT UP!!!!  lol  I've literally laid in bed and gone through my entire medical history in my head trying to figure out when my body started failing me.  I've rehearsed speeches in my head and I may or may not ever be asked to give ( like the miracle behind all my kids being here but more specifically that Olivia and I are still alive after a traumatic birth and that we even have Caleb at all....he was supposed to have been a miscarriage)  Or the fact that we even have kids when Jeremy was told he wouldn't have kids and I had been diagnosed with PCOS and many PCOS patients never have children of their own.  So we can either lay their in bed for hours and try and solve the worlds problems and plan our future for hours or we can give our mind a rest and let something else do the thinking for us.  At least the TV or facebook, or a book is letting something or someone else do most of the thinking or gears our thinking in 1 direction instead of all over the place. 

You know how when the heater kicks off in the winter or the AC kicks off in the summer and the fan is still running?  That is kind of what insomnia is like only it lasts MUCH longer.  Our bodies may be laying in bed all comfy and relaxed but truly, we are not relaxed because our brain won't shut down long enough to relax.

Now you've read OUR side of the story.  I still don't expect everyone to "understand" it but maybe this will shed a little more light on the subject.  haha!  and I'm sorry you had to hear all the pointless ramblings that may or may not run through my brain on any given evening.  That was just an example.  There are MANY MANY more things our brains try and solve or plan or understand while we are laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and praying for just 1 night of relief.....of rest!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Food is not my friend

I'm sure by the title, most people assume this is an oh my gosh, I can't quit eating post.  Actually, it's quite the opposite.  It's going on 3 years now that I have not felt well at all.   I do have some good days but  I'm no closer to an answer now than I was 3 years ago so I figured I'd start keeping a running blog of how my days go and what symptoms I may experience that day.  As of now, my current diagnosis' are PCOS, Fibromyalgia, and asthma.  I have a feeling all of these are bi-products of something larger going on or that there is something bigger going on besides all of that.

So, having said all that, the reason my the title of my post.  For the past few weeks, I have had no appetite at all.  The few times I do get hungry or the times I stop to think about eating because I know I need to eat, I get sick every time.  Either burping it back or running to the bathroom.  I'm sorry for the too much information but sometime life isn't pretty and well, right now, the health part of mine isn't either.  It doesn't matter what it is.  At first, I thought maybe it was just stuff that was greasy or had dairy product in it but it's not.  It's anything and everything.  When I was going through my asthma and upper respiratory stuff that would never go away, the steroids they had me on (2 different round of steroids) made me put on 10 lbs.  Well, I've lost all of that and more in the past 5 days.  I'm not complaining about losing the weight.  I've tried for YEARS to unsuccessfully.   It just has me a bit worried.  As the days progress and I blog more on this matter, I'll give a little more background info and ALL they symptoms I've experienced through the past 2 1/2 years.  Oh....and to add a new symptom.  Last night, my toes started feeling numb and tingly when I have my feet up or I'm laying down.

And the saga continues!........

I have a dream....

You know how all little children get asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"  Well, I've always felt my answer was in adequate because my dream wasn't about "who" or "what" I wanted to be when I grew up but what I wanted to accomplish.  My dreams are bigger than my capabilities.  However, no dream is bigger than God's capability.  Especially if it is a God dream. 

My dad and a local ministry in my home town REALLY impacted my life as a child. "Mother Tucker Ministries"  Then I got involved with a church that's mission was to feed the hungry and minister to the hurting.  Bethel Worship Center.  Some of the best times of my life were the missions work we would do.  Going to John 3:16 and ministering to and feeding the homeless.  Going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans and minister to the seeking and the hurting and the homeless.  My trip to Ukraine with Brother French's team also impacted me. I got to see how spoiled and complacent most Americans are.  We complain about what we don't have instead of being grateful for what we do have.  On that mission, we ministered mostly to orphanages and schools.  One of our last visits there was a nursing home.  But even more than that, what impacted me most were how grateful the people were for what they did have!  We would pass by little shacks that housed families....sometimes families as large as 5 or more.  It truly looked like they were living in a little garden shed.  They would be outside in the freezing cold cooking their food in old metal garbage cans.  The children were laughing and happy and playing...running around smiling.  I stopped and looked.  To us, they had nothing.   To them, though it may not be much, they did have shelter....and they did have food.  Maybe not in what we would consider an ideal living condition but none the less, they had that and most importantly, they had each other.  Ukraine is supposed to be "free" now of the government rule but they are still very much ruled and oppressed by them.  Yet there, I never saw as much unhappiness and sadness as I do here.

So what is my dream you ask?  Well my answer would be which one??  I dream of running a soup kitchen and my kids getting the hands on experience of helping and ministering to others.  I dream of running an "orphanage" for kids looking for a loving home only to be thrown into a failing system.  I have a dream that all Americans would be able to go on a missions project to a 3rd world country if for no other reason, than to teach them thankfulness, gratitude, giving, helping.  I dream of having a shelter for battered women and children.  I dream of having a safe house for those who have escaped the abuse of predators.  I dream of a HUGE home that can encompass all of this and be opened 24-7 for counseling and support to those who need it.  I dream of having a camp where kids who are told they are worthless and good for nothing can come and escape all that negativity for at least a week, maybe even a summer.....I guess, I'd have to say, I dream of heaven!

Friday, January 6, 2012

New Beginnings

So, it's a new year!  I can't believe how much quicker each year seems to fly.  I feel like I'm going to blink and my kids will be grown.  I keep looking for a "slow down" button.  If you happen to find one, please let me know where it is.

The purpose of this blog is to encourage you.  I encourage you not to make new years resolutions. What?  You ask. You hear me.  All to often we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment.  We set these resolutions that we know we've never kept and most likely will not be able to keep.  Instead, I encourage you to make short term goals.  See!!! I'm not for being lazy and accomplishing nothing.  I just think we need to be more realistic and set short term goals instead a huge crazy ones.  If you want to lose 40 lbs, don't set a resolution that you'll go to the gym every day and only eat 1,000 calories until you reach your goal.  Set a goal that this week, you will work out 3 days a week for 30 minutes and cut down on the sugar.  If you are a soda drinker and drink a few soda's a day, take 1 away each day this and another the next and so on and so forth until you wean yourself  off of them.

The problem with resolutions is, we try and bite off the whole chunk at 1 time instead of setting short attainable goals and when we fail, we are REALLY hard on ourselves.  With short term goals, you can set your attainable goals and then reward yourself when you meet that goal.  I think you'll find you'll more likely reach your final goal this way than starting off straight out of the gun with doing 1 hour of cardio 7 days a week and eating only green veggies.  :)  Happy New Year!!  And remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."