Tuesday, January 25, 2011

This is where I stand....where do you stand??

Something's been burning on my heart lately and I just thought blogging about it would be the best way to get what I'm feeling across to all those that are my friends and family.  Whether it be that we were in grade school together or met in college, or Church, or met through friends.  I've never been one who has been able to easily share my faith.  As in leading someone to Christ.  It's happened 3 times in my life.  One of which was my oldest daughter and it was the most AMAZING feeling in the world.  August 18th, 2010 will forever be engraved on my heart.  I can't tell you the day I was saved because I was only 5 and I did so privately by my bedside.  It was a private, intimate moment with my and my Savior.

As a child, I always had a very tender spirit.  I longed to hear more about Jesus and what He did for us.  My heart would break when I would watch reenactments of His crucifixion.  It amazed me that He would love ME so much that He would choose to die for me.  Not for the sins I had committed as I wasn't even born yet.  But for the sins that I would one day commit.  I mean, that is some kind of love!!!  I was raised in a Christian home and my mom always had Christian broadcasting or Christian music playing. ( Thank you mom!!)  And at 5 years old, if you gave me a choice to watch Sesame Street or a preacher on television, I would choose to watch the preacher (depending on who it was but I'll not comment on that one.  LOL...I'll just say some seemed harsher than others and a tender spirit doesn't respond well to harshness).  It was late one night. I was already in my pajamas.  Mom was doing dishes.  Dad was probably reading the paper and I imagine my brother was in his room and most likely my sister was either helping my mom with dishes or baby sitting.  I was sitting down listening to a preacher (yes I remember well who it was but it makes no difference.  I know many people who do not agree with this man but I can tell you that night, he was talking about the plan of salvation).  When he was leading those in the audience and watching by television in the sinners prayer, I snuck off to my bedroom, knelt beside my bed, and asked Jesus to come into my heart.  It was the best decision I've ever made.
     I'm not sure why I chose to do so privately.  I think it's just because that is my personality.  I felt it was between me and God and that it was MY decision to make so I did.  I also thank my WONDERFUL Sunday School teachers for the role they played.  My most memorable ones (when I was very young) would be Saundra Winn and Jerry Roberson Sr.  Saundra had such a loving spirit about her.  I don't think there was anyone she didn't love and little kids sense that.  I just wanted to soak up all the Bible stories she told us.  There are so many that played a role in my walk with Christ that if I took the time to name them all, this whole blog could become a novel.
     My whole point is, that as we grow up, there are times we stray from what we are taught.  We don't realize how detrimental that can be to others and their decision or lack of decision to accept Christ.  We are to be a living example and there are times my example was not the best.  There were times my little light wasn't shining so brightly and for that, I am sorry.  It is because of that, that I can not let another night pass me by without letting everyone know that my faith and my trust and my hope lies solely in Christ.  In Christ alone!!  I am not a perfect example.  I need to dig into my word more.  I need to be a better leader to my babies but I pray that from this day forward, whatever I say, and whatever I do brings glory only to Christ!
     Is being a Christian a bed of roses?  Absolutely not.  Is it a huge weight lifted off my shoulders?  Without a doubt YES!!!  My faith has been tried more than once and I pray that if I ever have to face the trial that Job and others in the Bible had to face that when I come out the other side, my light is burning brighter than ever and my hands are raised in praise and my fingers are pointing others to the cross because with HIM, I would not be here today.  There are 2 trials in my life that I can think of off the top of my head that truly tried my faith.  The first being the loss of my father.  The actual loss of him wasn't as trying as when we first received the news that he had cancer and would have to under go surgery.  At that point, I still had hope and faith but when the results came back after the surgery, that's when I faced the fire.  As a sophomore in high school, I was told I would lose the person I loved most in this world.  Don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart but there is something about a bond between a daddy and his little girl.  I was a big time daddies girl.  I went to work with him, I went to mechanics shop when he was getting a car tuned up or worked on, I went with him to run errands, it didn't matter where he was going, if I could, I went with him so to hear that this man that meant the world to me wouldn't be around to see me graduate, to walk me down the isle at my wedding, or to meet the grand babies I would once give him....that he wouldn't be there to hold me and wipe my tears when I got my heart broken or was in my first car wreck.....it shattered my heart into a million pieces.  I became angry.  I was a very angry and bitter teenager for a while. I even tried pulling myself away from him but anyone knows when your world is built around someone so much, you can't ever pull completely away.  So, instead of focusing my anger at my dad, or my mom, or the Dr. or even cancer for that matter, I focused it at God.  I cried, I begged, I pleaded and then I let Him (God) have it.  How could you God?  WHY MY DAD???  Why such a great man of God when there are murderers and rapists and child molesters out there??  How could you pull MY rock out from beneath ME??  If you truly loved me and my dad, you wouldn't let this happen??  Why not ME instead??  I can't bare to see him suffer.  I can't watch my dad die. 
     If you notice in all of those last phrases in my screaming match at God, the words Me or I was in every one of them.  I didn't notice at the time.  How could I?  I was angry.  I felt alone, abandoned.....broken.  This went on for several days.  I stopped wanting to go to Church but if you knew my parents, you knew they made sure we were always at church....(again, Thanks mom!)  So even when my mom was sitting by my dads side at the hospital, she made sure I was in Church.  Most likely if I could see myself sitting on the pew, I probably had my arms crossed over my chest and a grimace on my face because after all, I was being a teenager.  I was giving God the silent treatment.  You know what is funny about that???  Just like parents keep talking when you tune them out...just like they follow you around trying to correct you when you are huffing and puffing and walking away, God does that with His children.  I really don't know how much time lapsed but I remember I was driving home from my boyfriends house and felt God telling me to go to Church that night (it was a Sunday night) and go to the front and have the deacons and elders lay hands on me as I stood in for my dad.  I did the normal teenager thing.  "You want ME to do WHAT for  you?? Are YOU serious?? I don't really think I can do that.  After all you ARE God.  You can heal my dad with or without me."  It was at that moment I realized how much of a spoiled brat and a selfish little teenager I was being.  This wasn't about me.  It wasn't about me at all.  It was about my OBEDIENCE!  It was about my reaction to what was thrown at me.  In that moment, I broke down bawling and squaling humbly before my creator."  I'm not sure how I didn't have a wreck on my way home.  My mom was still at the hospital with my dad and I was the only child left living at home so I was able to go home without having to explain to everyone why I looked like such a mess and why I was crying so hysterically.  I went in, composed myself, got myself ready for Church and that night, I did what God asked me to do.  At the end of the service, during the alter call, I went up and had my pastor and the deacons and elders of the Church lay hands on me and anoint me with oil.  I felt that anger and bitterness fall off of me.  The peace of God fell upon me like nothing I had ever felt before. I had come to terms that whatever happened to my father, it was in Gods hands and He had a purpose for it.  Well, that cancer that was supposed to take my father in a matter of months, it didn't.  In fact, all his tests kept coming back clean. No sign of cancer in his body.  Was it because I obeyed God?  Maybe, maybe not.  I truly believe that was one of my life's tests.  When the day was over and it was all said and done, where would my faith lye?  I honestly believe my dad was given an extension on life for my sake.  I feel it was for the sake of a few others as well but I know it was also for my sake.  For me to realize not everything is about me and that even in sickness, God's light can shine bright.  My daddy got to see me graduate and I was one happy graduate that night!  :)
     When I was 21, my daddy was once again diagnosed with cancer and this time, it was so bad, there was nothing the could do but try and keep him as comfortable as possible and let me tell you, there were times, that being comfortable was impossible.  This time though, I never waivered.  I never doubted that God was in control and whatever was meant to be is what would happen.  I and many of the rest of the family knew it was his time to go before dad did.  He faught the good fight and he finished his race and he touched so many lives during his time as a Christian.  We was a great example and the best husband and father of any man I've seen.  He was far from perfect but in a daughters eyes, she doesn't look for perfection she looks for humility.  He wasn't ashamed to be seen crying. He wasn't afraid to ask forgiveness when he felt he had wronged someone and he took lifes trials  and made them life lessons and for that, I'm so grateful, lucky, and blessed!  Even in his passing, lives were touched.
     Another one of my life's trials.....wow, tonight is a cleansing night and a healing night for me.  It's a good thing tears don't fall on computer screens and smudge the "ink" or you wouldn't be able to read this.  Especially my next trial because you see, one of the most important things to me ever in my life other than God and my parents was to become a mommy.  If you asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted 4 or 5 kids.  Shoot, in my head, as a young girl, I'd have those 4 or 5 kids and was the most patient mommy (Obviously a day dream! haha) had a spotless house (another day dream lol) and had a yard full of cats, dogs, horses and who knows what else.  Looking at that dream now, as an adult, I laugh.  That would have been a true life fulfillment of the movie "Funny Farm".  ANYWAY, my point is, my aspiration was to be a stay home mommy and a good one at that.  When I met my husband and things began to get serious and we felt like this is it, we've found our soul mates (which happened rather quickly I might add...Met in May, engaged in July, and married in October of the same year).  I'm sure there were rumors flying around that I was pregnant (which I was not !  LOL)  Anyway, as things became serious and we began talking about making a life together, Jeremy told me that he was told he would most likely never have kids.  At that time, I didn't know it but I had a disease working against me as well that typically affects the fertility of women.  I hadn't been diagnosed at that time as it was very rarely diagnosed until more recent years.  When he told me this, I maybe kind of laughed it off and thought well, if it doesn't happen, we can always adopt.  Prior to meeting Jeremy, I would often pray that God would prepare my husband for me and I would have visions/dreams of who I was going to marry.  I even told some people that his name would start with a J and that I "thought" in the dream it was Jeremy.  I also felt God telling me I would be a mother.  So shortly after we were married and the topic of kids came up again, Jeremy says, "well you know, the dr. told me I would probably not ever have kids." Keep in mind, he was married once before for 5 years and most of that entire time, they tried for children and were not successful, thus the trip to the dr. and the dr.'s findings.  My response was always, "well you know GOD told ME we would have kids!"  For most women in my family, fertility didn't seem to be an issue so I really thought this would not be a difficult task for us at all.  Especially with God on my side but as we were approaching the 2 year mark of trying for our first child, I began to get discouraged.  Several times in that 2 years I had false alarms.  And several times I had given up.  In fact, just prior to finding out we were pregnant with our first, I had had some adoption papers mailed to me.  They were sitting on our computer desk.  I decided we would give it one more shot at conceiving on our own.  This may be a little to much info for some but I had even went to the store and bought an ovulation predictor kit.  This particular one had a free pregnancy test in it.  I decided what the heck!  I might as well take this test first before trying out the kit.  I've seen enough negatives another one isn't going to send me over the edge.  I hadn't not in the least thought or even anticipated that I might already be pregnant.  No signs, no symptoms, nothing to make me think it was even possible.  In my mind, I was to the point of almost numbness about the whole thing. I'd seen probably 30 negative tests in the past almost 2 years that to me, it was just another test.  Well much to my shock, amazement, and SURPRISE!  It was positive.  I had SO not expected that that I was shaking so badly I thought I was going to faint.  I went RUNNING into our bedroom where Jeremy was sleeping  (he was working nights and had to work that night so he was sleeping during the day), I pounced on the bed and with a quivering voice (because I was still shaking so badly) I told him, "you're going to be a daddy"  He jumps up, but still doesn't believe it.  Looks at the test and makes me go buy more.  I buy a box with 2 in it.  Both positive, he makes me take 2 more AND go have it confirmed at the dr.  haha!  So hope is once again restored.
     We had only been living in Alabama a little over a year at this time so we weren't established at all.  I was working as a waitress at pizza hut to help bring in some money until I could get a better job or until we could get moved to Dothan.  A few weeks after finding out I was pregnant I noticed some things that were not normal.  Cramping and bleeding (again, sorry for the TMI).  I think to myself, oh no...this can't be happening.  Then the situation with my dad comes to mind and I start praying.  I call my mom and have her pray.  I have Jeremy take me to the ER.  We drive an hour to the ER because 1) the local hospital was not equipped for maternity anything.  They don't even deliver babies there.  and 2) I had been told that unless you want to die, do NOT go to the Eufaula hospital.  HAHA!  So needless to say, we drive an hour to Dothans ER.  They do an US but I'm not quite far enough along to tell anything.  They can tell I'm still pregnant but can't at that time detect a heartbeat and the fetus is measuring a little behind where it should have been.  The ER dr. orders bed rests and prepares me to expect the worst.  He wrote on my discharge papers and instructions that I was to be on bed rest do to threatened miscarriage.  A newly pregnant woman, expecting her first child is filled with fear upon reading those words.  I stay on my bed rest the required amount of time and things seem to be going smoothly once again.  Including AWFUL morning, noon, and night sickness.  Everything I ate came back up.  The rest of the pregnancy goes along smoothly until....DELIVERY DAY!!
     April 25th, we go to Jeremy's moms for dinner.  I start not feeling very well while we are there.  I had been having braxton hicks and early labor for months at that point so I dismissed it.  As we go to leave, I had stomach cramps so badly I had to stop and wait for  them to subside.  I told Jeremy that night, "we'll be in the hospital tonight or tomorrow having a baby."  He didn't really believe me at the time but on the ride home, my contractions became harder and time-able.  He asks if I want to go to the hospital and I remembered from birthing classes that you should wait until they've been 2 minutes apart for at least 2 hours because 1st time labors are typically fairly long.  I said no, go home and get some rest because I'll need you when it is time to go.  He sleeps most of the night while I labor.  Finally at 4 the next morning, I wake him up and tell him it's time.  Contractions had been 2 minutes apart for over 3 hours.  We go to the ER ( labor and delivery floor doesn't open until 6 for admittance so you have to go through the ER)  They take me up for observation and I'm definitely having strong contractions but after 2 or so more hours, I'm still only at 2 cm dilated so they send me home.  Long story short, I end up back there a couple hours later.  Labor was LONG!!! from the time I started labor on the home the night before until they decided an emergency c-section was my only option, I had been laboring right at 24 hours.  17 of which was without any pain meds.  I had to have an emergency c section because once I fully dilated, the midwives hadn't thought to check the position of the baby and they had me trying to push a transverse baby out. (she was laying side to side instead of up and down and her shoulder was presenting first)  Her heart rate was over 300 which by that point, it was miracle she made it through and my blood pressure had dropped to 62/40 something and was still going down.  The midwife FINALLY calls a Dr. in after I asked her if my baby would be ok with a heart rate that high.  He takes her out in the hall with a stern order to get out there and we never see her again.  They run me back to the OR and as soon as they start cutting, I start feeling it on my right side. Sharp intense pain.  I can feel them cutting.  I tell them this and the next thing I know, anesthesiologists (plural) were inserting meds into my IV simultaneously.  I have no clue what it was but it worked.  I started feeling groggy like I as going to pass out.  I get to see my daughter born.  She's healthy (thank God!) her first apgar score was little low because of color...after all she'd been through a traumatic experience) and then the last thing I remember was my mother in law coming into the OR (she's a nurse at that hospital) to check and see how things are going and she has this weird look on her face and then I black out.  She later tells me that I had a bleeder that was shooting blood up to the ceiling.  She didn't tell me this until we were home so I never got the full story from the attending dr. but needless to say, it was a traumatic experience.
     By the time we start trying for baby #2, I have an OB I see regularly and have been diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome)  It's a hormone disorder and typically results in all sort of ovarian cysts, weight gain, and infertility.  Because of my experience in how long it took to get pregnant the first time, after 6 months of trying on our own with no success, my dr. puts me on fertility drugs.  They work almost immediately and withing about 6 weeks, I have a positive pregnancy test.  Again, we are elated and call every body and tell them.  Again, withing a few weeks, I start having complications.  This time there is evidence of what appeared to be a miscarriage.  I go in, see my dr. and to my excitement, my HCG numbers reflect I'm still having a normal pregnancy.  I'm told to go home, take it easy and if anything else happens to come back in.  I start experience cramps that remind me an awful lot of the night I went into labor with Olivia.  I start to worry and again, there is physical evidence of a possible miscarriage.  I call the dr., they tell me to come in.   I should be right about 8 weeks along.  The dr does blood work and sends me back for another sonogram after having prepared me for the worst but says at 8 weeks, if everything is normal, we should be able to see and hear a heartbeat by US as well as see the baby.  We go back for the ultra sound and the technician gets started and the poor girl, you could tell something was worrying her but didn't know what.  She does an external ultra sound first and then an internal ultra sound.  For over 30 minutes that girl tried to find a heartbeat and a baby and some sort of good news but all she could see was an empty gestational sac.  A perfect circle but it was also perfectly empty.  I start sobbing.  What did I do wrong, could I have done anything differently to prevent this.  My dr. calls us back to his office.  He gives us the diagnosis of a blighted ovum.  Basically the gestational sac forms that protects and nourishes the baby but for whatever reason, a baby never develops.  He'll go over my blood work, I'm to come back the next day to discuss the results and set up a D N C. (procedure to clean out anything remaining of the undeveloped pregnancy).  I leave hopeless and distraught.  A crying, grieving mess that didn't want to talk to anyone or have to answer anymore, "well, what the dr. say?" questions.  We had left Olivia at our Churches daycare and I sent Jeremy in to get her because I didn't want to talk about it to anyone.  I get home, cry in my pillow for a while and call my mom.  I tell here exactly what happens and what the dr. said and I knew my sister and others would want to know what the dr. said so I told mom, "You can call whoever you want but I'm not talking calls tonight.  I do not want to have to explain this 200 times, it hurts to bad."  I cry most of the night and finally drift off to sleep.  I was in a little bit better state the next morning and able to pray about it and turn it over to God.  I still didn't want to talk about it but I called mom before the appointment and she let me know she had been praying all night.  We get to the dr.'s office and I don't know what it is but hope springs up inside of me and I put my hands on my belly and I start quoting these Bible verses, er 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."  I knew this baby had a great destiny if it was still within my womb and I started praying silently to myself.  The next thing I know, the nurse is in the waiting room asking me if I'd be willing to have another ultra sound because my HCG levels were still increasing at a normal rate.  I give a little nervous laugh and say of course.  We go back for the us and within SECONDS the very same US tech says, "ummm....wait a minute!  I think there is a heart beat" and sure enough, the most beautiful sound and the most beautiful heart rate shows up on the monitor.  AND THEN!  And then, my baby is there floating in my womb!  Measuring at a perfect gestation for where I should be in my pregnancy.  Again, another day of sobbing!  My dr. comes storming into the room with a shocked but happy grin on his face and offers to go blow up a picture of himself to a large size so I can throw darts at it.  I told him that wasn't necessary.  He was only doing his job and my God did His!  He heard my cries and He answered my prayers and the prayers of the biggest prayer warrior I know!  My mom!  The rest of the pregnancy goes without a hitch.  I did end up with another c-section from failure to progress. I labor to 9 centimeters and then I never dilate anymore.  So to avoid it becoming an emergency, they go ahead with a c-section.
     Baby number 3 and final baby, pregnancy couldn't have gone any better and I was able to have her naturally so you see!  I KNOW where my faith and trust and hope lies!  It took some trial and these were only the biggest of my trials.  There were others but these are the ones that made the most profound difference in my faith and my trust in the almighty God!  The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, my great physician, counselor, prince of peace the, I AM!!! 
     If you ever catch me forgetting what amazing and wonderful things God has done for me in my life, I ask you to call me out on it.  Hold me accountable.  We all go through discouraging times but it's those times we need to look at where we came from and with God's help what we've overcome and count our blessings and CHOOSE to be blessed and to be happy.  If you are on my friends list, YOU'VE impacted my life in some way whether it be a friend from elementary school, or Jr. high, or high school, or college or a former co-worker or MY FAMILY.... and I wouldn't not be able to sleep tonight...well, now it's this morning if i didn't know you knew what my God has brought me through and if He'll do it for me, I KNOW he'll do it for YOU!!!  God is no respecter of persons.  He doesn't care what you've done in the past...or in the last 5 minutes or in the last 5 seconds.  He doesn't care how many joints you've smoked, people you've hurt, or lies you told, or the amount of money or items you've stolen!  If you make the decision to ask Him into your heart and to be your Lord, your slate is wiped clean!  You get a do over!  His blood that was shed at Calvary was for you!! All you have to do is accept it!  If I've ever failed any of you in being the example I'm supposed to be, I am SOOO sorry!!! and I pray you will forgive me.  I promise to do better and I am here for everyone of you!!  <3

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"Emptiness" A poem dealing with grief

I was going through some stuff today and came across a poem I wrote a little less than a month and a half after losing my father.  I was 21 at the time and I think this pretty well describes what it is like to feel and go through grief.


I wake up in the morning hoping to hear you
    snoring in your bed.
I peak into your room and I find
    emptiness instead.
I go about my day dreaming of returning
     to your smiling face
I hurry through the door but now
     emptiness fills your space.
I wander to the yard thinking you'll be there
     working with your wood.
But as I approach your table saw, emptiness
     is there where you once stood.
I try to run him off.  I try to
     make him go.
But emptiness is everywhere.  Oh how
     he hurts me so.
Right before I go to bed, I go to tell
     you I love you.
But emptiness is there.  It seems
     there's nothing I can do.
Dad, I miss you SO much!  I wish
     you could come home.
But I know you are in no more pain
     and on streets of gold you roam.
But dad, I ask one favor.  I plead to you
     with all my heart.
Could you ask Jesus to get rid of emptiness?
     He's tearing me apart.
I go through ever day.  The pain and hurt
     I hide.
But there is something people can't see.
     Emptiness is by my side.
He brings back all the memories.  The good
     ones and the bad.
All the fun times that we shared. And all
     the times that I was sad.
All the fun camping trips, and all the
     wonderful things you said.
But then he reminds me of all the months
     you lay suffering in the bed.
Of all the terrible pain you went through
     each and every day
And no matter what we did, nothing could
     take it away.
Dad, I wanted you here for all the
     the things that I went through.
To walk me down the isle.  And to see the
     grand kids I'll give to you.
Dad, you were the greatest man that I've
     ever met!
And I pray the example you set for me, for
     my kids I too can set.
So as you're looking down upon me from
     heaven up above,
Send a few angels to walk beside me and
     help me feel your love.
I say goodbye for now, but not forever
     we shall see each other again.
Then emptiness will be gone for good.
     I'll never be tormented again!

~Mary Thompson 12/01/1998

I still miss him more every day!!  Most days now, I've learned to tune emptiness  out.  That part DOES get better but the missing him never does.  I miss him more with every passing day.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Is phyiscal health tied to your Spiritual well being?

Here is a deep thought for you....a question that I myself have been pondering on lately.  Do you think that your physical health in well being plays a roll in your Spiritual health and well being?  After all, we have a picture painted out for us in the Bible of God and the Trinity.  God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. We are created in the image of God.  Our 3 components if you will being body, mind, and spirit.  It seems to me that in order for our whole to function as a united front, we need to take care of three aspects of our being.  The one BIG difference being that we are flesh.  We are not God.  We do make mistakes and sometimes we don't realize the affect a physical mistake may make on our spiritual well being.

What brought me to this revelation or thought process you ask? If you've followed any of my previous posts, you know I've suffered a long time from a disease called PCOS.  This disease makes it difficult if not impossible to lose weight.  You've read that I've tried every diet known to man and have recently started a quest towards healthier and natural living.  (in short, I've become a Vegantarion.)  Yes I purposely misspelled that.  As far as eating goes, I would be considered vegan.  No meat, fish, dairy, eggs or anything made with any of the above.  HOWEVER, I don't not begrudge anyone who chooses to kill a cow because they like steak and burgers.  That would be the big identifying differences.  True vegans do not approve of animals/animal prodcuts being used for anything....which would include milk in lotion, leather for jackets, and boots an belts.  I truely believe as long as you are making good use of the animal, who am I to tell you what to do.  Not to mention, my favorite jacket of all is my black leather jacket hanging in my closet.  However, vegetarians do eat some dairy and eggs.  So, since I'm somewhere in the middle, I've labeled myself a vegantarian.  LOL

Anyway, since eating all healthy foods, I've noticed a subtle change in my priorities and my spiritual walk.  It's like the temple is cleaned out now and is looking to replace the junk with good stuff.  I do still need to work on time management.  That's always been a problem of mine but here lately, I've found myself wanting more of God.  I've been in a stagnant place for so long though that I'm having a hard time getting my engine running.  I'm having to do a tune up on myself.  Spending more "quality" time with the kids is becoming more important to me.  Reading Christ based books and listening to Christian music is becoming a bigger priority.  I just feel that as the junk is being weeded out, my spirit is thirsting for something bigger and better.  You know that feeling you get in your mouth when you are so thirsty and nothing can quench it.  You search and you search for just the right drink and just the right amount but you aren't satisfied until you've found that right thing and that right amount?  That is my spirit man at this moment.

I also found it funny that this longing for more and this increased thirst came at a time when I've purged my body from junk.  I can't tell you the last time that the physical Mary has felt this good.  I have my days like anyone does where I may have a tummy ache or a headache but it wasn't long ago that I NEVER felt good.  I was having one physical problem after another but as of late, that hasn't been the case.  My good days far out number my bad ones.  So, seeing as these two event coincided with each other that I started wondering if the health and well being of one part of your body, soul, and mind affected the health and well being of another part.   If I had to give an answer based on personal experience, I'd have to say without a doubt yes.  As I get healthier physically, my mind longs for more knowledge and my spirit longs for more God.  Anyway, that is something I just wanted to share with everyone.  I had yet another "aha" moment it seems and maybe my "aha" will bear witness with your spirit.  Until next time....God bless!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My quest for a healthier me.

     Well, after a recent visit to my Dr. where I was basically told that because of my PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) I would not be able to lose weight without a hysterectomy and a procedure performed on my ovaries that would "cure" my PCOS, I began a new quest.  A quest to a healthier me.  All my life I've battled my weight.  Sure in high school I looked fine but in high school, I lived, breathed, ate, drank, and slept basketball.  Every chance I got I was playing or practicing.  It was shorty after high school that I noticed I was slowly gaining weight.  The only change to my life style was that I had to work more than I could play.   Until college that is.  In college, I started dropping a couple of pounds.  Tried out for and made the basketball team.  I was only there a semester however, before life's circumstances brought me back home.  To work again....and again, the weight started coming back on.  By the time I was 24, I was size I didn't want to be at all.  I was also to get married that year

     2 1/2 years after we are married, I give birth to our BEAUTIFUL eldest daughter.  She was truly a miracle as my husband was told he would most likely never be a father.  It didn't take me long to get back to my pre pregnancy weight.  Something about an emergency c-section that didn't go so well tends to play a role in that as well.  2 years and 3 weeks later, I give birth to our son.  I noticed it wasn't quite as easy to lose that weight from him.  Prior to getting pregnant with him, I had some issues and was diagnosed with PCOS.  It CAN affect and usually does affect fertility.  Since it took almost 2 years to get pregnant with our first (we started trying for kids immediately), my Dr. did put me on fertility drugs after 6 months of trying for our 2nd child with no success.  The drugs worked immediately.  We were elated to find out we were having a little a boy.  He is truly a blessing in our life.

Almost 2 years after his birth, I give birth to our 3rd and final beautiful child.  She was born on her big sisters birthday.  Happy BIRTHDAY LIV!!...AND MADI!!!  This time I was able to conceive immediately but again, the lbs weren't so easy to drop.  In fact, they never came off.  I was now the largest and most embarrassed of myself that I had ever been.  Through the years, I'd tried diet after diet.  I hit the gym 7 days a week and NOTHING worked.  If you are familiar with PCOS you probably understand that same frustration. 

I finally got to a point to where I have had enough.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I voiced my concerns and fears to my Dr.  I had also been researching a diet I had heard great reports and success stories on but as you can imagine, was very leary to try and waste money on yet another diet that would not work on me.  My Dr. seemed to think it was just a fad diet and brought up the hysterectomy.  I'll be honest with you, at first, I was ready to do it.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that after each of my surgeries I had had, my body felt weaker,  I'm just not sure I could take another MAJOR surgery.  3 babies and 5 surgeries in 5 years does a lot to a woman's body.  I decided I'd give this diet a chance.  It's called the HCG diet and I won't get into details about it as this post would take me all night.  If you are interested, you can read about it at www.HCGCompany.com  Well, this diet was working.  So much so that from Jan when I weighed my most to my last weigh in while on the HCG drops, I had lost a total of 23 pounds.  Most of which was done in a 40 day time span.  Well part 2 of the diet comes up when you stop using the drops and start adding in foods and as I feared, I started gaining some weight back.  I was a bit discouraged.  During the first part of the diet while on the drops, you are EXTREMELY limited to what you can eat and drink.  This diet got me thinking about better eating habits.  Once I saw the weight coming back on, I decided to do my own experiment.  I cut out dairy, added sugars and most starches.  Then I cut out eggs...I'm basically down to fruits and veggies only.  My milk is Almond milk.  My butter is made from soy milk.  If I want a dish with a meaty texture, I add in veggie burger crumbles or tofurkey or some other vegetarian meat substitute.  I even found a soda that is all natural.  No sugar, no carbs, no calories....and it tastes yummy!  Well, would you believe, weight has once again started dropping off.  It's amazing!  I feel great! I'm not hungry and as crazy as I probably sound, thinking about it, it makes perfect sense. 

The majority of human heath related diseases has been increasing at an alarming rate.  Why wouldn't it?  Have you seen how some of the food we consume and feed our children is made?  Go to Youtube and watch the video of how McDonald's chicken nuggets are made.  I would venture to say, if it disgusts you like it did me, your kids will never take another bite of McDonald's chicken nuggets.  There is an old saying, "you are what you eat!"  Well, I've decided, I'm going to eat healthy because I want to BE healthy.  My kids deserve that.  I deserve that!  And to PCOS, I say, BE GONE!!!  I am well on my way to evicting you from my body!  :)  I've had my "Ah ha" moment!  It's not been an easy transition. How could it be when I've been eating junk all my life.  Even the stuff I thought was healthy was junk.  Yes I've become that crazy label reader you see in the grocery store making sure what I'm consuming does not have dairy or eggs or meat product in it...or added sugar or high fructose corn syrup.  But I'm PROUD to be that crazy woman!  Watch out world!  A new me is emerging!  :)
God bless!!!